Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Affair is over and WW is responding

Yes, I've asked her many times and I get the typical fog babble. Never loved me, Been miserable for years, This is all about her happiness, you know the drill.

Am I pissed that her affair has not ended in my timeline? Um...YES. She's been rubbing it in my nose for going on a year now (although I only got her to admit it 7 months ago).

I know my posts may seem full of anger, and that is there, but I'm not going to tell the kids to punish her. I haven't done anyting to punish her the past year. Do you think grown kids should be lied to? Do you think that by not telling them what's going on it's going to HELP them? If you equate this affair to a drug addiction (of what ever kind), you'll know that the best cure for an addict is INTERVENTION. I really, really don't want to hurt my kids and I would do anything to not have them go through this, but I haven't said a word to them all this time just so I could protect them from the hurt. And it's obvious to me that WW is planning on trying to manipulate things so she can at some point integrate OM into their lives. And can anyone seriously tell me that I should not do everything in my power to protect my kids from an alcoholic, abusive OM?

I've asked her about counseling many times and she replies "I don't believe in that stuff". Of course you don't because you don't want to hear how messed up you are. I think you are right about the self confidence. And I don't know why not. She is smart, funny and previous to this affair, a blast to be around. But she told me OM makes her feel confident.

No I don't think the OM being involved with the kids would be healthy, even if he wasn't an drug addict, abusive leech. She probably feels confident around him because he might be the only person more screwed up then her.

He probably tells her how he needs her in his life, she makes him feel good. Blah blah. I agree snap her backside into reality, and I agree the children should know the truth.

What I am really asking is are you sure you have had enough and this is what you want. Because what you want today might not be what you want tomorrow. Have you thrown in the towel on her and decided she needs to learn things on her own without your support.

Believe me brother I can empathize, but maybe you can force her to pay her own bills and leave her to own device without kicking her out. Also given her fragile and I dare say unstable mind, do you think you can protect your children better by still living together and having some sense of what is going on, or by your children visiting her on her terms God knows where. Just asking some questions.

On the other hand maybe helping her pack her crap and telling her go be with who ever you want to be and good luck to you, will snap her out of it. But if you do that accept the fact she probably isn't coming back anytime soon. If she fails on her own she will lose all self respect and won't ask for help.

Pride can be a real negative sometimes.

Thanks Good. I apologize if I sounded a little defensive. I hear what you are saying. I'm going to talk to my counselor tomorrow and find out his take on the timing of everything. Maybe I just tell the kids the truth and tell them that I don't know how much longer I can take the disrespect and abuse. Trust me, it's abuse. If he recommends that I tell the kids without setting my boundaries of what I will live with, then I'll take his advise. I just think through this whole thing, WW has used how much I care about her and the kids to manipulate me into allowing her to continue this affair. And that has to stop, one way or another.

I've read elsewhere that waywards don't really love the OP, it's that they love how the OP makes them feel. So how do you break that addiction? She either needs to wake up on her own or be woken up. And she's got plenty of evidence that OM is a serial cheater, but she just thinks "she's different". I don't know if I posted earlier or not, but OMW thinks OM has another one lined up in his new location already. So what can I do to protect myself and my kids? Get the truth out there and set my boundaries. I will not allow her to use me anymore.

And you're right about the pride thing. WW is the most prideful, stubborn creature ever created and I can see her figuring out she made a mistake, but not coming back because that would take her admitting a mistake. If she does leave, I can imagine her and OM ending soon, but her going looking for the next "love of my life" instead of returning to those who really love her. And if that happens, its sad, but I can't control her so she's just going to have to figure things out on her own.

I understand completely wish I had answers for you others and myself. Ultimately even though love is considering others before yourself, a time comes when you have to do what is right for you and the kids. In time forgive her for not having the tools to what is right or even knowing what is right and forgive yourself. We can only do the best we can with what we have to work with.

I hope she figures it out before she blows it all up. Best wishes my friend!

Thanks Good. I think I finally came to the realization about a month or so ago that I can't protect her from herself. Even if everyone in the world can see the destructive path she's on, she has to do what she has to do.

If she figures it out while I still care enough for her to take her back, great. If she doesn't, she'll have to be the one to live with the decisions she's made.

We all have our limits. How much abuse are we willing to take? I am impressed you have lasted this long H4U.

I'm impressed I have lasted this long also. But everytime I reached the end of my rope something has happened that makes me think the affair is over and I just need to give her time to get through WD.

But obviously WW finding out he's a serial cheater doesn't matter to her. Him finding out she has an STD doesn't matter to him. His W finding out and forgiving him and trying to make it work doesn't matter.

It's just a cluster F and I've had enough.

hope,

I can truly see where you are at the end. Its just an unholy mess.

Sometimes i think its better when its cut and dry then this lingering sh$$. Because it just enables you to hold on a little longer only to get dissapointed again!.. I hope that this is not going to happen for you, and I hope the alien leaves her body for good!

tal

How about an update H4U?

Thanks for asking DMB. Last night WW was pulling out of the driveway when I got home from work. She was on her way to the store. When she got home she went straight upstairs to the bedroom and stayed there the whole night. Left the bedroom when I went up to bed without saying a word to me. I'm sure the email from OMW has her rattled a little.

I talked to my counselor this morning. He suggests I write WW a note telling her that I know we're both not happy, that I know we could have a great marriage where both of us are extremely happy in the future, but I can't do it myself. So if she wants to work on it, great, end it with OM and lets get to work, if not we need to separate.

He wants me to wait to tell the kids until after we get the details of the separation worked out, but I kind of think I should tell them once she says she wants to separate. Don't know what I'll do there yet. He thinks that it's entirely possible that working out the details of the separation may wake her up, but if not, then telling the kids what's going on is kind of like a last ditch effort to get her to come to her senses before an actual separation.

I asked him what my chances were of recovering our marriage and he replied that would probably depend on how I handled myself through this separation. If I do it with love and kindness, when it falls apart with OM (and he guaranteed me it would) that if remembered how I handled the separation and offered her a path home that she would probably come.

So I guess I don't get to tell her what I think. I need to write this letter in a way that shows her I know we can be great in the future while at the same time letting her know that I respect her if she feels she needs to go. Man, that's going to be hard.

I'll probably post my note either this afternoon or tomorrow morning and see if anyone has any comments.

Thanks for looking in on me.