Well W comes home later, seems happy now. She's making dinner and dancing around listening to her phone/mp3 player. She pauses a moment and thanks me for buying it for her for christmas. Ok, fine.
Couple hours later, she's had a small glass of wine. Tells D12 to clean up her room. D12 is suddenly 'not feeling well'. W is pushy, bossy, whatever. W comes and tells me that D12 hasn't read her book for book report and OMG, it's due in 3 days!
Then she tells me that D12 hasn't unpacked her clothes from the friday night campout, and she hasn't washed her gym clothes so they've been sitting in her room all week. I guess that I didn't check up on all these things the past week. Probably means I'll be a bad 'single dad' when she really moves out Hey, it's spring break can't the kid have a break?
I am starting to wonder if D12 being 'sick' has anything to do with W interacting with her. She was GREAT all week while W wasn't around.
Well, now W is in her room talking to someone on the phone. When I went in to ask her about D12, and was there any other school related stuff I should have known about she was pissy and said 'how should I know?' Guess she should go hang out with those 'happy people'.
Yeah, I have an attitude. I'm so tired of being the one to blame for everything. Right now I'm not DOING anything. I don't give her crap, I am pretty mellow, no problems. No negativity, and actually I'm trying to be more 'up' when I talk to her.
She put D12's ADD medicine on top of some crystal rock now. Probably calcite.
I guess spending TIME with D12, or maybe not breaking up her family, or supporting them instead of being reckless is not an option. Better to pray and use crystals. I wonder when she's going to have D12 sleep with a rock under her pillow?
D12 is home sick today. All last week she was fine during spring break. W was home last evening and got on D12 for not cleaning her room, not doing her laundry, not reading her book for her book report, etc, etc.
As far as myself, I am struggling with the idea of "handing it over to God, handing her over to God." Not sure how it's done, but I am trying.
Mostly you just get tired, Frank. Sick and tired. And you finally realize that no matter how many rocks you turn over, whatever's underneath them still won't change a thing.
You just have to get sick and tired basically of believing that YOU can change this in ANY way...only then will you really leave your family in His hands.
Mostly you just get tired, Frank. Sick and tired. And you finally realize that no matter how many rocks you turn over, whatever's underneath them still won't change a thing.
You just have to get sick and tired basically of believing that YOU can change this in ANY way...only then will you really leave your family in His hands.
Frank, God doesn't mind if you exhaust yourself in these futile efforts. Because eventually you'll be flat on your back with nowhere left to look but UP!
As we have discussed, trusting and "handing it over" to God is a life-long process.
It's not easy. I struggle with this daily.
Here's how you can start. Begin from the very beginning.
I think, Frank, you need to get out of your house for about 3 hours by yourself, when the girls are in school. Find a place where you can be alone. God is everyhwere, but sometimes, a specific location can seem more numinous. Try a Catholic Church since they are usually open and quiet during the day. Maybe try a mountain.
Sit, try kneeling if you can handle it.
Acknowledge God's presence.
Hold you hands out and tell God you are handing him your 2 daughters and your wife. Name them.
Then tell God you are trusting him with your own life.
Let him you are at your wit's end.
Admit you can't fix it.
Ask for his forgivness for all the ways you honestly believed you have hurt yourself, your wife and your daughters.
Someone has taken the hit in your place -- Jesus. Whatever justice that should have been dealt to you because of all the crap you caused was absorbed by him. And in return, he offers you his forgiveness and his abundant life. We're not talking God's love in the abstract or airy-fairy forgiveness. We are talking atonement. We are talking about a mercy that does not overlook justice.
Sit with that thought. Accept it, embrace it. Pour out your pain, remorse and brokenness on Jesus. He can take it. He can swallow whatever death and darkness you deal to him. He counters your crap with his love. His resources are eternal. His grace will overwhelm you like a tidal wave. He doesn't quit on us.
Then remind him that you are entrusting yourself and your family to him. Tell him you would like your wife to turn around. Tell him will be deeply sad if your wife leaves, but you are willing to begin to really live for yourself and for your girls. And of course, you are going to live for Him.
frank_d, I second what theoden and amyC have said to you. You have got to find a way to give your m to God. Trust HIM and know that whatever happens is HIS will. HE may not answer your prayers the way YOU want HIM to; but, HE will answer them in the way that is BEST for YOU! HE knows what you are thinking and feeling; but, right now, HE is wanting you to turn to HIM...to trust HIM. I know it is not easy; but, oh, the blessings you will receive!
I did go to a local church. Spent about an hour alone and asked for forgiveness for my mistakes. Asked for help for myself and my family. It's the first time I've cried in weeks. I feel a lot better. Like a miracle is coming soon. I hope God will help each of us.
I filled out a prayer request also. Maybe someone will read it.
