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Hey, Jenny. I hope you are doing well and had a great Easter. Sounds to me like your H is getting pretty upset that things are going to go his way. Well, too bad. He certainly doesn't think about making sure things go YOUR way. 60/40 is ridiculously too much for a 6 month old. And, who is HE to tell you to go back to work? Live for yourself and your children. YOU will do what is right because YOU are the sane one right now. It is amazing to me that you H seems so cold to you after all these years together. I can't imagine that he is a happy person. Really, I can't. I say do what you need to do, blow him off and live your life. What happens in the future will happen. As long as you remain kind and calm and not vindictive, you can't go wrong IMO. Hang in there.

This is exactly what makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It's like he doesn't see me at all. It is quite a blow to see someone who used to be so caring and loving to me turn into someone who looks at with me such disdain. I really just don't get it and I probably never will.

Well, H is coming over to pick up S early today so he and I can talk and hopefully come to some resolution.
One of my very best friends is coming over this morning to talk to me, I need his shoulder right now.
A brief recap of our history...
Let's call him JB...I've know JB for 20+ years, since grade 7.
We've been through a LOT together and I met H through his little brother. JB's little brother...RB, is H's best friend (was best man at our wedding). JB was also a groomsmen. JB's wife "LB" and I grew closer and closer and have been best friends for many years now too. She was my maid of honour.
JB & LB have 2 children exactly the same age as mine (a 2 yr old born 2 weeks before D and a 6 month old).
I want his opinion both as my best friend, but also as a Dad of kids the same age. He is still friends with H...sort of. They're more like aquaintances now as H pushed him away over the last year too...mostly because H knew that JB has a loyalty to me. But it's awkward with RB being H's best friend.
He's coming over this morning for a coffee so I'm looking forward to the chat and just thinking out loud with him.

I'm hoping this will help me get my thoughts straight for when H comes this afternoon. I'm so torn about what is right for my kids and what is killing me inside to do.
I only want to do the right thing.

The last day or so I've felt a little sad again. I really do miss our life. But I don't feel this sadness like I used to. There was a time whenever I felt that sadness where I felt that the only answer to this whole thing was for H to come home. But now the sadness comes with acceptance. Makes it just a little sadder, but it does help it to go away sooner so I can focus on what is necessary.

The book I've been reading is REALLY changing my life. It is really forcing me to look within myself and focus on the very moment I am living.

Anyway, I'll be back later to post on how my conversations go.
J~

Good luck today, Will be thinking about you. Hope you get the answers you are looking for.

What's the name of the book that is changing you life. Could use some change in my life

hugs
bear

Hey Bear,
I'm on the Oprah bandwagon and am reading A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle.
I won't go into a big thing...but it is a book about me. Each person who reads it would take something different from it and for me personally it is a Godsend right now. There has never been a more important time in my life to focus on myself and who I am (what a loaded statment that is...) and this book is helping me to put all that into perspective. I can't say enough about it.

JB came by around 10:30 this morning and was here for 3 hours. He REALLY helped me talk through everthing in my head and gave me a really good Dad's perspective on things. He also helped me to feel like I wasn't being unreasonable with my stance with regards to custody. He knows me really well and helped me cut through my own BS to get to what really matters.
I really felt prepared for my conversation with H and I felt confident. Thank God for friends!

The conversation with H went good and bad. The good is that it was a civil and calm discussion. It didn't turn into arguing or yelling at any point. I made a concious decsision prior to the conversation to not let him anything he said to set me off.

My request was that over the next 2 months we gradually allow D to work toward the 60/40 letting her get used to the 'new living environment'. We both acknowledged that it would be hard given his relationship for D to see that. She hasn't even met her yet and he will be living with her in a month??

Anyway, that I wanted to gradually work S up to it over the next 5 to 6 months.
He said those 2 timelines were too long and he wouldn't go for it.

So long story short, we're at a standstill. I'm going to look into a mediator and see if it is an option or if it just goes to the lawyers. I can't believe this.

It felt good to calmly and rationally stand my ground. It felt good knowing that I wasn't being unreasonable and that I am more than entitled to my opinion in this sitch. They are my children too.

Then he said he's looking into a real estate agent to appraise the house. And that he will send me a list of what he wants to take from the house. He told me he wants the BBQ, the lawnmower (his brandnew baby) and the old couches and a few other things of his. Plus his tools and stuff.

THEN, I told him I want to meet OW. That I have a lot of questions and things I need to know about (her kids etc) to have a comfort level with my kids going there. He was not impressed by this and said he could answer any questions I had. I said fine..but I want to meet her. Why he said? I said because my kids are going to be a part of her life and I have a right to know what she is all about. I said I just want to meet her and ask her about her kids and stuff. He said he didn't want me poking and prodding. Said that she has her background and things and that it was none of my business. I said....oh but it is my business. Very much so. I can't believe he doesn't get that!!
So that ended by him saying he wasn't saying no, but that maybe we could do it on the phone first. OH BOY do I think that he is scared of this one. I think he's still lying through his teeth about things to her and that thinks I'm going to wrech that for him. I think she doesn't know how opposed to this I am...

Anyway....I don't want to go on and on (too late!)
That's the update. I feel a certain sense of relief right now.
Nothing was resolved and is in fact gearing up for some drama...but I feel good about my decision and the way I've handled it. We'll see what happens!
J~

Awesome! Great job Jenny! I think you handled yourself all too well. Do not let him bulldoze you. I think your requested timeline is perfectly acceptable. Not sure why your H is in such a hurry to speed things along. Sounds to me like he's a little insecure about something. Who knows what, though? As for meeting the OW, you have EVERY right. YOU are their Mother, you are acting like a great Mother. Do not take H's word for it when he says he can answer any questions you have. That's total BS. I'm sure he'll paint a rosy picture, which more than likely is NOT the truth, of her. Hang in there and stand tall. You did a great job.

yeah Jenny - What she said. Good going. Hope you are feeling good. Sounds like the book is a good catalyst for you and positive changes. Be well.

I could go for a cookie about now.

I would have been MUCH more hostile than what you describe regarding kids meeting OW. I think you handled yourself beautifully. If you do get to meet her (even if just on the phone), make sure to keep your composure. Let him see you as the bigger person. I think it might surprise him if you are pleasant and keep the convo with her to kids and their interaction with her, rather than about the fact that she is with H now. Good luck, and let us know what happens.

I don't really have anything new to report. H had D call me this morning on their way to school. She was really excited to talk to me and I was really glad to hear her voice.

I was listening to this song the other day and even though I've heard a thousand times before...it really had a different impact on me this time. It speaks to me, my sitch and to all the support that I've received here.
This is for all my DB'ing girlfriends!!! Always remember that you have Diamonds on the Inside!

Diamonds on the Inside
Ben Harper

I knew a girl, her name was Truth, she was a horrible liar.
She couldn't spend one day alone, but she couldn't be satisfied
When you have everything, you have everything to lose.
She made herself a bed of nails, and she's planning on putting it to use.

But she had Diamonds on the inside.
She had diamonds on the inside.
She had diamonds on the inside.
Diamonds.

A candle throws it's light into the darkness, in a nasty world so shines a good deed.
Make sure the fortune that you seek, is the fortune that you need.
So tell me why the first to ask, is the last to give every time?
What you say and do now will, follow you close behind.

But she had Diamonds on the inside.
She had diamonds on the inside.
She wore diamonds on the inside.
Diamonds.

Like the soldier standing under fire, any change comes a relief.
Let the givers name remain unspoken, she is just a generous thief.

She had Diamonds on the inside.
She had diamonds on the inside.
She wore diamonds on the inside.
Diamonds.

J~

Hi Jenny,

Just stopping by to say hi and see how your weekend is going.

W2G