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no i have never really gone dark, maybe not talked to him for a few days but that is it.

why?

because in the Bible it says to be ye kind, forgiving one another and treating others as Christ hath treated me and also because we have kids together and i wanted him to continue to be a part of this family and also because this is his home, not just mine and the kids.

Just checking in.

Believe me when I say that while your spouses live separate from you, consider it a vacation.

We are going on week five and yes there are good and bad times but the self-esteem, bad moods, really can get to a person such as myself because I am not one who tends to be a down person.

H just drinks each night but it is heavier on weekends.

He asked me on Sunday how can I sit with him out back and not drink or have a cigarette in my hand. I told him that first of all, I do not smoke, don't like it, and I do not need those things to make me feel better about myself. I said sure, I like to drink on Friday nights and just kick back but to do that every night, no way.

I asked myself a question and don't get me wrong, my husband does have some good qualities about him but for the most part, he was always a miserable person even before the affair! So my question to myself was what makes me think he will become a happy person six months from now, a year from now? I do not think he will ever be happy. You would think he would be thankful for being able to come back to his home or be happy he is around his kids and wife. He just complains, complains, complains.

I almost cried this morning after telling him that I think there is something really wrong with one of our dogs and his response: "whatever" and he walked out the door to go to work. I said nothing.

He complains about how uncomfortable the bed is, etc.

And I was feeling guilty that I don't make enough money but when I see how much he is spending on alcohol and cigarettes each week, then I wonder why I am feeling so bad.

I feel guilty for thinking these things!!

I am posting this to give you a glimpse inside my world of having my husband home, something I prayed for, wanted and worked so hard for.

I am not saying I regret this as I am thankful to God for all He has done but this is a very hard time. And yes, there have been times when I say to myself, if he wants to me miserable, then please go back with OW and be more miserable but that would tear me and the kids up and I would not tolerate that again.

Also let me say that HE wanted to come home, HE said he came to the realization that I was the one for him and the one he ever really loved, that I was a real blessing to him...........

When he drinks, it allows him to open up and express his feelings which is something he never did and was never permitted to do while growing up.

And when he does open up, it is not really about me, it is about him.

Will he read self-help books or talk to someone? NO! He had training with mental issues while in college so there is nothing he does not already know. Would he take meds to make him feel better? Nope.

OUr anniversary is next week and I usually make us a nice dinner but this year, I am thinking of being still and doing nothing. That would be really hard for me to do but I just might do it, not sure yet.

I am sure whatever is eating at him he will get over.

He no longer keeps his cell phone with him as it is always turned off and on the shelf now. He used to keep it with him and talk to OW.

I know this is a very hard time for him but it is really hard on the LBS, esp. one like me who is always (most of the time) upbeat!

((( sf )))

I'm sorry that what you wished for so much, is so hard now, and brings more pain.

No matter how much you know how hard it will be, it's still painful when you go through it.

I'm likely pointing out the obvious, but it seems he's using alcohol to self-medicate something, and drinking to cope, each day, and other factors is alcoholism.

Again, he needs to want help and something better for him.

I'm only saying this so you keep that in mind. So you remember that it's not the lumpy bed, it's not that you don't make enough money, it's not that you're not joining him with a drink and cig, it's not that anniversary dinner isn't fab, or the OW is better, or that you're not good enough to keep him home. It's NONE of those things. It's the simple little drink he always has in his hand that is covering up so much more.

I also respect you so much for telling us here what's really going on at home, the reality, and how you're feeling about it - the ups and the downs. It paints a realistic, honest picture of what reconciliation is, it makes you and your H real.

Yes, I always knew that the alcohol was a form of self-medicating and I fully expected it. Funny thing is he can stop drinking stone cold if he wants to. He has done it before several times.

To be perfectly honest, I would rather have him do this then go out and be with OW or another woman.

Also, he is one who loves to punish himself because he feels he is not good enough, feels that at times, God would never forgive him even though he knows that is not true.

The guilt is so overwhelming which is something we have to remember as well.

(((SF)))



I've been following your story with great interest, even though I don't post much anymore.

I'm sorry it is still so very difficult for you. LIke always14, IMO he is self-medicating depression. What you just posted is consistent, based on all the readings of done in connection with my own depression. Just suggesting, apparently alcohol use goes up in male depressive episodes as well. Sigh.

I admire your seeming calm and your faith. What else can you do for right now but live your life as healthily as you can for awhile. Your posts elsewhere on boundaries really struck me as spot on for now in your sitch; he seems way too depressed to even be capable of responding to a boundary. AGain JMO of course.

Good luck, your situation is in many ways still so hopeful.

Hugs,
AH

SF - You might try reading Terrence Real's "I Don't Want to Talk About It". It's a very good book about male depression

or "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield - The cover says "The impact of depression on couples and what you can do to preserve the bond"

or

"How You Can Survive When They're Depressed - Living and Coping with Depression Fallout" also by Anne Sheffield.

I found these to be helpful to me. Especially helped me gain some perspective on depression that allowed me to be more patient and understanding.

Prayers are with you.

BFM

ETA - Anne Sheffield also has a website about depression fallout. I won't post the link since it's probably forbidden to do so here, but it is easy to find if you google depression fallout.

Steelie,

I browsed a book last night that makes me think of your H.
Titled something like Men who Can't Love and what smart women can do about it.

It was talking about mostly about dating situations and men who are commitmentphobic. If you get this kind of thing, they tell you to walk out, and leave them alone. THe reason for this is that by leaving you allow him to miss you, and question his decision. By leaving you allow him to remember the good times and miss them.
By compromising for him to say, and meeting his every need they feel like they are sufficating, and need to run.....

sound familiar?

So yes, he is gonna find fault with everything. He is miserable.
He will not care about the dog. He will not like the bed.
But these are words, not actions.

Do I think you should go dark? No. Not even close.
Just don't take his words personally.
You are already "playing" it right. Leaving him alone,and trusting the process.
If you had been told that this was going to happen,we might even see it as progress? See, he has to go through this part. You can't have any of the answers, but you do have feelings and worries. Write those down. And keep them private.
Before the dawn it is the darkest. Rollercoasters, up, and then down. The ride evens out. Itjust doesn't feel like that when you are experiencing them.


You are doing the best thing for him, a very good balance of love and biting your tongue. Now do something for you and think about stress relief.

I suggest exercise. Walking preferably......

I like the stress relief idea....the walking. Why not go for a walk when he's out on the porch. Just a quick 15-20 minutes will do wonders. The weather is certainly getting nicer in the southwest!

Me too, because the focus stays on you! Now I suck in taking this kind of advice, but I still know it is good!

Hugs,
AH