Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Every direction leads me away

Just a quick update for you all. My atty appointment is scheduled for today. I am still going. Not to file, but to get the process started.

My W came to me and told me it is over with him. We wrote him a no contact letter. She has agreed to never have contact with him again. She agrees to go to counseling. She agrees to transparency.

So, was it just reality setting in for her? Was she just scared? I think so.

All I have wanted this whole time was a fair chance to work on the issues of our marriage. Now it appears I will get that chance but................

....now I am not sure if I want it.

My love for her is almost gone. I didn't get any 'ILY', 'I am sorries', or anything like that.

I got compliance, not a committment.

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. All along I thought there would be an "ah-ha!" moment where she wakes up, and comes back and tells me what a great person I am, how she is so sorry, etc. I got none of that.

So, I suppose I need to continue to swallow my pride and let her 'get over' her man and just wait until she is really READY to come back to the marriage for the sake of commitment.

This is new territory for me...

Doing,
As someone who is still with their WAS after an A, I can relate to everything you said. My H's A has been over for a few months but I never got the "I'm so sorry", etc. either. Is that just a fairy tale ending we expect from too many movies? Part of me thinks that, but another part of me thinks being able to say I'm sorry is important, no matter what you're apologizing for, you know?

I say give it -- and you -- some time, lots of time. Reconciliation is tough work. It won't happen over night. You need to heal. She needs to heal (and get over OM). The relationship needs to heal. You have to get past anger, mistrust, guilt, etc.

Don't stop the R talks (assuming you are talking with her). Communication is critical right now. Have you thought about or are you doing counseling?

Joie

Thanks JDV. Yes, counseling is on the table. We haven't started yet, but the desire is there for both of us. One of the positive things she did say was that she is ready to get to counseling ASAP and move past this chapter in her/our life.

Is she really READY for counseling??...now that is another question altogether. Can she really be ready to heal with me when she is not even past her withdrawal of OM??

Hello,

I have been following your sitch and would like to offer my .02...

My H was in his apt when he called it off with the ow - the second time - 12 days after moving into this apt (Mar 2007). The OW started contact once again 3 weeks before he was going to move back home. He flipped back to ow until the end of June and then moved home July 1 - we were doing very very well, bought a boat and was planning on many family outings. At the time I did not know that OW once again contacted H on his bday Sept 2007 and he seemed to be drifitng away once again. We both agreed to Retrouvaille - though I knew nothing of his phone conversations with OW. He just could not let her go - he even filed for D thinking this was going to finally make him happy and a two weeks after filing he told me I needed to go and get the papers - but then the next day he said he still was not sure --he was still not happy.

It turns out (he told me weeks later) that OW wigged out on him and blamed him for ruining her & her kids lives and that he was a monster....

I guess my point is the WAS has to get the OW out of their system before they can really begin working on the M. My H now admits it was the biggest mistake and he apologizes all the time - it's amazing how close we came to ending it all. We still struggle with things and he talks about all the stupid stuff he did but these admissions did not come over night. They need time to come out of the fog some more than others. I got my first ILY on Christmas day - first one in over 18 mos - and we have been growing stronger each day. Now granted OW stopped harrassing us 1/3/08 - but now it turns out my H will be coaching her 4th grader in flag football starting next week - this will be a big test for him. I have no doubts he is over her - but the fears want to creep out.

Sorry for such a long post - just remember it took a long time for your M to end up where it is at and it will take just as long to get in back on solid ground. August will be the 2 year anniversary for my first bomb - and we are still healing. Patience is key...

You are strong and will know what you can handle and how badly you want your M to work. At least you can always say you exhausted all efforts in giving it your best shot. This is a lot more than most people can say...

HB (not so much anymore)

N,

I can only add to what others have said here. You may or may not get the apology that you're looking for, but you almost CERTAINLY won't get it now, and even if you get it (as I did from my wife, as you know), it isn't really sincere at this very early stage. At this point, as awful as it sounds, your wife actually RESENTS YOU -- resents you for "ruining her affair."

I know, sick, ain't it??

Your recovery will come in fits and starts. Hard withdrawal usually doesn't kick in until the 2nd of 3rd day, so prepare yourself for it -- today may be VERY good, as the sheer relief of having this off of both of your shoulders sets in, especially for her.

But if she has never even gone more than a day or two without contacting OM in almost two years, then HARD WITHDRAWAL is going to set in, and it's going to last a few weeks. Prepare for it. Know your boundaries (ex: it's okay to hurt, but not okay to vocalize that she misses him in front of you). Hug her and say short things like "I'm sorry to see you in this pain," but maybe only after she's cried alone on her bed for a good hour.

You need to just focus on THIS stage right now, and let the past -- and the future -- sit for itself at the moment.

You know we're all here for you. Ya done good.

P

Doing - it took me a year to get a REAL sorry. I had a few along the way that he thought were genuine, but the one that was the REAL one for me was when he told me, completely unprompted, that OW WAS a skank and he felt really bad for what had happened; that he could see he had never loved her but had lusted and that she had been deceitful and manipulative.

That was a GOOD day!!!

All I wanted from WW was a chance to save the marriage. Now I have it... and it feels...... STRANGE!

As the hours roll by today, I am feeling better about not getting the run-back-into-my-arms 'Hollywood' movie apology. I see it is going to be a long long road to recovery, if it happens at all.

I am at 12 hours of no contact. I probably 8748 hours away from ANYTHING great happening in my R. (That is 1 year, less the 12 hours of NC I have already banked today )

You know, one spends so long fighting to get the chance to save the M that it's strange when you have to move onto the next phase.

Glad to see you are being realistic

DMB --



We focus so much on trying to get to that point, spend so much effort acting 'as-if', and suppress a lot of raw emotion...it makes a lot of sense that it would seem surreal when it actually happens! Almost a "be careful what you wish for" moment.

Looks like you have the right perspective that this is just the beginning of a loooong road.

Nonetheless, I am happy for you for the potential for getting what you've wished for...

L2

Just wanted to update.

It seems my W is having a hard time letting the thought of no-contact-with-OM into her head and heart. While on vacation this past week, I snooped and discovered she had not thrown away her secret affair cell phone like she said. She had brought it on our family vacation, and had it hidden in her bag. UGH.

So, I confronted her on it. Told her this is her one and only strike she will get. From here on out, one more lie, foul up, contact, etc. means we are heading the legal route. Who knows if she really *gets* that.

After the 'discussion' about the phone, I asked her to leave the vacation, and she did. it broke my little D7's heart. She didn't understand. Of course we didn't tell her WHY her mommy had to leave. Maybe, just maybe it was a wakeup call for WW. Seeing her little girl crying was just the tip of the emotional iceberg she is going to encounter if we get a D. Unfortunately, I am not hopeful that someone as selfish as my WW will be woken up from that, or anything at all.

She swears she has had not contact. She was just couldn't bear to get rid of the phone. From my sources of info, I *think* I believe her about the no contact thing, but, there is doubt......



We have our first MC session this week. I have no idea what to expect. I know NOT to expect miracles, or something to happen overnight.