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Hello all

Found this site just a few days ago when looking at the book DR which I am going to buy (hopefully this lunchtime from shop as don't want delivered to home).

Anyway, I'll try and be brief but outline all with where I'm at :

Me - 34
W - 34
Together 13 years
Married 7
2 Kids 6 - 3

So I've got here as my wife has told me she no longer loves me just last week, although we have had those relationship chats occasionally for most of our relationship on and off. I have just taken them as my (won't back down or say sorry for anything even when blatantly wrong) wife as a means for her to take control of a situation whereby she was probably wanting something but instead of asking, was moaning at me and therefore I would react and hence an argument. I think this is standard man woman stuff though having recently re read Venus and Mars !!!

So my wife seems totally relieved and of the opinion that I have finally accepted it's over, whereas before I would just keep trying again. My wife has said I can still live at home and we can play happy families for the kids as I've nowhere to go and I'm fine with that at the moment. She hasn't put a time on that but I'm looking for 6 months depending on how it goes before we need to decide the long term way forward.

I'm here as I'm old fashioned at heart and believe that families are happier environments and kids need both parents. There is no violence and very rarely and heated discussions or dissagreements in front of the kids, let alone any arguments.

I'm not sure what to lead onto here yet as could write war and peace for full info but beginners forum said keep short to start with. So any advice, comments, questions etc welcome and I'll take all on board.

All the best to others in this situation, the stomach pains are horrible, the thoughts horrible, but even a few days on after reading the stories on here, I'm feeling better than I was and working on me now for a bit, without neglecting my kids and household responsibilities. I've been all about my wife for a goot 11 years, so getting back some of the me. Little side note, if you've not watched You, Me and Dupree, take a look and get the NESS back in yourself.

Thanks

Arthur,

Sorry you are here I guess most of us wish we didn't need to know about this place, but it is a great refuge.

Tell us a bit more about yourself. Do you and your W still share a room? Presumably she hasn't gotten involved with anyone else?

I am a bit confused about how your W can 'let' you still live at home - how is that up to just her?????

What things do you think led to the M ending up in this place??

Look forward to hearing from you.

TY for reply.

We still share a room and same bed yes. Final we are no more was only last Thursday although W says she's told me plenty of times, though nothing really ever come of it. I felt we were moving forward after a bad Nov/Dec after a nice NYE out together and we had started having a little giggle together at home and things seemed to be moving forward.

W has said she wants to have more fun and go clubbing etc, which I always encouraged her to do, but she was always to tired. Then in Late January I woke at 5am and she had not come home, so I was worried sick. Mobile wasn't answered so I text, then tried again and she eventually rang back 10 mins later in a cab. Now that made me suspicious as did her stories so I checked her mobile in the morning and there were text from a new number, which was obviously a bloke a from the night before, so I gave her every opportunity to come clean and she didn't, but a few days later after speaking with friends and getting as much info as I could and her actions I just came clean and she had gone back with a man but no more than kissing happened as it felt weird.

Been up and down since then, but my paranoia and her lack of effort since given that we were supposed to be making and effort, make me start snooping. I then found she'd looked the guy up on computer and his GF and had his number on her phone again, under a different name. She was not happy with my snooping and doesn't seem to understand why I was doing it.

Me staying is not just her decision no, it wasn't like that. I want to be there TBH, certainly at the moment as 2 holidays coming up (which I know will be real difficult).

Silly things though, she is still wearing her wedding and engagement rings (I don't have a ring) and she has talked about be being there 'until the kids are older' which seems odd to me. Am I right to assume there must be some love still there for her to not want me out of the way ? or is it more selfish reasons from her ? (that I am being blind too)

All responses appreciated.

Oh, couldn't get book just now from shops, will have to order to my mums house as don't want W to know what I'm up to at the moment.

just adding to get near top of list as no new replies.

All advice or responses are greatly appreciated

Sorry you are here with us. Lots of great info here.

DR is the #1 tool to get your relationship back on track! Read DR and "DO NOT" let W see or read it! You need to make changes for YOU. I am no expert, but my sitch has improved since the Bomb and I am a much better person by following DR methods. "DO NOT" initiate any talk about the relationship (This sounds backwords, but it most likely will drive W away).

R2C - Thanks for comment. I'm speaking to my sister tomorrow to get book for me to her house as was not in the shops when i looked today.

Also, it seems this sort yourself out accept the sitch and just pretend your not bothered and be your partners mate is the general first step.

I have definitely been a different person to that she fell for and I'm working to get that back. She has had depression for a long time and then PND to add to it and it is hard to live with, although if I knew then what I know now about it and also where I've gone wrong in the R, I'm not sure we'd of got to this stage.

I've not given up hope yet, will read the book and we've 2 family holidays in May and June, so hopefully some progress will be mad by then.

How do other cope with that fine line though between being understanding, trying to make these changes but then being spoken to like chit, being be littled, talked down too etc at times ?

I tend to take so much then bite, but working on it

Dont give up hope!



Respond with "I understand you feel that way". Forgive alien W!(it's a choice). Do not imediately react. Timing is key for a good response- time it when she is more reseptive. (really think about your response to her. Will it draw her closer or puch her farther away). I read Mars/Venus and have used the love letter technique several times with positive results (See examples in my thread).


Good luck! Stay strong! Keep PMA!

Arthur, sorry you are here. My main question that I have for you is do you really want to work this out? If you do and I believe that to be true since you are here on the boards, I would suggest that whatever your wife has complained about your R in the past that you start making changes to those issues. She will not see them at first, it will take time and she will probably be scared to acknowledge that you are really changing or is it a put on to win her back.

You do have a plus that many on these boards do not have, you are still with W and in the house. She will be able to see these changes much clearer being there. Think this through and really try to decide what it is she is complaining about and start trying to fix that first.

Hi Arthur,

Do not leave the house if you can help it. I agreed to move out and have regretted it ever since. Patience is the best advice I can give. Practice GAL, 180s, anything you can do for yourself. Definitely read DR. I’ve only been doing this for 4 months but have come to realize that DBing is really about making things better for your self. The WAS will notice the small, incremental changes, but isn’t exactly going to give you immediate feedback or positive reinforcement. The strength will have to come from your own intestinal fortitude. It is a process. It takes time. Have patience, time is on your side. Good luck buddy, you’re in my prayers.

TY last 2 responses.

I'm really annoyed it will take 14 days for Amazon to get book to me, hopefully that is just managing my expectations. I will no doubt read it in a couple of evenings highlighting bits and go back over it again.

Yes, I do still want to save this marriage. A lot of my friends find this odd due to the way my wife is and has been, but I know the other side of her they don't see.

Had a backwards step last night and a bit this morning, little heated discussion but I think that was her being awkward due to not sleeping. She is trying to rile me into arguments and i'm finding it a bit tough at the moment. also, seeing her laughing and joking with friends on the phone is tough as it's as if nothing is wrong. It's going to be a long road.

Any ideas how we can get our S to read chapter 1 or DR ? Has anyone sent to them from here on e-mail ? The reason I say that is that it is just so good and makes you want to try so it might have the same affect on my W.