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so do you think an2m that that is all it was

he really said some hurtful things

now that i look back over the conversation it's like he was looking in the mirror. because what he was accusing me of is what he is doing to me. so i wonder how much of it was guilt, how much was real

and as far as OW...she is probably what sparked the whole thing anyway because supposidly he was at N's drinking all night and was just fine. He went home at 2 and did not call me till 3. and we had been getting along the last couple of times we had talked.

i did catch him lying again too...surprise surprise. Well talk has been that he was going to buy a harley. Well he doesn't know that I know but a couple of weeks ago he went and ordered one. Everyone knew but me (so he thought). Well this morning he told me that he got turned down "because his credit is no F*cking good" I told him that I didn't believe that and of course he got all mad and said he lies to me all the time but wasn't lying. Well found out later today that his credit passed immediately with flying colors. Problem was, he has to come up with $1200 down and we don't have it. So, I guess he is talking of selling one of our 4 wheelers and did sell 4 cows. His mother says if he gets a harley I better take out more life insurance on him.

blah blah blah.

i really see that my H is following the script to a T. question is...will he ever get over this...will he ever look at me as good again...will he ever stop hating me for whatever reason...will he ever love me again...

an2m, i see that he is spinning, and waaaay out of control. i know that you don't believe me but I am letting him go. I have to. Of course I still love him and care about him, I worry for him. But I have no control over what he is doing and really don't care to try anymore. I also know that nothing I say or do is going to reach him or change a thing.

I am doing okay with interactions with him. I don't fly off the handle with him anymore. The other night on the phone my first (old) instict is to fly to my defense. To scream and holler and then cry. I did none of that. I was quiet and listened and validated what he was saying. Knowing the whole time he was so unjust in what he was saying. Knowing that he was lying to me the whole time.

He has not bought the harley. Wants to...but the money is not there. That is why he is so pissed at me, amongst whatever reasons. I DO NOT call him. Haven't for a long time. Only couple of times for kid issues or business over the last couple of months. And that gets less and less. I ONLY call him IF I HAVE to.

But this BS he threw at me about finances. He NEEDS to be apart of it. He NEEDS to see I am not screwing him. The bills are his responsiblity too. I told him to come here this morning to go over bills together so he can see all that is being done. Well he has yet to show up and haven't seen or heard from him since. And will not answer his phone.

This is a question only you can answer. What do you think? what does your gut tell you? What I know from my experience is that you have to decide if you are in this for the long haul no matter what, or what is your boundary line that if he crosses 'this line' you are done.

If you are in it for the long haul then forget the 3am drunken phone calls, forget ow, forget his rants, forget how he talks to you or does not talk to you at all.

Forget that he is spending money and selling cows now and blames you for everything.

Remember why you have loved him for all these years and why you want to continue your life with this man. Focus on every good memory you have because you will need it to believe that you can make it.
It will take a helluva woman to make it all the way thru this and still want him on the other side.

If I knew 4 years ago what I know now and the foresight to know all the things that H has done and the money he has spent and the secrets he thinks he still hides from me and the length of time this has affected living any type of a NORMAL life...I doubt the forecast would have been that I would still be M to my H. I still love H dearly but I have had these 4 years to get myself and as much of my life as I could back in some type of manageable order so I could function now if H does still take a walk.

Are you using your time to work on everything you can to get yourself in position to live without your H and without his support? If you want to stay on that farm how will you do it? how will you work 2 jobs and take care of the livestock? how will you fix the fence and repair the equipment? how will you be there for the kids that still need you? what will you do when the kids aren't there anymore to help?

Right now as bad as things seem for you the bottom is still coming to hit you and your H.

My advice, based on my own 4 1/2 years of experience with this, is that you need to look long and hard at yourself and if you can withstand whatever the storm brings. If you don't think you can, then do what you need to do now to protect yourself at whatever level you need to talk to do that.

You've posted often that if your H would just glance back at you...
What do you want him to see? What will he see?

(((toh)))
I am in no way encouraging you to be done, and I am not encouraging you to stay in a situation you feel is hopeless. I AM encouraging you to take a long hard look at all your options and yourself.

What he is throwing away. That I am a GOOD person. That I am strong and love him unconditionally. That I have stood beside him no matter what for over 24 years and am still here. That I am worth a second chance.



I really don't have a clue. It's all there in front of his eyes if he would just "look" at me instead of HER. I guess he only sees what he wants to, it's totally obvious and everyone else that knows him. There is absolutely NO comparison between the two of us. He just refuses to see that.

the more you try to step in between her and him the more he will go to her....whack! feel that two by 4! sit down and recollect you...you want him to to see you preipherally

geez!!! I believe you all...BUT...I am at a point in this that I see NO hope! No positives to hold on to.

He is spending more and more time with her. As long as that continues to happen and they get closer...what hope is there for me?

He is being more selfish...

He has gone completely dark with me...he doesn't call...he avoids me completely...

he says he is content with the way things are...

I guess I am asking any and all, what are my chances for R here? I really am starting to believe that it is now less than possible for us to ever get back together...so what the h*ll am I waiting for?

WCW this is why I have waited for him for a year. But none of what I feel, or believe, or hope for means anything if H doesn't want me. At this point after a year of this...nothing has changed. He still looks at me with pure hatred and says to everyone that he is never coming back home.

Had my first night on my own at new 2nd job. WOW...don't know if I'll be able to hack it. But I am going to give it my best shot. Everyone is nagging at me because they say it is too much for me. My mom says I'm going to end up sick or something. I think I am fine. I tell them it is good for me. Keeps me busy. Out of the house. And will give me some extra money. My father in law used to say. Work never killed anyone. So for now. This is good. not saying I will do it forever.

H came here Sat to go over farm bills. After Fri am's spewing it was weird. He was very nice, fair, and agreeative. Again weird...

I stewed on it 2 days. Wondering what the H*ell he is up to. Yesterday on his way to work I had to call to tell him I sold our old camper. Couldn't help myself. I asked him what he was up to. Said Friday he was kicking me out of the house. Filing for D. Threating me if he loses this farm blah blah blah. Then Sat all was well. He said I told you I was drunk and just pissed off and I am not up to anything. Still says he is buying the bike. I just said fine you of course are going to do what you want but...shouldn't we be settling things between us before we spend any money on anything else?...he just said we'll see.

I fully believe that the only reason my H won't go file for D is because it doesn't work for him. He knows very well that if we D he will lose this farm. That there is no way he can buy my 1/2 out and it will have to be sold. So it isn't me that keeps him from filing. It's this piece of land. So the ball is in my court in a sense...the way things are now...I can't move on because I am still M and it is not in me to do that...he gets his freedom...his OW...and this farm...all is well and good for him. Me...it s*cks!...