Divorcebusting.com

Hi neecy,

Thanks for stopping by. Sorry we're in similar situations...

Some people may be content to "get what they can" out of their marriage, but I don't want to settle. Maybe I'm unrealistic, but I saw the incredible love my grandparents had for one another and I don't want anything less than that. My grandfather passed away last year after 67 years of marriage. My grandmother was having a rough time so I spent 3 weeks with her one on one, going through old photos and hearing many loving details of their relationship. While going through a box of old photos, I found a love note my grandfather wrote my grandmother 30 years after they had been married. It said, "Darling, EVERY thing about you excites me... especially your crystal blue eyes." 30 years after they were married and he still had such passion for his wife. That's what I want...

My H isn't the most romantic man in the world, but he knows how to make me feel special and he hasn't been able to do that in quite some time because he's been busy making someone else feel special. I'm all for him having friends of the opposite sex, but boundaries are so important and he doesn't seem to realize this simple truth. He actually held her hand (right in front of me) while snorkeling on our vacation and this was one week after we'd had a long talk about what I felt was inappropriate behavior. It's so confusing, because one would think he would want to keep that behavior a secret from his wife, so I think maybe they are 'just friends' but come on...

At any rate, I will get through this a stronger and better person no matter what happens. I'm very grateful to have found this site and the many inspiring people who post.

Hey girl!

You are more uplifting than Dolly Parton's bra! I mean that sincerely, too.

Ms gfi.. isn't that some type of outlet with a built in breaker?.. the words other people have directed at me I'm sending to you.

Cut the sh*t.

Now tell me how that line made you feel. Are you mad, angry, insulted? Tell me.

Try saying how you feel again. Work with me.

I'll come and check on your later.

*hugs*

I apologize, girl.. my last post was unwarranted.

I read your posts and so identify with the person you are. People keep telling me... take care of yourself. As I read your words, I realize, I take care of myself by taking care of others. Not so good in this situation.

I tried ripping off MY bandaid by challenging you to write about something that made you mad. And now I'm writhing feeling that I've hurt you.

So, sweet g... please accept my apologies. I am so sorry.

*hugs*

GPZ,

No reason for you to apologize. I was confused by your question at first - did you want me to tell you how I felt about my situation or yours?

For the past several months (after the big blow out on our vacation), I've read many, many books. One was "Emotional Alchemy" which helped me tune in to my feelings, but not allow them to dictate my actions - to be "mindful". I've always been a hyper-sensitive person and my emotions have always ruled. My desire is to be strong. You seem so strong and balanced - so in control. I've always given control and power to the ones I love.

If I label how I'm feeling:
I feel inferior - I struggle to see my unique gifts and value in this world.
I feel disempowered - my own fault, because I give my power away.
I feel fearful - so much is a stake and my husband seems to have 100% control of what my future looks like. If we D, I'm the one who stands to lose everything. He has the ability to turn off his emotions, but I don't think I could continue working with him if we aren't together. How could I continue to be his friend and watch him move on with another woman, have children, etc.?
I feel disposable.

I'm hurt that he would turn to someone other than his wife to express his deep concerns about our marriage. I'm sad that he was unable to come to me (he says he was worried it would spur on my past depression). I had to learn from a 3rd party that he may not want to have children with me. He's afraid I'll resent him for gaining weight; he's afraid I'll be struck with post-partum depression; he wants someone to be excited to have his children. When we first got together, I was unsure if I wanted kids. After being with him and agreeing to marry him, I knew I wanted to have kids with him for certain. Until recently we've said we were on the "five year plan" - meaning, five years after we were married we would start our family. It hurts that he would discuss his deepest fears with her. It hurts that he said I was disgusted by children. His nephew puked on me in February during our overseas trip - no big deal he's only 9 months old. I thought it was funny. I ended up getting very sick with the flu so I kept my distance from the baby and H thinks it's because I was so repulsed by the projectile vomit that landed on my foot. I didn't want the baby to get my flu, but he called "her" to express his disdain for me because I was so hateful of children. It hurts that he withheld his true feelings from me, but had no qualms about sharing those feelings with her. It hurts that he couldn't see how much I feel in love with that beautiful child.

When he and I first married, he said "Now that we are a family, we are each other's first priority. Nothing comes before family - not work, friends, [blah, blah, blah]." I don't understand how things could change so dramatically in three and a half short years. Am I so difficult to love?

I feel like a failure for losing my H so early in our partnership.

I feel completely alone.

I'm angry that others thought H and "friend" were having an affair and didn't say anything to me. I'm angry that H doesn't care that he's breaking my heart with his behavior. I'm angry that I still want him to love me, when I shouldn't care, because I deserve better.

I'm mad at myself for not being more proactive with our failing marriage.

I'll continue with more later... this takes a lot out of me.

I also feel grateful. Grateful that my situation is fairly simple. I realize it could be a lot worse. I've read some horror stories on this site...

He sounds highly critical to me. I don't see why you think he's so great.

Hi Sara,

In all fairness, I don't think he's highly critical. I think his concerns are valid, but I wish he would come to me first. Every person who meets this man loves him. Well, almost every person - those who are intimidated by him hate him. He's a good guy. We've both just lost our way with each other and lost our connection...

One more thing I'm feeling:

I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing how to play the game. I'm not a strong competitor. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm probably too forthcoming. I feel weak.

I ran cross-country in high school. I was never the fastest or best runner. During one race I actually passed a few girls while running a steep hill. As I passed them, I saw the on their faces a desire to quit. I said, "Don't give up. You can do this!" They were from a different school - not even on my team. Why did I feel I had to encourage them? I couldn't enjoy my own small victory of being faster. How odd is that? I'll never forget the confused looks on their faces.

I'm still the same way. How can my husband love me when I value others above myself? How can I learn to be more selfish? I just turned 35. Shouldn't I know the rules by now? Shouldn't I be more adept at playing this game of life?

When we had our talk last Monday night, he was upset that I had looked at his phone bill again - after promising I wouldn't back in November. Not only did I admit to looking ("she" told him), I also admitted to purchasing the Bluetooth Mobile Spy Software... which I never installed and never would. I bought it in a moment of desperation - needing to know the truth for once. I'm so glad I couldn't go through with using it. That is not the person I want to be, but why did I disclose so much to H?

Weak.

I just got home from the nursery and bought some pretty flowers. I'm getting ready to plant them but had one more thought creep into my mind about how I'm feeling.

I feel like a damn fool. My H is a very private person and says he doesn't believe in sharing our personal business with others. I've also been very protective of him and never shared my feelings about the problems we had in our marriage with my friends. So, when "she" and I would go to lunch and she'd ask how things were with me and H, I'd say "better than ever" because I didn't feel comfortable sharing our business with someone close to both of us. Now I find out that he's been sharing our business with her all along... so she basically knew more about the status of my marriage than I did. What a fool I am...

OMG I so know what you mean.

This past June, I sat at the pool with OW (didn't know she was OW at the time, thought she was still just my friend), talking on and off about our H's. By then, it was already emotional and physical between them, so H had already sold his story of a what a horrible wife I was. I feel like a total fool.

But, we aren't fools. We were respectful and caring. Still are. Go plant your flowers and enjoy the day.