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Snodderly

The first time H put the house on market I told my H that if I leave this home, the next one I have will be for me and the kids and his days of popping in and out will end. He then had the nerve to say that he will help me find a new home. I turned him down flat. This was last year. It still stands.

I still have not signed the papers yet, but if this house sells, H will have no control over my next home (he pays the mortgage right now on this home) .....so he will not have the access as he has now.

He will also have his own place as he is planning on using the money from the house to start over and move on (so he said). Therefore, he may not want to come by like he has been because he will finally be free. What he wants. He can finish the D and be with MOW.....ugh!

When I think about this...it really makes it easier to be dim because it brings anger. I don't want to be angry though. It makes me sad to be distant from him. I just don't know.

Anyway, as for talking to him, tried that a while back. There is no talking to him. I truly think he is gone for good. He just doesn't want anyone to be mad at him for what he is doing.

I do think he uses d13 as an excuse to come over but I just don't know why, if he truly missed his life with us, why doesn't he do something about this. Why is he still with MOW and not working to fix our family. I wonder if it is too hard to come home. Too much work.

Anyway, Snodderly, if he ends this marriage that is it for he and I. I will not be there for him like I am. I will not be picking up his medicine, taking him to get his car, nothing. I will be done.

It will be 2 years next week since H walked out the door in the middle of the night and he shows no sign of turning around. I hope my insurance company is paying his counselor well. The guy deserves it. My h is all messed up!

Breton, you are right. Phone calls have to stop. I am so glad that I left my phone in the kitchen last night.

A

A,
I wanted you to think about what's been transpiring in the last two years and if you think about it, he has remained "stuck" since he walked out the door. You've grown so much and are very independent. Your h is still right where he was and he remains very "needy". Needy to hear your voice, needy to know that mom is still on the sidelines waiting for him to finish up his identity search and yes, needy to know that no matter what happens, you'll be there to stroke his ego along the way. I honestly do not think he's really given any thought as to how things will be if the two of you go your separate ways.

A, they talk about needing their freedom, a new life, etc., but what it boils down to--the grass looks greener on the other side. Once they've jumped the fence and screwed up the yard they were playing in, they'll realize the new yard isn't what it should be. A lot of people are like that and when they cross over, it's not long before they realize what a mess they've made. The question is always this--will they be grown up enough to acknowledge what they've done and make amends? No one can tell us until he's sampled the "greener" grass.

I can understand your anger, because of what he's done and continues to do. The anger will help to keep you dim, but do not allow the anger to consume your life. You've been very good about venting here and that's where you should bring your anger when it hits--right here. If you have something at home that really needs doing and you've put it off, now is a good time to vent that anger at that project. A, everything will work out for you and the children. It might not be the way you had hoped your life would be, but you are going to be fine. I'm still praying that he'll see the light and grow up.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks Snodderly:

Just journaling….not analyzing but its hard not to.

Yesterday d13 called after school. She had softball practice and H was there to take her.
I asked where he was and she said he was in the car waiting for her because he was mad that she yelled at the dog. He was going to wait in the car until it was time to go (45 minutes). She said he was in a bad mood. Whatever.

Anyway, I leave work and on my way home I see h pulling up our street. I know both kids are not home, so I decide that I am not going there either. I was worried about the mood d13 said he was in and I thought he may confront me about the house and I really didn’t want to deal with it.

So, off I went to my dads to hang for a bit and while I am there H calls asking where I am and what I am doing and if I would be home soon because he has a check for me for a sweatshirt d13 is ordering for softball. We talk for a bit. He asks about s16’s grades (honor roll) and we have a decent discussion. Mostly small talk. He told me how boring his day was.

He then asked what we were doing for dinner and I told him that I had forgotten to take something out and would probably be doing soup and sandwiches. He then asked if he could buy us dinner. I told him I would check with the kids to see what they wanted.

I drive home and H is in his car in the driveway. He hands me the check and I think he is leaving and he comes in. He asks again about dinner and when d13 calls him for a ride home from practice he asks her what she wants. So, I go pick up the kids from their activities and H picks up food for them.

When he gets back he asks what I want. He said he was in the mood for Mexican or Indian and I told him whatever he wants to pick up is fine. He said “I thought we would go out if that’s okay for you.” I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say or think or do.
This isn’t dim. This is crazy. I am a dimwit…I said ok. Although in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but wonder what he wanted. Did he want to take me out to talk about selling the house? Did he want to go out and butter me up so that I am his buddy again? What does he want from me?

Anyway, we went to a Mexican place we had never been to. It was cute. Mariachi band and all. We talked small talk and nothing else. I did catch him staring at me a few times and I don’t know why. We talked a lot about the restaurant he works at. He kept saying to me “you would love this dish….” He also said that my dad should go to the restaurant. They make one of his favorite dishes. He kept saying this. Weird since he avoids my dad like the plague.

After dinner he suggested we stop and pick up ice cream for the kids. We did. When we got home, I went into my room to change and watch the ballgame and I thought that I would remove myself from the living room so he could spend time with d13. Who comes in to be with me….h. Whatever. He stayed for a while and I was getting tired and he left. I haven’t heard from him since.

Trying so not to read anything into this. Trying not to think at all about it. Just thought I would journal since my peaks and valleys on this trip are so extreme.
Snodderly, back to dim or what? I just don’t know. This man has me so confused. I worry that he is manipulating me…I worry that I am too cynical. I know I need to refocus on the kids….and myself. Just wondering what you think of this.

A friend of mine thought that maybe at his Counseling session yesterday perhaps his counselor encouraged him to spend this time with me. I am more cynical and think he is angling for something.

Oh well, spent too much time already on this. I really did enjoy the evening with H. I just know that it was a fluke and I need keep expectations at below zero.

A

Hmmmm...other than me calling H yesterday about a giving d13's friend a ride to practice, haven't heard from him since he left monday......

I know, don't analize, but hmmmm

A

Let it be for now. Trust me, he will contact you again soon. Just enjoy the time you have w/o his calls and his drop ins for now. You need a "me" break too.

Enjoy the beautiful weather and the weekend is upon us. Spend some time doing something for yourself.

AJF,




I know that you have Snodderly keeping up with you and encouraging you.

I just wanted to offer that, you can control those peaks and valleys, by keeping your expectations as low as you possibly can. Basically the higher the expectation you get, the farther you fall if it is not meet.

Enjoy the moment, but don't expect it.

And listen to Snodderly, she is amazing.

Thanks Snodderly and Jack:

Theme of the day is setting expectations at zero after yesterday.

Journaling:

H called me early yesterday. Around 9 a.m. He sounded down and his voice was cracking. He asked how my evening was and I told him and I asked how his was and he replied awful. I asked if something bad happened at work and he replied no it was just an awful evening.

We then got to talking and he asked once again how I could still want him or love him. I replied that love is unconditional and forgiveness is a gift, so that is how I try to lead my life…especially where he is concerned.

He asked why I don’t call him or why I didn’t pay much attention to him at d13’s game Saturday and I told him that I wanted him to be happy and that if letting him go was going to make him happy, that is what I was doing. I told him his happiness is important to me and he asked if I thought he was happy. I told him I hoped he was and he replied he was not. He has nothing.

I said he has 2 women who love and care about him….he replied no he does not. I asked him to explain and he said that she (MOW) doesn’t love him. She doesn’t care about him…..

So, anyway, H kept saying how messed up he is. Cried that he lost his boy, s16. Was really down. I finally told h before we hung up that I missed him. He said he missed me to. I replied I know you miss the kids and he said…no I miss you.

Anyway, H came by for a little while in the afternoon. He had to work, last night, so he didn’t stay long. He sat on the couch and cried and when I asked if he was ok he said no.
I gave him a hug and he hugged me back so hard. He then slept for a bit and when he woke up to go to work he said he didn’t want to go to work…he didn’t want to leave.

Last night around 11 h tm’d me. Said he was driving. He asked if he could stop and I told him yes. He then said he was sorry. I tm’d him asking for what. He said…for being such an ass.

He came in and lay down with me. I could tell he was drinking. I don’t think he was drunk, but I am not sure. We fell asleep until the morning. After I got back from taking d13 to the bus and before s16 woke up, h got up and came out of the bedroom. He was crying. I asked if he was ok…and he said “I am just really messed up.” He is working tonight…so I am not sure when I will see him. I think he went back to his parents’ house to sleep.

One final thing, although I am forgetting a bunch, H had this cluster of objects dangling from his rear view mirror. I know that it was from MOW. This morning I saw it on the floor in his car.

So expectations are at 0. For all I know he could have kissed and made up with MOW.
I pray he has an appointment with his C today…but I am not sure since has to work.

That’s all folks……..Snodderly, Jack….anyone, please keep me grounded.

M

Just journaling:

H tm's me last night. It was early...he said he was thinking of me and hoped I had a good night. He apologized for being such a wreck and such a wretch.

We tm'd back and forth for a while (until he fell asleep). He saw a commercial on tv that was made at a place that we both fell in love with when we went prior to being married. He reminisced about the memories we had there. H said he would love to take the kids there.

Not sure what is going on in his head. I am trying to lay back and let him be. I figure if he wants to talk to me he will. I don't want to push him. I am not sure where his head or his heart is.

I was trying to remember more of our conversation on sunday. It was surreal. I try hard to put it out of my mind because you never know....he and MOW could kiss and make up at any time.

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out.

Mopsey

A,
You give the mow way too much power over your though processes. You are "assuming" that they are still romantically linked. That may not be the case, so snap that rubberband every time you think of her.

It's good to see he's talking to you about a place that you've been before. It do find it interesting that he mentioned it since it's pre-marriage, but yet, I'm not surprised--it's part of his history and he's revisiting those memories.

Keep a journal if it will help you to follow your progress.

Keep a journal if it will help you to follow your progress


Thanks Snodderly....

Not sure if I am making progress......

H called yesterday. Said he spent the day walking. He said he was alone. Whatever. He was a little snippy and first then called back to ask about our garage door. We have a keypad on it and it hasn't worked on over a year. He must have just noticed and said he would ask his dad (who can fix anything) about how to fix it.

I am so trying to not let my thoughts drift past the day, the moment,because I have been burned so many times before. I do have to say that at one point the other day my h said he is so confused. He doesn't know which way to turn.

Anyway....just keeping myself busy with the kids and work. Going to a swanky black tie event on Sat. for work....should be fun.

A