Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikB #26 (tentatively moving to Piecing, again)

OT - we cross posted but thanks for the additional clarification. I totally agree, especially wanted to comment on this:

"IMHO, too many people try to work piecing one-sided. The M is held together in a shaky way for a couple of years, and then falls apart."

As I know happened to many of us - during/shortly after the first bomb H told me (much to my shock) that he felt he was doing everything he possibly could to fix our M for the prior few years and he was giving up. I was thinking - really? Where was I during this whole "fixing" process? I didn't even know anything was all that bad.. but hey, OK, you're telling me now, so let's fix it together. Oh wait.. too late, he's already given up.

Me trying to "fix" it alone isn't going to work any better.

Hey OT,
Sorry if I came on to strong. I do agree that working on a marriage takes two. Believe me I have been holding things together by myself also for a long time. In fact I think NikB is allot farther along than I am. But...... in Piecing somebody needs to make the first move. I think I am at a place now that things are "comfortable" In fact a little too comfortable. I need to be careful also. There has not been any R talk with my W for a while but I agreed to it. I agreed that we need to concentrate on her getting a job. ME if I was the one without the job I could put it aside until the R was worked out one way or another. BUT W puts the lack of a job as a self image issue. SO I am respecting her wishes and acknowledging the fact that that means allot to her. But what I think you might have been saying is so true. Like I said I am getting too comfortable with the lack of tensions around the house. What I need to do is to continue to GAL and keep a PMA. Keep it up until we have an R talk and I have a commitment. Even after the word commitment is used between us. WE STILL need to gal. Other wise we fall right back in to the same slump.
Yes NikB can post where ever she wants but I see her coming here as a positive outlook on her part. Like you said she can't assume and I am sure she knows it that things are ok without a decent R talk...

Take care OT and sorry if I did not come off right. You are a wise person.

Husband

No worries Husband, at all. I figured you were just feeling a bit defensive, perfectly normal. One of the very most important things I learned from DBing is that when people get reactive with you, it is pretty much always about themselves and their own issues, not about you. So, like I said, no worries at all.

But, about the "wise" crack, I'm not so sure at all about that I'm not so much wise and just on the other side, from which one has a much more objective perspective.

Nik B, and Oldtimer,
I have a loose definition of Piecing that I think is realistic. What Oldtimer is referring to regarding a stated commitment from both parties is further along in the Piecing process, and may deserve another name. I think it's too strict a standard for entry into this forum.

I think Piecing can occur if you have one committed partner (as with Nik), and an ambivalent partner. As long as the couple is living under the same roof, and has some connection in the R, than I think Piecing is occurring.

It seems like a typical scenario we have here on this forum is a LBS who has gotten stronger and healthier, and a WAS who has returned but is just beginning to wrestle with their issues. They have a connection to the M, but maintain some distance as they struggle with depression and anxiety. They are not yet at a point where they can commit to the M--they don't have the strength.

It would no longer be Piecing if one of the partners was indifferent about the M. Wavering commitment and ambivalence is part of the process, and still constitutes Piecing IMO.

CL

I think maybe you misunderstood me, so we might be saying something pretty similar, dunno.

There's a difference between a commitment to staying M and a commitment to trying to find an M that is successful in terms of what both people want (an effort that may or may not work out, and an effort that one can make sincerely even if ambivalent).

People who want the commitment to staying M before they'll try to piece aren't going to get very far. (Unfortunately, lots of LBSs look for this sort of thing as soon as the WAS begins to question whether they should leave after all.) Kind of like refusing to go on a first date unless one gets a promise of going steady later on. I sure wouldn't go on the first date if someone wanted me to accept a promise ring first. I sure wouldn't try to work on an M I was ready to leave if someone wanted me to swear to stay forever first. To be trite, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, DON'T try to lock it up again.

Freedom is essential to love — to its existence, recognition, and growth.

See OT,
I knew you were the "wise one". This is so true. never really thought of it that way.
I also agree with CL. I think my sitch is more like what he said.

Thanks Guys

Husband

Well, we don't do drinks over here sweetie, but since you offered, I think I'll take a double shot of Rumplemintz. Been a tough day with a meathead student and his equally meathead moms.

Okay. Here's what I have to tell you: it's time to suck it up and just have the conversation. In your mind you are playing out stories about how it *might* go, and every time you play it out is torture. I say, face reality and just do it, like pulling off a bandaid.

This will be a gradual thing...or at least it was for me. You can't go from walking on eggshells to full on boundary setting like I did. However, you have to start somewhere. No marriage is worth anything when you don't talk about things...even the stuff that makes you feel ewwy inside.

So, what's the worst that can happen? You've already lived it in your mind...just talk to the boy about this. Get calm, get clear, and ask in a non-accusatory way. Go down that path...get some clarity...and, most importantly, DETACH FROM THE OUTCOME.

He'll either blow up or he won't. He'll tell you he has hot monkey sex with the skank or not. He's still attached or not. He's working on the marriage or not. It's information to help you decide what you are going to do for YOU. Treat it like that...detach. Ultimately, he has the right to choose for himself, and it really has little to do with you.

Do it...and then watch how EMPOWERING it is to you, even if the answer makes you squirm. You'll be okay in the end.

SD

SD,

Took the words right out of my mouth.

JAK

OT,
This very much hits home with my current sitch. W and I started piecing back in Jan. and I've been looking for her committment to committing to us. I'm not sure if I ever verbalized that, but it has certainly been in my mind. W is has been feeling that her feelings for me/us aren't what they should be and now wants to separate to get her feelings in order and head on straight. I guess its time to let go again.

Hi Nik!

Hope this weekend proves well for you, and your able to get that courage up. Act as if.

going out of town this weekend, but wishing you well.