Neecy, I understand what you are saying about the parental bond and wanting your D to have her father there in her day-to-day life.
It is interesting that you say that because I actually was not thinking about D4 at all when I made that statement(maybe I was subconsciously) All I was thinking, (and I have thought this about my mother too who had an affair), my parents have always piled love on me, they have always given me the impression that they beleive I can do anything. I just can't imagine growing up when you don;t even feel love from your parents. As bad as having an A is, my parents would be disappointed in my decision but they would never turn me out. MIL says well I am suprised I never thought he would do this, this is the last thing, but he has always been a*sholish and stubborn, FIL, your son is an a*shole. I am not making any excuses for not kicking him out before he gets up and leaves, I am just sad that this is the life he was given and that it reared its ugly head on me.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I guess because I wanted to know, just like snooping the phone bill or anything else, I have nothing to indicate the H has a physical relationship with her and he left the bar and didn't go home. Now I know he was on his way there becuase of where he got pulled over, I think it was to drive by and stalk her because when I dorve by her house was in total darkness, didn;t look like she was waiting for a visitor. Really who cares now?
Neecy, as you probably know from my other posts, I'm actually a big proponent of snooping, or -- as I prefer to call it -- "intel." But it needs to be part of a larger plan, and used for strategic or tactical purposes. In short, it's used to fill in the blanks, or to verify an agreed-upon "no-contact" plan.
Frankly, there ARE no blanks to be filled in here. Your husband is an open book, and it's a dangerous one. You know EXACTLY what you need to do; when are you going to do it?
I guess for me the blanks are whether or not there is a physical affair going on. Why does it matter? Maybe it would make it easier for me to detach. Cause God knows I really suck at this.
Really you are right, whether they are sleeping together or not H has made it quite clear it does not matter how much hurt I am feeling at his actions he will do as he pleases, that should be enough for me to say goodbye.
I understand your concern for D and I but I think we will be fine in that aspect. As over the top as last night was once I got H in the car, really at no point did he actually hurt me, The only mark I have today is a black knuckle and a black palm of the hand that I gave myself when I lost it on him. I know you are all incredulous since I have already stated he tried to choke me, and he did but it was really more of a nusiance while I was trying to drive, if he had wanted to make it hurt it would have. He destroyed a lot of my stuff which is crap but not one time did I actually think he would hit me. If anyone thinks I am defending him I am not, I just think of all the things that I have concerns about, getting hurt physically really is the last one. Now that my in-laws know they live just one block away and could be here immediatley if I ever had concern.
H is gone now but he didn't take anything with him so I am guessing he will be back. I brought the suitcase up for when he returns.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
What happens if he comes back tonight, Neecy, and decides he doesn't want to move out? What happens if he begs and pleads with you for forgiveness? Says it will never happen again?
What will YOU do?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Neecy.. I just wanted to stop by.. I totally agree why you did what you did. And why you are feeling how you feel about the situation. I would like to remind you to think about 'what if' situation. It is not because what kind of person your H is. It is because you never know what will happen to him.. you.. The other night, he was drunk (not the excuse for what he did to you), the police stopped him, you were the person to take him home.. If he wasn't drunk, wasn't stopped, you weren't there, what you experienced would not happen. And also HE made the choice under those circumstances. You only helped your situation after his mess. You did great. But please think about how his anger developed int eh short period of the time, the first sign of his behavior ("freaked out and accusing" you for sending police).. If you remember those signs, (IF anything happen again) you can make a choice to remove yourself from the situation. Thinking about you!
Beauty
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
I don't know why I titled this thread Stronger - what a joke. Honestly there is nothing strong about me. h stayed at home again last night, not because he apologized or said he would change, nothing even that positive, just because I didn;t force the issue again. He sent me a text at work today saying - should I just sleep here tonight? - Fishing I guess if i was still mad - thinking it will go away like it always does. I said yes if you have no where else to go. His response - are you serious?
I responded back - yes, serious, I love you and I always will but you tried to hurt me the other night and now I am afraid for myself and D4. You are welcome to come home once you have your life in order and you have decided what what to do with it.
That was an hour and a half ago. I am not strong.
It is killing me not to call to check if he got it, and because I sent it through the computer there was no room to put a reply to number so I even wonder if he replied but it went off into space. I will not contact him again, but it is a struggle. I need someone else's strength because mine is just not good enough.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Not only were you brave enough to stand up and send H that text, it takes a very unique, special kind of person to come to this BB, spill their guts to people they have never met before, and to have the power and determination to fight for their M.
IMHO, Neecy, that shows a GREAT deal of strength.
Trust me, he got that last message. He just doesn't know how to respond to the truth.
The truth often hurts.
(((((Hang in there, Neecy. You ARE strong.)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
This is really hard. It is hard to know that my H isn't coming home tonight. It is hard to know that it is not his choice that if I said ok he would but I need him not too because of all the other choices he makes. And he may never be home again. It is hard because D4 is already asking for him.
He should be here to watch her tomorrow, the one day a week that she needs his care, his mother is prepared if he does not show up.
I hate this.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get any better.
I know this is tough. I know. I remember the pain and sadness I felt, and not just mine, but my children's as well. Very, very hard to deal with.
I also understand that it doesn't feel like it right now, FAR from it actually, but you will get through this and you will be alright. You will also grow stronger because of it.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I have already stated he tried to choke me, and he did but it was really more of a nusiance while I was trying to drive,
What would you say to a friend that said this to you?
I know it feels wrong to have him gone, but he has zero respect for you now (believe, I know from experience), since he can treat you like he did and you did nothing in reaction. He needs to be gone. It feels wrong, of course it does. But its the right thing to do. Do NOT let him make you feel bad either.
