Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

You don't need to pretend it's a mutual decision. You don't need to pretned anything. I don't know that all truths need to be spoken. I can tell you from personal experience how easy it is to set yourself up as being right and the impact this has on kids (been on both sides of this one). Life isn't (for the most part) IMO black and white, it's just too many variations of gray.

You'll do what's best for you kids. It's more than clear how much you love them.

HUGS

CW, how have your kids reacted to being told it was their father's decision? I feel like even if I tell them it's a mutual decision, they'll know anyway. They know I love H and love the four of us being together, they just do.

Plus, once he moves out, people are going to ask me about it, what happened, etc. What do you say then, especially if your kids are with you? No one who has known my H, us, our family understands why he is doing this. I am at a loss to explain it myself.

I'm just too confused right now to focus on anything else. H & I had a talk about OR and I got angry at him and then apologized and started crying and he held me tight. I feel all this warmth and love from him when he does things like that but then he tells me he just doesn't love me the right way. He's sometimes sweet and kind and affectionate AND he's breaking my heart at the same time--how can that be?

Why do you need to explain anything? If it's a close friend, you can talk privately at another time. I have limited what I say to all but my closest friends (no, everyone in the free world is not my closest friend). To those that know us both and ask I just say we're sperated. If they ask what happened, I just say I'd rather not discuss the details (or something in that vein).

What I think and say becomes who I am.




He's an idiot and a confused one at that. Have compassion if you can.

HUGS

I am soooo exhausted. We--the four of us--went skiing for a long weekend and had a great time for the most part. On the drive up, we were singing and laughing and being silly and H&I were teasing each other and bantering like we always have. So of course the next day H had to go back into "the tunnel." He was weird and distant with me after that.

At one point, D11 and I were remembering something that happened recently at my IL's 50th anniversary party and she started talking about how she was going to plan a 20th party for me & daddy (that is 4 years away). I kind of went along with it but of course my heart was breaking.

There is NO WAY I can even imagine sitting down and telling our Ds we're splitting. It really just does not make sense--although H seems hell-bent on trying to justify this, so now he displays no physical affection at all, I guess as some sort of "hint" for the girls (see--notice how mom and I aren't affectionate anymore?) But that is FAKE, it is NOT how we have been for most of our M and it bothers me so much to have Ds witness that.

I'm fried--physically and emotionally. My cousin is coming this weekend, friends are coming for dinner tomorrow, H's bday is on Friday and all the grandparents want to come over for Easter. HELP! I feel like I am going to crack.

That's just another part of this drama--that my mother and H's parents have been friends for the duration of our M. We get together for holidays--all of us. H's parents know what's going on, but I have not yet told my mother. I simply don't know how to explain this. She adores H and thinks we're the loveliest couple and family. She is also very irrational at times (and she drinks) and I fear that she would call Hs parents and yell at them or call H and unleash her anger at him for hurting me. Telling her is sure to only increase my stress, so I keep avoiding it.

bump^

Sorry, been busy with houseguests. One morning, not long before he was going to move out, the kids were cuddling with him in bed in the morning and I came in and sat at the end of the bed. I just turned to them and said, "Guys, Dad has something he has to tell you." And he told them that he was moving out, that adult relationships are complicated and that we were separating, that he was very unhappy and he had to move out. Immediately followed by "Both your Mom and I love you very much and we will always be a family, we are trying to work out some things between us but you two are the most important things to us." We all hugged.

They are sad that Dad has chosen to move out, but whenever they bring it up I just respond, "You know Daddy really loves you a lot." When they say they wish Daddy lived here, I just agree and repeat that he loves them. Sure, there have been some times where my daughter says that there must be something wrong with her Dad that he doesn't want to live with his kids and I just repeat the love thing and say that Dad is really unhappy right now and he's just trying to figure things out.

H and I didn't talk about when it was going to happen, it just seemed like the time was right. Part of it, I'm sure, was that I didn't want a little countdown to D Day and I wanted to take control of the situation since I felt so powerless.

Honestly, it does help that we share the house and that we still do spend a lot of time together as a family. It's definitely the most difficult for me, the most unfair to me, but it's OK because it's best for the kids.

Check out whileweheal.org.

Thanks, CW. I'm so torn about spending time as a family or letting H come to our house and garden, work in the basement, kiss the kids goodnight--which is what he envisions once he moves out.

I think it would be very confusing for the kids--and upsetting for me. They miss him when he goes to chorus rehearsal one night a week and gets home late. Having him say goodnight and then leave to go to his own apt would not make them happy.

I see so much pain and sadness for my kids, given that we are a mostly-happy and close-knit family. It's hard for me to get beyond where I'm at now, wanting to prevent H from moving out at all. It has now been 5 months since he dropped the IDLYA bomb and I STILL can't accept that this is really going to happen.

I've also been reading about how divorce among low-conflict couples is harder on kids than when high-conflict marriages end. The rug is just going to be pulled out from under them and it scares me. As I've mentioned before, my D11 is already quite fragile these days and going to a new, high-pressure school next year. I worry a lot about how this will affect her.

Hey LMG, I read your thread, but I am not sure if I posted before and forgive me if I forget some of your deatils... are you having counselling? I know you said that this possible D is bringing up alot of abandonment issues for you and I am sure that that must be very hard to cope with. You are vunerable because of your past and it is hard lessons right now. There are alot of people on these boards whose partners dropped the IDLYA bomb around Oct/Nov last year (me included). Its like there was this seismic shift in humanity and we are all being put through the wringer, having to learn these hard lessons.

I'm struggling too, but try and remember that no matter how hard it is, its what needs to happen (the reasons arent clear yet, but they will become so I am sure eventually!) and it wont be as hard as this ever again. It is a really really difficult time in your life, so get all the help that you can (I am seeing 2 counellors, as it is free, and I dont even have kids to worry about!) Also..worrying, I know its hard but try not to worry abut everything all at once, just break it down inot chunks.. for example you cant worry about all this AND the effect of going to a new school on your D. Just try and get through this one day at a time and tackle today and how you are going to handle things with your H.

It doesnt seem a clean break to me, he sounds a typical MLCer, so perhaps you should let him go...give him space and he may come back??

Thinking of you,
Ali x
________________
Me: 37
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed!

Thanks, Ali.
At this point, I am ready to let H go. It's telling the kids that I still cannot imagine. Given how close we have been, I cannot picture this making sense to them or being better for them in any way, shape or form. And once we tell them, I think it has to be final. They will want us to get back together, naturally, and I don't think we can offer that as an option because it will keep their hopes up and be confusing.

I have been so distracted and unable to focus on anything else. Today H will be out all day, so maybe that will help me get back on track--one hour, one task at a time.

lmg,

I hope today went well (or at least ok) for you.

I don't think you have to offer any options as to what will happen. Prepare them and if they have hope deep in their hearts and minds, I don't think you have to renforce (lead them on) or squash it (destroy them) either. You can listen if and when they speak of it (they may not) and just acknowledge that that's what they'd like. When you put them and their best interest first (which I know you will) you help them be the incredible people they are now and will be in the future.