Last night after work I didn't really see wife to much. Took youngest out when I got home then back for dinner. After dinner played with kids a bit then was bath and bedtime and W went to gym. I was shattered so was in bed when she got home at 9pm, exchanged pleasentries then off to kip. No idea what time she came to bed.
Youngest was up 6am and W turn to get up so he came to our bed for 20 mins before I asked if she would just get up with him so I could get an extra 30 mins. I got up and was offered a lift to work, which I accepted but I was going to run as wife wanted to get out the house for 20 mins. Think Y was winding her up.
Anyway, I had breakfast while she got ready then got myself ready. When coming back down ready to get kids dressed and go to work, W flipped. She was picking up some food from carpet and asked when we were going to get carpet cleaner that was at my mums, I said I don't know and ok I wasn't particularly clear on when we would get it, but she flipped. I said I hadn't planned yet but we would need to do it when we all out the house afterwards for the rest of the day as floor will be wet. I calmly said calm down, it's not a big deal, I know Y is winding you up but calm down. 'I'm in a mood cause I live with you, your a Fxxxer, your a fxxxer to live with'. All this in front of the boys. She then got out a toy to play with with the words 'I'll get x out for you as dad never does' !!!
I got my stuff, said don't worry about the lift I'll walk, kissed the boys and left.
So, did I handle that ok ? Why would my wife flip so bad ? was it just a mood or is my new positive me winding her up ? It was water of a ducks back to me, her words no longer hurt me, but in front of the boys I thought that was bang out of order and feel I should say something. However, I don't want to have a reaction that makes things worse.
Not to burst your bubble, but saying, "calm down", and then trying to explain why she isn't calm is invalidating and fixing. Yes, you took her abuse, but you didn't do anything to defuse it. And there is a chance that being Mr. Chipper is pissing her off. Plus, you made her get up first (even though you went to bed earlier). When she was on a tear and asked about the cleaner, you could have just said you'd get it. You could have asked what was wrong. You could have said, "sorry you feel that way" when she ranted at you.
Of course, it's acceptable to walk away from that kind of swearing at you. It would also be okay to set a boundary that you don't want her doing that in front of the kids. Or you could say, can we take this elsewhere.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
ok, bit of an update as i am having a paranoid evening and cant sleep for it (11.20pm in uk and i'm knackered)
Think I'm doing the step backwards at the moment TBH. Doing everything I think I should be and don't feel i'm getting anything back at all.
W went to a friends for drinks sat night and got in at 2.15am, but i can't help but think there was something more. maybe i'm just paranoid (highly likely) but don't understand why a night round a friends from 7.30pm ish goes on til 2am when they have young kids !!! Just seems odd to me. Also, she got into bed clothed, then didn't sleep for over an hour (when i crashed out after she woke me up). Then she woke up early and didn't go back off and she is usually a big sleeper and I know I only really struggle for sleep when paranoid or guilty !!!
So, my questions I guess. When would you expect to notice changes of some sort ? My W is being ok, were not arguing but she has avoided me a lot today it feels even though we've not been in house or same room together for very long.
It's very tough this, think i'm doing reasonably well but having a tough time not to ask the wrong things, say the wrong things. Just trying to remain nice and spend loads o timewith boys and do stuff round house that needed doing but normally i would put off. I don't mind doing these things, i've just always before put them off till really necessary. Still lots of other stuff that needs doing and i'd like to do, but I don't want to spend money on doing stuff to house if we were to split up and then it's wasted money if you get me as W would no doubt stay in the house for some time and every penny I would need.
Also struggling a bit with the snooping, not fallen back but there is that part where you think you'd rather find something that confirmed your fears, though I know this gains nothing.
Anyway, will try and sleep now, any responses very welcome.
After my paranoid night, I got stuff off my chest yesterday to a good friend and felt much better. My W then went out last night and when saying goodbye and kissing my son goodnight she lent forward to give me a kiss before realising and stopped herself. She then said, oops, I forgot, so I said you can give me a kiss if you like and she puckered up when closing the living room door on the way out.
Not reading to much into that, but it did give me a buzz like when you fancy someone as a teenager and get a little positive response when you think you've no chance.
Will try and look at more posts, and respond where I feel I can. it's a bit awkward as either at work or at home with W.
Another update. I'm kinda using this as a journal as much as anyhting and think it helps just to write things down.
W had busy day yesterday and was shattered and a bit stressed when she arrived home, shortly after I had got in from work, tidied up, showered, washed up etc and as in a state she was riling me, to which I avoidied biting and arguing. She was having a bit of a go at my oldest for what I thought was no reason so I would reassure him that mummy was just tired and not to get upset (as he appeared he was) and tried to continue playing with him. MIL then came round and also told W to stop snapping at the oldest, though not sure it got through.
I made pizza and fed youngest then usual bath and bedtime routine. Asked if W wanted to do anything, game or something but she said she was to tired and I offered a massage which was declinned. Oh, I also gave her some money for today as she's taken the boys out and got a thank you. I mena, she would of probably used joint account anyway, but I wanted to do that for me anyway to ensure the kids have a great day. Bit sad I'm not there to enjoy as well, but someone has to work !!!
Not sure if any progress is really being made in R, but certainly feel more positive in me. Got more confident and finding the kids more fun than ever. Oldest is certainly responding and really wants to play with dad all the time which is great as he was such a mummys boy.
Ok, will prob update tomorrow.
GL to all and any comments greatly appreciated. Even to tell me ...noooooooooo, your doing it all wrong. I won't know if nobody says !!
Convinced my W is cheating and pretty sure at least an EA. Not sure if she has met up as only one opportunity, but i think she did.
Why, if she wants out, would she carry on like this ? Why does she want to hurt me so bad ?
I've never hurt her directly or verbally. I'm a good guy. I have not shown her love and affection yes, but this is sick.
I'm contemplating confronting her and leaving, but that is at this moment in time. I don't want to her my kids, but i'm in serious pain right now. no idea how i'm going to sleep.
cheating is the lowest form and most painful thing in the world. If you do it, make sure the other person has no way of finding out or suspecting.
Snooping is bad yes, but when the trust has gone, the paranoia kicks in and you want confirmation of your suspicions. (not that i've snooped for a while, but things just don't add up of late)
It sounds like you're in a really tuff spot at the moment...
Yes, agreed cheating is bad but things didn't get to this stage on their own - at least that's what has become crystal clear to me in my sitch. Best thing I did in getting over some of the hurt was to accept some /much responsibility for the sitch I am in and my contribution to it.Sure thats hard too, but not as hard as feeling done over and taken for a ride all the time which is how I started. That just feeds the victim in us and keeps nudging any sense of control we might be looking for out of reach.
IMO you're gonna have to decide if you're in this for the long haul - even if the furthest you can look forward at the moment is say the next couple of weeks. ..I reckon this is about the very minimum you can give yourself to see what sort of an impact you can have with a new strategy and in many cases it will not be enough.
I think, get your Rocky gloves on, smear some Bruce Willis warpaint / sweat over your brow and do your best Clint Eastwood sneer and resolve to get the focus on you and your kids, sort out some serious 180s and GAL. You're not going to be able to do anything about your W and OM so forget it and do your very very best to let go of any thoughts you have in that direction.
Then regroup in a couple of weeks to see where you stand. And don't snoop - it'll throw you off course and divert your focus back on to W.
You need to recover some control for yourself, over yourself...this would be just a couple of weeks...its nothing in the big scheme of things...then see how the land lies.
That of course, is all IMO.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
much appreciated GFI - Sorry long post now, lost of head stuff going on.
I feel a little better this morning on not a great deal of sleep. Had a lot of thinking time last night and come to the conclusion a lot of my stuff is suspision and paranoia and if it's just e-mails or texts at the moment I don't actually know what the context of them is.
I have done some huge life changing 180s and am super positive all the time, with the occasinoal small lapse if my W has a go. I don't mean I snap, but will explain a situation which is usually around how I handle my boys. everyone else thinks i'm a great dad, yet my W doesn't seem to trust my capabilities with them. She does if I get them off her hands, but if she is there, it's a nightmare, gotta do it how she wants.
Yes, I want to be in this for the long haul, but I'm no longer sure how I would cope if W did have an affair. I had dealt with the initial thing and moved one, but was under the impression it had completely stopped and was a mistake. What a 10 years younger man with a GF wants except for the obvious with a married woman with 2 kids is beyond me and my W just doesn't seem to see that. Is this and the wanting to go out all the time standard MLC ?
Can anyone tell me the success rate of DB & DR BTW ? (sorry if it's here somewhere)
Still feel bad today, but probably not see to much of W til Sunday no so bit easier to calm myself down.
Oh - Also, why is snooping actually so bad ? yes you might find out things you might not want to but at least your paranoia goes ?
I am trying to take it a day at a time but it's horrible thinking that W may me speaking, laughing and joking with friends and OM about us. All this being positive by me, is it a relief to her ? not making her think I don't care and therefore easier to continue with OM ? I don't think it's right either way whilst were still living together to carry on like this.
Probably all silly questions as I think I know the answers, but confused and hurting ATM.
Got holidays coming up soon too, so plan to keep quiet at least until that is passed to see how that goes and that's if W hasn't said something before then and thinks I'm not going.
I do keep thinking to myself, maybe I should just leave as most people think she wouldn't cope. I think her stubborness would kick in and she would be more determined. It's not really what I want to do anyway as I want to be with my kids, but I can't control my thoughts at all ATM.
I believe everything happens for a reason, i'm just trying to figure out the reason behind this.
Well, think I have some ideas about your questions - but only from a personal perspective - so plase take it for what it is!
On the snooping - although ever sinew in you wants to know whats going on, every time I have disovered something it has set me back days and possibly weeks. The thing is you only get half a story and your brain fights to fill in the pieces - usully the bad wrong ones. If you're looking my experience tells me that I rarely discover something positive. If you don't find anything your tendency will be not to think that things are not going on but that you're not looking hard enough! And discovery of your snooping will reinforce feelings in your W that you don't trust her. In view of the fact that you cannot influence W's actions and that you are committed to be in this for the long haul it makes no sense to snoop. Also it throws your focus back onto her and her actions. You need your focus to be on you right now. Do not be distracted from this by snooping.
I very much doubt if your W is laughing and joking with anyone behind your back. In all likelihood she is probably in a great deal of distress if not traumatised. She can't show you this though.She may be waiting to see how you react to see if there is anything in your actions which confirm for her action she should take. Don't complete the picture for her and give her the excuses she may be waiting for by reverting to type. If you want to keep your R with her and boys together this is going to be really tough but you can do it. What was it about you that she loved in the first place - what is it that you think she values in a R - write it down on paper and look for ways of mapping real actions onto those qualities. Don't look for big bang effects, just manageable, effective, repeatable changes.
Great dad, rubbish dad...same here - consider self to be a great dad when flying solo and completely rubbish when in presence of W - or at least did...not able to do right things, make right decisions etc. Its been a major, major source of frustration not to say upset and tear inducing as at times I have felt completely walked all over in my attempts to do the right things - not that there is necessarily a right or wrong, perhaps just different. Don't forget that yuour W is not likely to be able to see that there is a different way of doing stuff right now - just her way. I took advise from some folks here and aked her "I can see that you think I didn't handle that well, what do you think I should have done?"
Also I started taking my S6 away so he and I could spend some quality uninterrupted, non-undermined time together. If W sees that you can handle this and that your boys come back alive, happy and in love with Daddy it might go some way to changing perception. There's something quite powerful and empowering about a little boy constantly saying "me and Daddy...." I have found youth hostels to be great places for this sort of thing - they have other kids in them, they're well set up to make life easy - meals etc and there are often lots of kiddie friendly activities near by. Also look for something that you and sons can do that is yours.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
