Hi, My XH was emotionally abandoned by mother and father. His father left when XH was 13 for OW and actually instructed XH to "help him pack" at that devastating moment out of the blue. This was followed by his passive aggressive mother completely losing it and wallowing so heavily in her own self pity she ignored XH. He has two older brothers but I think they were out or nearly out of the house by then. Nice, huh? I just read that article and though I knew this was the scenario with XH I always wondered why the abandoned then would go and abandon someone "good" themselves. I think my XH is the type that thrives on the drama of saving ie: the OW. Thanks for posting that article. GG aka LR
My h's mom was sick for two years with cancer and then died when he was 13. I also get the feeling she wasnt exactly the warm and fuzzy type. His father did the best he could for him and his sister. He worked a lot. My h's sister was very close to her father (who has since passed)> My h was too, though not nearly as close. I guess the death of his father 9 years ago might have triggered all of this, although I didnt know he was going through anything until he dropped the bomb a year ago.
Does anyone know why these men react like this later in life?
This kind of thing is the basis for Harville Hendrix's Imago work. We recreate our childhood sitches so that we can work them out. Sounds dreadful, but the blessing is that we often CAN work them out with our S, and experience a lot of healing in the process. Takes a lot of work, tho.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
So, now I wonder if XH learned anything from this exercise. I sure did. Admittedly, I am like him in that I was a caregiver and not the best at "receiving" because I always felt like I had to take care of everything and became quite independent because of it. My father was an alcoholic, so not always present and my mom died when I was 18. I never viewed these things as abandonment but I can see how they fueled my insecurity. I guess two co-dependents don't mix. In the last four years I have been working on accepting and asking for help when I need it and trying to show some vulnerability but it's a tough row to hoe when you've been trained for nearly forty years to be otherwise.
He has a book about exactly what you're talking about,called "Receiving Love." Might be worth a look. Codependence is a chronic disease--been there, done that. Yes, 2 codependents together is a recipe for disaster, unless you're both ready to do some serious work. Ah, alcoholism--the gift that keeps on giving.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
O.K. hoosiermama, you seem quite knowledgeable on this so may I ask your opinion?
Why would XH act completely different from me when we had similar backgrounds?
For example he thrived on drama and intensity, had a temper in his younger years, was always having a crisis, got bored of our stagnant R, Well, he's basically the person in that article. Seemed to easily (simplistic I know) walk out of our M without looking back, etc. He did a fabulous job of hiding some of these traits and was a good, honest, reliable type of guy for 12 years or so...
I on the other hand thrived on harmony and continuity but was also easily bored without stimuli (still am) but I do not create or thrive on bad crisis, just like activity and good excitement. Would have done anything to repair our marriage and didn't want to be viewed as a quitter, etc.
We seemed HUGELY compatible and to have so much in common until the beginning of the end.
Any comments would be appreciated but I will get the book.
My H came home from camp at 12 years old, and found his mom had left his dad for OM, and actually left the country for a couple of years. His dad was distant with the kids, and had multiple affairs, even after marrying his present W. So, not many good examples for him. Although, he always said that he wanted to be different. Seems, our childhood environment has more influence than we realise.
My parents fought on occasion (my mom was 4ft 11ins tall, and was really feisty, but my dad did have a temper which I inherited, and had to work hard to overcome), but they remained married until my father's death (I was 16 at the time). My mother followed him 5 years later. Not sure what influence that had on me and my M, except that I did not want to put my kids through a D. Still, this is my second M, but my first was physically abusive, and I will not take that cr*p from anyone, so I left him 3 years after getting married.
Don't we all have fascinating stories!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
O.K. hoosiermama, you seem quite knowledgeable on this so may I ask your opinion?
Why would XH act completely different from me when we had similar backgrounds?
For example he thrived on drama and intensity, had a temper in his younger years, was always having a crisis, got bored of our stagnant R, Well, he's basically the person in that article. Seemed to easily (simplistic I know) walk out of our M without looking back, etc. He did a fabulous job of hiding some of these traits and was a good, honest, reliable type of guy for 12 years or so...
I on the other hand thrived on harmony and continuity but was also easily bored without stimuli (still am) but I do not create or thrive on bad crisis, just like activity and good excitement. Would have done anything to repair our marriage and didn't want to be viewed as a quitter, etc.
We seemed HUGELY compatible and to have so much in common until the beginning of the end.
Any comments would be appreciated but I will get the book.
GG
I'll be happy to share my opinion--but that's about all it is, with a little experience and research thrown in. People respond in different ways to similar situations for a lot of reasons. Birth order, how the other parent handled things, presence of siblings, presence or absence of support/stability from extended family, school, church community, age at which things began to go wacko, individual personality, subsequent recognition of and working on one's "issues." The thriving on external stimuli that you have in common is pretty typical for those who grew up in alcoholic homes; everything there revolved around the alcholic and his/her crises, so you grow up waiting for that to jumpstart you.
I know that's a pretty general answer. Still sounds like H had a MLC; the more I read, the more I think the seeds are planted in the family of origin, and they're just waiting for the right combination of factors to take root and grow.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
My H came home from camp at 12 years old, and found his mom had left his dad for OM, and actually left the country for a couple of years. His dad was distant with the kids, and had multiple affairs, even after marrying his present W. So, not many good examples for him. Although, he always said that he wanted to be different. Seems, our childhood environment has more influence than we realise.
My parents fought on occasion (my mom was 4ft 11ins tall, and was really feisty, but my dad did have a temper which I inherited, and had to work hard to overcome), but they remained married until my father's death (I was 16 at the time). My mother followed him 5 years later. Not sure what influence that had on me and my M, except that I did not want to put my kids through a D. Still, this is my second M, but my first was physically abusive, and I will not take that cr*p from anyone, so I left him 3 years after getting married.
Don't we all have fascinating stories!
This is so weird, the things we have in common!
I came home from camp at age 10 and my dad had been moved out and mom's OM had moved in. Dad died a year and a half later. Mom's OM stayed in our lives until she died when I was 22; he was an abusive alcoholic and beat both of us up until I figured out I could call the police at age 15.
This is also my second marriage, the first lasted ~3 years and became physically abusive--so I left.
H's parents are still together, no apparent history of serious marital problems except that his mom disappeared into herself at some point, has little personality but has always been a loving mom and grandma. Both brothers are happily and in long-term marriages. H was the youngest, felt he had to live up to his stellar brothers and felt emotionally abandoned by his father because he didn't. But nothing hugely dysfunctional. Nevertheless, he's in the midst of a huge and destructive MLC.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks. I appreciate your input and never knew about the "jumpstart." I totally agree that the MLC probably goes way back to childhood and I receive more and more evidence that OP is just a catalyst for change that was already imminent. That makes them seem much less "humanized" and more of a stepping stone to WAS.
