Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Worried I found DB too late #2

Morning CW68

H

Ringing the doorbell may be a good sign that he is "finally" respecting your earlier wishes and feels confident in doing so with out critical reprise.
As far as the other stuff, I would not sweat it. Sometimes we are all a little off. I am right now for sure with the massive stress that I am under at work. W has even commented a little that I have been very grumpy lately....

Maybe if I could get my darn TV fixed and watch some baseball I would be a little more calm....

At least ringing the doorbell didn't bother me, I just expected something to shift after ML and little things did, but nothing big.

He came by this morning to see the kids before school. We talked about a few things, slightly R, but not really. I asked him if his therapist (he had a session yesterday or the day before) had any good suggestions that might work for me and he said no. He was talking about his sessions being private, his own time, to which I validated and encouraged him on it, but if there were any skills he thought would be good for me that I was willing to hear his suggestions. Also asked him if he was thinking about MC for us at all and he also said no. I asked if he was categorically off of the MC idea since it made things worse before or if it just wasn't the right time and he said he doesn't like the idea of MC. Again, I validated because MC wasn't good for us before. Then I asked him if he thought maybe Retro would be good for us and he said that's more feasible, but not right now. I completely validated and agreed with that and mentioned that there was one in our area in July. Far enough away not to be scary, but I did want to put that out there because at some point I'm going to need to do something for me. He said that was something to think about, a maybe. Not a dismissive maybe. I think that in a few weeks I'm going to bring up putting a deposit down for it. I ended the conversation with that I'm not trying to force anything, but rather just communicate things because we need to work on our communication and sharing feelings. I reiterated that I wasn't doing anything but share, that's it.

We hugged and kissed goodbye and I got a pretty good vibe considering my H is confrontation-phobic. At some point this morning I shared the "silent-but-deadly" theory and he laughed.

Good response from H today via email:

"I do feel that in many areas we have an open dialogue. We have gotten better at talking about things like finances and the house and I think we continue to be good at being on the same page about the kids.

Obviously in other areas, I’m not there or willing to open up and I appreciate your recognition of that.

Although things between us are in flux, from what I can tell you seem to be personally happy and at peace, I commented on this to my therapist, I’m really glad for you and I think this has had a very positive impact on our relationship."

Nice email! Honest and many good vibes!

Jen

Great response on Retrouvaille! Not a no is a really good response. If you need any info on Retrouvaille, just ask me. It was the best thing my husband and I ever did together. (If you don't count raising 3 children to adulthood.)

I am in awe, CW. I would give ANYTHING right now to feel at peace. Keep it up!

Me thinks you have come so far in just a few weeks. I am absolutely convinced that changing your approach is critical to your sitch!!!!

I went back through some of your posts today and am amazed at the difference in your verbiage and attitude! Early on you seemed so dedicated to the thoughts that H was the key to all of your change, and through some perspective it seems as though you now feel that your attitude and approach can influence him.

I am so excited for you... maybe time to get busy again! LOL.

I have come a long way. While I'm not exactly at peace with the situation, I have accepted it and am glad that I found DR and this site. Seriously, all of you here have helped me tremendously. Without coming here and reading Michelle's books, I would not be where I am at right now.

Where am I at? I'm as comfortable as I can get given my sitch. I still cry everyday, but only let it take a hold of me for a minute or two and then I think STOP SIGN! I am sad, it's OK to be sad but I cannot let my sadness rule me. I am worthy, I am working towards something worthy and I know that in my heart of hearts we have what it takes to be good together. That's different than knowing we are going to be good together and I know that.

The other day I came to the realization that I was hanging out waiting for my H to verbalize that he was willing to, and in a perfect world wanted to, make us work. H couldn't/can't say that but his actions are just that.

There's still a long road ahead and I still think it's an uphill path, but I have to try. i get more confident everyday.

Regarding my H's email, I responded: "I’m good with flux. Definitely don’t want what we used to have, what we used to be! Thank you specifically, btw, for opening up our finances to me. This was an area in which I used to feel quite uncomfortable approaching you about and I don’t feel that way any longer. This has really contributed towards me feeling more like an equal partner to you as where before I didn’t." I wanted to give him kudos for something he's made big strides in and it also explains part of the reason I was so critical and controlling before. I realize that I didn't feel equal so I tried to grab my portion and that's not right.

Lastly, he responded: "On the finance thing, that’s great, I’m glad we have both made strides! By the way, I just invested 10K in InsWeb. Just joking, april fizzole. Gotta run, trying (failing at the moment) to focus in on a white paper... "

As sad as I am that my husband doesn't want to live with me and that I wake up every morning alone, it could be worse. He||, it might be worse, I need to shore myself up regardless.