Here are my first thoughts and strictly off the top of my head. Try not to be predictable. And it might make sense for you to give her a chance to think about things.
As long as it's not about our relationship it's fine. As soon as I ask her if she plans to come back she starts going off about what happened in the past and how I ruined her life. What should I do, just don't call her ? should I keep in touch? I told her that Im seeing a theapist but now all she says that 'you are now doing everything for yourself', she's not part of my life any more.
Quite frankly, alimad, she is the selfish one. It isn't like your life hasn't taken a huge hit. And when you try to do something for help with the marriage, all she can do is think of herself.
Hell, think about this for a minute. How do you feel? You're trying and she jams it in your face.
But here you are at DB and DB says if something isn't working, do something different. So if calling and talking about things isn't working, stop talking asking about her plans and don't tell her what you are doing in an effort to rectify the situation. Let her call you or at the very least allow a cooling down period.
I so respect you for trying to resolve this, trying to make this work.
Truth be told....I will bet this is a really common problem for folks with arrainged (sp?) marriages. I work with a lot of folks that have experienced them, and they run the gammut of hating each other to being really passionate, to having a sweet calm love for each other.
If you have the relationship that is going good.....keep hanging in there, you will stumble on some solutions.
I'm assuming you have experienced erections and turn on with women who were not your wife. How did that go? What do YOU think is at issue with you not being turned on by her? Is it visual? Is it her education? Etc?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am sorry you are having difficulties. Until you have been able to work through the sexual issues I would consider stopping the masterbating and porn. Have you tried just having sexual talk with her. Meaning you talk about what things you like sexually to be done to you and have her do the same just to open up the communication about sex and will also give you both some insight into how to pleasure eachother. Also you can just try some sexual games that you can get either online or at a store. The game does not have to end in intercourse and your issue may be that you feel pressure to perform sexually. So maybe the two of you could just work on foreplay and not so much on actually having sex. This will allow both of you to start to feel more comfortable with eachother and will also help you to see her as a sexual being. The more you practice at just making out and touching over time you may feel like actually having sex. It sounds like this is an issue that will take practice for you but maybe if you stop pleasuring yourself it will be easier to interact with your wife sexually. Also try fantasizing about your wife. It may feel uncomfotable for a while but keep at it. Maybe if you really want to masterbate wait until you are very turned on and you are almost finished, have her come in the room. The more you involve her in your mind sexually the easier it will be for you to see her as a sexual being and then it will be easier to be attracted sexaully to her. I hope I have helped you out some. Good luck.
I just wanted to add that in your mind sex has become something you have to do or there is a consequence. That is alot of pressure for anyone. You need to bring sex back to a fun playful act but she has to be a willing participant. I think you could resolve your sexual issues if she is willing. Being a woman myself, I personally would not leave my husband if the only issue was no sex. If he treated me like a queen in all other aspects of our life together and was a great communicator and was someone I can trust no matter what, You know a really good life partner, then I would not leave. So since she is trying to not stick around then why don't you try this. Ask her out on dates. Tell her that for a set time agreed upon amount of time the two of you will just date eachother without the stress of discussing the sexual issues. You need this time to just enjoy eachother emotionally before you can enjoy eachother physically. BUT give her some space for a while before you start asking her out on dates. Don't call for atleast a couple of weeks then ask her out and Wine and dine her. Take her to places that are fun for both of you and sometimes just fun for her. This will help you guys bond. Maybe take a cruise together. Atleast then you know both of you will have to be on that ship together for a certain number of days. It sounds like before you tackle the sexual issues you need to build a stronger bond with her that includes fun and lots of good times and memories together. When you do see her compliment her on her physical appearance. Just little things like I love the way your skin glows in this lighting or how beautiful her eyes are. Stuff like that. She may just be at the end of her rope feeling unattractive and for a woman it is very very painful when your husband is looking at porn and masturbating instead of being with his wife. Women see it as "Why am I, flesh and blood woman, less appealing than a video?" You really need to lay off the porn. It can be very hurtful to a wife. It leaves emotional scars that last forever. You just have no idea. Then maybe you can start to work on the sexual issues. Also, you could consider practicing just pleasuring her without having actual intercourse.
