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I work at avoiding global terms like never.

You're right that your old wife is gone. So is your old M.



You (and the kids) could get involved in some kind of volunteer service....

Tree:

These comments about your old M being dead are spot on. I feel that too. What's unclear is whether a new marriage with our W can be created, or whether we have to find someone else. You write that you tell her everyday you have to start as friends, but she just doesn't want to hear it. That sounds typical, and in that situation I've come to feel that your only choice is to drop the rope. BND hit it right with the Sting lyrics--set her free. If she comes back, and you are still willing to have her, you might get a new R. But she might not come back, or you might not be willing to have her back when she tries. We can't predict the future very well. All we have is now, and she's not giving you anything now. Let her be. I know, easier said than done. But it's the only way to preserve your own emotional health and to make sure you stay strong for your kids. She's gone on her journey, perhaps temporarily or perhaps for good. She's not responding to you, so stop trying to get her to do so. Live your life for you and your kids. You must use this time to find your own joy and to gain insight into yourself.

I started a great book today, called Shifting Sands: A Guidebook for Crossing the Deserts of Change. The author, Steve Donahue, advises us to see life as crossing a desert rather than climbing a mountain. Climbing a mountain implies a clear cut destination, but when we cross a desert we have much less clarity about where we are going, how long it will take, etc. He says we should travel through life with a compass, not a map. By that he means have a general sense of direction, but not a specific destination in mind. I'll keep you updated; I like what he has to say.

Make it a good day. You create your own happiness today.

Tree:

Hey I have been reading your threads for a while now.
Just wanted to throw you some hope and or inspiration.

I was talking to my C about my WAW and said it is going to be a hard long road as it looks like she is to far gone and the situation seems hopeless. And this Stand that I am going through seems a litlle bit like playing me for the fool or just out right wasting my time or just plain screwed for the rest of my life ( I believe that when I said "I do" I meant it for life).

His reply to me was pretty good, he asked me "Well what if she where diagnosed with dimensia and every time you seen her she did not know you and was spewing venom at you what would you do then? I replied "I would be right by her side and see her through it. He responded well right now she is sick should'nt you do the same? I said yes I see what you are saying.

So really tis behavior you are experiencing really is your Wife being sick and you just need to Love her just the same as we are commanded to Love our wivesw unconditionally in sickness and in health.

Keep standing my friend hold firm do not let the big puss head satan win he is just using this deception through your wife to destroy another Family unit. Remember who is on your side standing in your corner.

He si the one who went down to the pits of hell and B!$(h Slapped the keys of death right out of that sissy's satans hand.
and trust me satan relly hates it when you remind him of his position by your authority in the SON.

Lone Wolf - out

Hi Tree,

Thanks for sharing your story / experience of watching your son play soccer. I felt so sad about the contrast you showed between you and your wife and then your friend's partner. I can really appreciate how heartbreaking that must have been.

I also want to acknowledge you for taking a road that you can feel good about: you got to see your son play, score a goal. You still get to be exactly the kind of Dad you would like to be for him--and for you. I know that the stress is huge right now in your marital relationship, but I hope you can allow yourself to feel valued by and that you have a lot to offer your kids right now.

I think your W. isn't in a place of being able to be very vulnerable with you...seems like she doesn't have a lot to give at this time. I don't hear your attitude as one of giving up, but of thinking about the difficult questions of where to set boundaries in this very challenging relationship situation. And I think you are right that there is a point at which sometimes it is better to exit a situation if it has become abusive or just so hurtful between two people. It's a tough one, but you are a man who is trying to find his way through this stuff with some integrity.

Purr

I am being way to sensitive and not detachng as well as i should or thought I was. The kids and I just drove down from Boston from W's Mom's funeral. She stayed behind with Family and friends and I drove the kids home. She just informed me that she is not getting home until late tomorrow night thus I get kids for whole weekend. Her freind is picking her up at the train station and then they are going out tomorrow night. She does everything she possibly can to make me feel like crap. When I ask her a simple question like can I give you a ride back for the auto repair shop she gives me some answer like "my friend is picking me up". Then twenty minutes later she will tell me it is Jill picking her up, not OM. I asked her If I could pick her up at the train station and she said no a friend was picking her up. Hard to ingnore. All she wants to do is be as hurtful as possible. She is never telling the truth. I tried to call her on my cell and she did not answer, so I called her on my son's cell and she answers right away. I hate this. I feel like I am being so used and tossed away. To sensitive?

Tree:

Yes, you sound like you are being too sensitive, too concerned with what she thinks, feels, does. That's natural, but not healthy. No one makes us feel anything. Feelings come from within. You are in control--remember that. She will do what she does; you can't control her. You do have the ability to control your response to her statements and actions. She can't "make" you feel anything. Let her do what she will do. You practice nonjudgment, nonattachment, and nonresistance. Go with the flow of life and make yourself as happy as you can. You are in control of yourself, not her.

Thanks Bruce...Man this is tough but I think I am doing well A little backslide now and again but doing well. The issue that bothers me is I am her palying Mr. Mom and she is out getting [censored] faced again and will tommorrrow night also. How much can you stand.

You are being a rock for W and for your kids. I read this and thought the idea was nice:

In the movie The Horse Whisperer, a horse name Pilgrim is seriously injured in an accident, leaving him physically mentally and emotionally scarred. His vet, believing the animal is beyond help recommends putting the animal out of his misery. But unwilling to give up on her horse, Pilgrims owner solicits help from a horse whisperer a man with an unusually deep affinity and understanding of horses. Even though he, too, feel Pilgrim may be too severely traumatized to recover, he agrees to help.

Attempting to soothe the horse and earn his trust, the horse whisperer works with Pilgrim but is unable to curb his rebellion. When the horse becomes agitated and upset, the mans lets him go without trying to hinder him.

Free to go where he wants, Pilgrim races into the pasture and stands a considerable way off. In silence the horse whisperer sits, watching and waiting. For hours neither moves. Finally, Pilgrim turns and looks back to see that the man is still there, then whinnies and begins drifting back toward him. A few feet shy however, Pilgrim stops. The two lock eyes. Without stirring, the horse whisperer waits silently. Pilgrim steps closer, hesitates then again moves in the man's direction. When he is finally in the man's presence the horse lowers his head and nudges the man's arm, at last trusting the horse whisperer to lead him through the healing process.

The only thing you can do right now is to sit and wait. Your mate may run away and remain distant for a while, expecting you to take some kind of action. But when s/he sees that you are not pursuing her/him, not running from her/him, not creating a new set of circumstances for her/him to deal with - when s/he sees you waiting patiently in love to allow her/him time to heal, s/he may come around to open up the communication lines again.
(By Linda W Rooks)

Thanks, Essie, for posting that. A beautiful reminder of just staying in the moment of uncertainty. That's the best we can hope for right now. If we are the ones who want the D, then we should move forward with that. If we still hold out some hope, then the only thing we can do is let the process take its course. I do agree that pursuit and showing neediness are not attractive. They have to work on their stuff, we need to work on ours. It then remains to be seen if the R can be reborn as a new creation. If it can't then we have learned some valuable lessons and gained insights into ourselves and life that we didn't know before. We can hold our heads high for that, and use those lessons to live fuller, more wonderful lives.

Tree, keep on being the rock for your kids. They need you, and you need them. Your W may be a party animal right now, but I'd be willing to bet she's in a lot of internal pain.

Thanks Essie, I think the message is "set her free". Things are funny here. She is still in Boston with family and friends and going out tonight with friends when she returns home. She wants a D really badly so she can pursue other interests. I feel like I am holding her back and I only want her to be happy. Hard spot for me. We have a date with the L's on 4.16 to discuss living arrangements and more. I wish I could act as if but the if does not look good right now. Kinda bummed this morning but I got my boys. I love thenm more and more everyday. We chad a great ride down from Boston (4hrs) without her. Everyone was laughing and joking it was a great ride. This would not have happened with her in the car. So relaxing around here without her.

Thanks for your note. I hope you are well.