Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Cake eating or progress?

The other day on the radio I heard a letter being read about "being old". (She was only 43, but whatever.) Anyway, one of the best lines was "the laughter from my youth is forever etched in the lines by my mouth." (Or something akin to that.)

I liked that.

Also, I have noticed that *I* like peoples' scars. I like the story behind the scar and that the person has more "character". But somehow stetch marks don't strike me as scars, per se. ...but I suppose if they were on the body of someone I loved, I wouldn't care.

My H is very hairy. Prior to him, I thought I didn't like a hairy chest. I *love* his hairy chest. And he has hair on his back too- and you know what, I like it. I NEVER EVER would have thought I would like that. Love sure can change a person's point of view.

Speaking of the "expectation circus rolling into town"--I can tell that I have already purchased my VIP seats.

LOL! My H is kinda hairy too, and I find this current trend of total hair removal in men pretty creepy!!!

Ellie

Yeah, my W has a hairy back too - I love it!

Kidding

ROFLMAO!!!

In 24 hours, I will be en route to the airport with my H to go to Costa Rica for 12 days.

Since his return from FL and his announcement that we are exclusively dating, he has backed off a bit. Not a ton, but I can tell the 'shine' he had for me when he first came back has worn off some. It might be work pressure that is causing the change- I sure hope so. Part of the shine he had when he came back is that I had made a DRAMATIC hair change (short to very long-he likes long hair) and I also did some special girly things. Well, now the novelty of these changes has worn off. Not that he doesn't appreciate the changes, but just that they are "just so 'last week'".

Argh! so nervous about this trip! The last time we went to a hot/humid climate was in 2001 when he decided he was going to leave in 2006. It was an awful vacation. At least this time my thyroid isn't messed up (Doc just upped my dosage as I am still at the high end of acceptable), but I have to be honest- because the nail in the coffin came from a 'vacation', there is a lot of pressure to make *this* vacation the most memorable, fun, exciting,fill in the blank, vacation he has EVER had.

A band we like is coming to the local winery in the summer (end of July). I TM'd H to see if I should pick up tix. He wrote back saying "yes, get 4". Because this sitch is so stinking volatile, my first thought was "Yay! he figures we'll still be seeing eachother" but then I had a bad thought of "Boo. he thinks we'll be broken up and so this way we can take other people as our dates." (It's General Seating, so it's not like we would have to sit near each other if we went separately.) Roller coasters in Limbo Land SUCK!

So very nervous- wish me luck

I totally understand where you are at, Trixi. W and me just did a 3-day weekend in Seattle, to see a band we like, and do some shopping while we were down there.

We were both nervous, since it was the first time we had spent more than one night together since the sep in December.

When we got there, we had a glass of wine in the hotel bar, and drank a toast to "no expectations". And we ended up having a really nice time, with no awkwardness at all.

I don't know if there was any progress in our sitch, she holds her cards pretty close.

So, if you approach your trip the same way...I think it will be OK. Don't go, expecting huge progress, only to be disappointed as you watch everything under the microscope that we LBS's all have.

I also bought tickets for an open-air concert at the end of August. I'm going, whether it's with her or with someone else!!

Heya MM-
I have been watching your thread pretty closely and see a lot of similarities. He says that we lack an emotional connection, that he is taking things day by day, trying to figure things out, etc.

I like the idea of a "no expectations" toast.

My H (finally!) told his parents that he was going to Costa Rica, that he was going with me, and that we have been seeing each other for awhile now. Supposedly, they just said "oh. that's nice." Not sure if I really believe that. I said to H "really? that's ALL they said?" and he said "yeah-pretty much." I have a feeling it was more than that, but he doesn't want to tell me because it will make more bad blood between us. He knows I am hurt by their response to all of this. I haven't heard from them at all- the last time I talked to his mom was in July when I called to see if she was mad at me since she never even called to say she was sorry that we were going thru this. No Christmas contact, no birthday contact, no birthday contact for DD (that my H adopted)...flipping rude! Have I made contact? No. It was clear that I shouldn't bother.

Question: If a Spouse is complaining of a lack of emotional connection, but the DB theory is to "act as if" and not put pressure on the WAS- how do you make those two things fit together?

Trixi,
I was just reading through your current thread and the lack of emotional connection caught my eye.

My W will be moving out of our house into an apartment this coming weekend. She had an A the second half of last year which ended in Jan. We have been piecing since and went to a Retro weekend in Jan.

In the beginning of piecing, W was very entusiastic about things working out, but the enthusiasm has slipped, hence her decision to move out. She is back to saying that the feelings just aren't what they should be and that she wants to have the passion for me that I have for her. We are going into the separation at a point in our R where we are communicating and getting along very well. I'm hoping that this separation helps her find what she is looking for (with us).

Weird thing is that she wants me to get out and see other people. She wants me to be sure that I also want her and that it is not just a matter of convenience or comfort.

Just wanted to let you know that I was reading your post and think I may have something to learn hear.

Have fun on your vacation!

Errr... I dont see how those two things ARE related??

If the WAS is complaining about lack of emotional connection... then shouldnt the LBS be trying to improve that, in whatever ways they believe would be helpful?
Not sure what "act as if" has to do with the situation.

Anyways, have a nice trip

I was wondering the same thing as Trixi. Whether its emotional connection or just a connection in general, the acting 'as if' seems to be counterintuitive. Why does this make the spouse want to come back, whether the case is that they are with someone else or if they are just not fully engaged in the marriage?

Personally I think I jumped back into our R too quickly following reconciliation and this spooked W a bit. I was wanting it all and she wanted to give that to me, but I don't think she was ready for that yet. Maybe there is some guilt that they aren't feeling the same level of feelings? I'm not sure, but I think that my W wanting to separate is a way to slow things down a little to really make sure that fixing us is right.

I'm just as confused as the rest of you and don't have a clear plan at the moment...