Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

All I can say is that what he is doing is emotionally abusive on some level, even if it's unintentional an indirect. He ignores me, won't touch me, doesn't call or email me unless it's necessary, won't go anywhere with me alone and snaps at me in ways he never did. Yes, I understand he is in trouble and suffering himself. On the other hand, he is causing me a huge amount of pain.

Last night (after my above post) when he came to bed I said "How are you?" He said "fine, how are you?" I said "I feel very sad that you won't touch me. It makes me feel so rejected." He said "Sorry."

I'm really at the end of my rope. Yesterday all of us (me, H, the kids) went to the aquarium and had a fun day together--except of course H won't touch me or look at me. Still, we crack jokes together. But I feel so alone when I'm with him. I am having SUCH a hard time letting go and detaching. I can't stop thinking about how in love we used to be, how people admired our R, how kind and loving and sweet H used to be to me. I always felt so LUCKY to have him and he used to say he felt the same.

Deep down I think it's all my fault that he gave up on us, that's what's so hard to face. Even if I somehow figure out how to live without him, I don't know how I am going to learn to live with myself.

I doubt it is all your fault. I have done alot of "soul searching" and while it is not all my fault, there are things I am accountable for. Since I can't change the past, I am working on the things I would like to change. am I doing any of it so he'll see it? Honestly, no. I don't think he'll be back. What I am looking at is who I want to be. Where I want to go and how best to get there. It's hard and (at the moment) incredibly lonely. Quick, hand me a staw and I'll suck it up.

I hope you have a good day. HUGS

lmg,

I want to second what Grace said about it not being ALL your fault. Maybe to help you feel like you are doing something, you could write down what you think are the things that you can change - either things your H has complained about or just things you feel yourself can be changed. What things would you like to change for you? Work on those things for yourself.

It sounds like you know you need to detach but are having a hard time doing it. I think detaching takes time and practice. I'm so much better at it than I was 6 months ago, when I think I first starting "getting it". But it is something that you have to constantly work at to keep it going and to be better at it.

I know what it feels like to feel so alone even when you are with your H. That is my life too. But I am getting better at finding my own happiness from within myself and the parts of my life that don't have anything to do with my H, so I am okay feeling alone even when he is there. It is what it is right now.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, Grace and NG. It helps, always, to hear from you guys and my other friends here!

I dunno--it's all so crazy. H is so weird and cold most of the time, but then we also laugh and have fun together and it seems like he is making a huge, life-altering deal out of nothing. I don't get why he is SO opposed to trying to make our M work when it seems like we could in a heartbeat if we both wanted to.

I am so prone to feeling guilty and to beating myself up that now I feel like he's angry at me for being uncooperative with his whole separation idea. He literally seems surprised and kind of resentful that I would resist busting up our M and our family and that I'm not willing to tell the kids it's a mutual decision (though I've said I wouldn't badmouth him, just want him to own that it's his wish to leave the M.)

I feel like an innocent person who is being forced to admit to a crime I didn't commit.

Today is exactly 19 years since H and I went on a ski weekend with another couple and fell in love. We went as friends and started dating after the weekend. It was SO fun. I would do anything to go back in time and re-live that weekend. I would never have thought it would come to this--but then, who does?

Unfortunately lmg, I'm right there with 'ya..........wish we could use a 2X4 on our H's and bring them back to reality!!

Ugh. I am just so miserable and lost. H tried to talk to me about what I "envision" when we separate and I resisted. How do I not enable the separation and "go dark" if we have to talk about this stuff? I told him that he refused to do MC with me and so I am refusing to discuss separating with him. Why should I go along with his plan when he refused to even consider mine?

I feel so utterly powerless and hurt and angry and worried for my Ds. I think the fallout for them will be huge.

Don't do a tit-for-tat thing, even if it feels like it's the right thing to do right now. Just tell him you want the two of you to put your Ds front and center. Focus on them. The fallout is huge, but you can make it be the best it can be for them. In my sitch, my kids are my number one priority.

My kids are number one also, but I can't even get to a place where I can imagine doing this to them. I look at their faces or hear them talk about family stuff (like D11 plans for our anniversary party) and a feeling of nausea and panic comes over me.

lmg,

Could you tell him that you are just not in a state of mind to talk about what you envision in a separation? If you feel up to it you could offer up listening to what he envisions.

Let him know that you don't agree with his plan of separating, but you know you can't control his choices and you can't stop him. Maybe ask for a given amount of time to get yourself into a state of mind that you feel you can handle those discussions in.

You don't want to look to him like you are pleading with him.

I don't know, just some random thoughts...