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SF - I have kept up with your thread for quite some time. Your patience, understanding, faith and grace remind me much of BFM. It is obvious you are a strong and remarkable woman.

The following hit me like a train -
As we all know, there is not a one size fits all approach to any of this, but...

I could not disagree more with the above statement. I have not had ANY contact with OW for 4 months. That is the ONLY way I can move on and focus on restoring my relationship with BFM. To do otherwise (i.e., get contacting OW out of my system) would continue the pain of having an adulterous affair and, in effect, would be continuing the affair itself.

No contact means NO CONTACT. Period. There is nothing innocent about texts, phone calls, etc. It is a continuation of the sin. I highly recommend reading (you and your H) 'The Dance of Restoration' if you have not already. It spoke volumes to me about the importance of breaking all types of contact.

Your H lost his right to grieve the lost relationship with the OW when he built that very relationship on lies and unfaithfulness.

Take care. Thinking of you.

FW

This is a tough one SF. It may be something that I face eventually. I know my W is a tm-aholic.

I will say that you have some excellent things going for you in this situation. He is feeling convicted when he reads the bible. Do not beat him over the head with it. It is a tool of love, not a weapon. It can free him of his addiction to the OW.

I have read numerous posts that this is normal in piecing. The OW can be so tempting. Especially without something to take its place. I have read that it can take a long time to be free of the OP but in time it can happen. I am not an expert in piecing. I have never done it before. But I will say that your love and forgiveness helped to bring him home. Some men may be able to be told "NO" to any contact and be able to do it but some may not be as strong. He may need a replacement that is positive.

If he admits he is challenged with staying away from the OW, do you think he would be open to making a male friend that is grounded in the bible? Someone he would respect and trust? I have someone that I can tell the worst possible thing to and he will not make me feel like scum but he does not accept doing wrong as an excuse either.

I do not believe your sitch is bad at all. It could become bad depending upon how safe he feels; how secure it is to be home.

SF, I can completely relate to how hurtful it is to see him tm the OW. You are there, he admits he knows what is right but he keeps doing these things. Focus on the fact he has come home and he wants this to work. His addiction can be overcome.

A short story that may help. My mentor that I mentioned above had witnessed to an acquaintance of his that was a serious drug abuser and briefly went to prison. My friend never gave up on this person, talking to him about how he can be forgiven if he is willing to let God come into his life. This man could not understand how he could be forgiven and be free of drugs and the terrible life he was leading. About 2 1/2 months ago, he asked my friend to help him move to an apartment that would be sub leased to him. My friend said he would help him move there.

During the move, the man, still on drugs, said he wanted to change and have the Lord be master of his life. The man made the decision and became free of the addiction. HE STOPPED COLD TURKEY!! He never experienced withdrawals which is considered almost impossible. He replaced his addiction to drugs with an insatiable desire to learn about God and read the bible.

I received an update today that he has a steady job (for the first time in his life), an apartment that he may end up getting a 1 year lease on, friends that are not drug dealers and such, and a relationship with God.

Your H, SF, is no different that this man. He is no different than me or anyone else on this board. He simply needs to know that ALL can be forgiven and he can know he is clean and he can have his family.

With your permission, I would like to pray for your husband and you.

FW,

I agree there is no one size fits all solutions for everyone. And I am glad that you were able to cut off all contact with your OW. My H had a much more difficult time with that.

Why?

Because he worked with her. She was his employee. They sat next to each other at work, for another several months before he finally transferred to a different department.

Some people here equate the OP to an addiction. And depending on the personality, it's easier for one person to kick the OP addiction than another. While I make no excuses for my H and his actions, I knew about every single one of his text messages. I knew what each one said, because after he came home he showed them to me. And she would always initiate contact, never him.

I do think for some people it is something that needs to worked out of their systems. To break clean after such supposed intense (be it sinful) relationship and investment of emotion, is difficult. And sometimes the OP doesn't want to sever ties so easily. My H's OW didn't understand the meaning of go away. I finally told my H after the last one....if she doesn't understand the meaning of go away. I will call her myself and tell her.

They stopped.

My H has an addictive personality. He needed a replacement for his energy. He found it, eventually. Me and our family. The text messaging stopped.

I sincerely applaud you on you and BFM restoring your M. Piecing is difficult. Each to their own.

SF, you be still. You do what you need to do. If you feel this is okay with you.....then do it. It seems your H is walking on thin ice, and needs to be handled with kid gloves from time to time, but I think deep down inside...he knows what he needs to do. I believe in you.

RU

SF,
Your faith in God will see you and your h through this. Not every person that comes home can go cold turkey w/getting the OP, drug, alcohol out of their systems. It takes time. He's only been home a month and look how long the addiction was. I have faith in you, your h and in God that he will oversee this situation and help him to finally let go of the contact w/her and also find a solution to his alcohol consumption. Right now, he's still very fragile and feels he needs these crutches to see him through. In time, this will change as he begins to feel more confident in himself and in the home situation.

I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

There is a reason why everyone likes Snodderly to post to them, she is so da mn comforting, true, honest and caring.

I think she is right, I also think that if it bothers you, it is ok to mention it, but do not harp, and not every day or every week, but every now and then. I think a reminder that you ARE paying attention is a good thing. But that is my experience.

I had a long and frank talk with him and he admitted that she had been calling him and he did talk to her a few times.

I told him that I could not go thru his leaving me and the kids again, that it was way too painful, etc. He said he could not go thru that again either.

I asked him if he had seen her and he said no, and I asked if he was given the opportunity, would he start the affair with her again and he said no, he would not step outside the marriage again.

He said this is a very painful process and said she was also hurt by it. I bit my tongue as long as I could and told him that he makes her out to be the biggest victim of all and I told him the biggest victims were the kids and myself.

He was very understanding, discussed how he was grieving, and he spoke much of the Bible.

In all, it turned out pretty good and he felt good that we talked, again.

Oh, I also told him that it was ok to grieve but I do want to know when it is he is in contact with her. He said okay, and told me what she had called him about, that sort of thing.

hey sweets - just thinking of you and how strong you are !

Your faith in God amazes me ! HE will see you through I'm sure !

Take care xxxx

SF I HOPE YOU HAVE BETTER LUCK THAN ME...I DID ALL THAT WHEN HE FIRST CAME HOME..HE PROMISED ALL THOSE THINGS WITH ALL THOSE EXACT WORDS..A FEW CALLS TRANS LATE INTO DAILY CONTACT....

Praying for you both !