When we were leaving is when he said their relationship was not what I had built up in my head. He said... their "friendship" was never deep. He said she was just always someone to talk to and it was always very shallow. He said they never talked about anything important...
Now, I know MWD tells us not to believe any of what we hear, BUT she does say to really listen to what our WAS is saying.
Your H says it's not the big romance you're imagining it to be. IOW, he's saying to you that he does NOT love OW. They shared decent conversation, but again, he does not love her and very possibly feels like it could never be anything more (looking at your signature line, he realized his mistake). This is your reassurance along with the hug and kiss he gave you at the end of the night. Seems that H is willingly giving you the reassurance you need.
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...but I still find myself questioning if I am as much fun to be around as her. I am pretty quiet and she is very outgoing and talkative and I think that is what drew H to her (she is a radio dj )
I am the same way and had the very same fears. I've always been extremely quiet, even shy, until I warm up to people. Then I'll come out of my shell, but just a little. OW in my sitch was very outgoing and had a career, so I'm sure she had lots to talk about whereas I didn't. My days revolved around the kids, their activities, and things that had to be done around the house. Nothing mysterious or intriguing about that!
In my sitch, I've just had to learn again to work with what I've got and what no one else has - my DB skills and the knowledge of my H's LLs. DBing is what helped bring my H back home to me, and filling his love tank with AOS and WOA results in H refueling mine with QT and PT. I'm finding that the more we show each other our love, conversation comes more easily, and we talk about anything. Movies recently seen, sports, news, his day, my day, vacations we want to plan for....whatever's on our minds. This is fun for H and me; we're enjoying being around one another and giving ourselves stuff to look forward to.
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I am really trying to be patient. The thing is that if his phone had been in his pocket and I never knew she was calling things would have been great.
Things seem to be going great, then suddenly take a nosedive when the threat returns and rears its ugly head. Immediate crash and burn. It crushes hope and hurts like he**, I know it. But try to remember, you got through the rest of that evening with your H, and with his help, his reassurances. There's your spark of hope. It's still breathing.
Pick yourself up, dust off your clothes, know that you can get through this. You are strong and with time, love, and patience, you can make it work.
Hope you're feeling much better today.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/19/0805:48 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I am feeling better today. I do feel like I overreacted to her calling. H wasn't hiding anything...and he can't help it if she calls him. It isn't like he was running off to talk to her.
He is being more transparent Michelle and I think I do still need time to heal.
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Your H says it's not the big romance you're imagining it to be. IOW, he's saying to you that he does NOT love OW.
I know he doesn't love her. If he loved her he wouldn't have moved 1000 miles away from her. They are nowhere near each other and couldn't see each other even if they wanted to. I am being irrational and it is just my own insecurities and me wondering if he thinks he made a mistake by moving here.
He did tell me back in November that he had made a huge mistake and ruined the only good thing in his life. He said he felt his life was falling apart and he was just bringing me down with him so he was trying to do me a favor by leaving.
I guess for now I just need to focus on the positives and be patient.
Right, and it appears that your H is attempting to help you feel more secure. I understand how tough it is, and it's going to take more than just this in the future to get through the rough times, but at least for now, know that he knew you were worried and made an effort to reassure you that there was/is nothing for you to worry about.
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...me wondering if he thinks he made a mistake by moving here.
You don't know what he's thinking. When these thoughts creep in, stop them immediately. They don't do anyone any good, and they're especially destructive to your PMA.
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I guess for now I just need to focus on the positives and be patient.
Great thinking! However, I would say focus on yourself and your PMA while noting the positives.
Glad to hear you're feeling well.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks, you are both right. I shouldn't blow it out of proportion. He did try to reassure me. I am not sure what else he could have done at that point. I kind of put him in a lose lose situation.
You are right GF, I don't know what he is thinking. He made his decision and I shouldn't analyze it. I will focus on myself and my PMA.
I am feeling better Michelle. I am still tired but hopefully soon I will get my strength back. I haven't exercised in about a week but I plan to get back on that this weekend. I still have about a week of medicine left...but MUCH better than last week.
I spent some time with H this weekend. We went out Friday and Saturday night. I ended up staying at his place Saturday night and then hung out at his place for a while Sunday.
I am just frustrated at the moment. I think H just doesn't want to be divorced...and that is it...it sounds bad to him. I don't want to be with somebody who just merely doesn't want to be divorced. I need him to WANT me and to want to be with me. Maybe that is where patience comes in...but I am just beginning to feel that he will never get there. I feel like he will never have that passion for me that he once had.
I am tired of walking on eggshells around him. I am tired of feeling like we are playing games. I am just tired. I want to be able to come home to someone at the end of the day who is happy to see me. I want spending time with him to be relaxing not stressful.
I just feel like I deserve more than this. I don't believe in divorce...but I also don't think it is fair for me to remail in a loveless marriage just because I am stubborn.
He is bitter and judgemental and just not real fun to be around. Lately he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to have kids...this was NEVER the case before. I was the one that wanted to wait and if it had been completely up to him we probably would have already had one. Now it is like he hates kids. I don't understand that. He is clearly a different person and even though things are better between us I wouldn't have married (probably wouldn't have even dated) the person he is today. I just wonder at what point do I decide I deserve more.
Anyway, just venting and feeling a little down today.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I hope you are recovered from your fall and being sick. (((klm)))
You do deserve more . . . the question is whether he can give that to you. At one time, he could and did. I think he is still capable of it somewhere deep inside, but he's not at the moment because of his own issues.
When was the last time you guys actually talked about R/M? Was it when he got those texts from ex-OW?
It seems like things have been good (compared to a few months ago) but have hit a plateau. I mean, 3 months ago you would have been ecstatic over spending most of a weekend together. I think what has changed are your expectations - and not necessarily in a bad way. I think it is important to expect things to progress and keep working towards the R you want.
The question becomes . . . how do you achieve that goal? What are one or two things you really want/need from him? Have you tried asking him for them using the DB techniques? How do you think he would respond? Do you think a different technique would work better? You may very well be at a point where you need to take the initiative to get anything to change.
Just a thought.
Hope you have a good day!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yes, I am finally feeling better. I was beginning to think I would never get over that.
I have been at work today since 3:30 am!...which means I got up at 2:30 am....and it is now 12:30. I had to come in for a project and I was planning on being home now but I am having to hang around for a meeting that keeps getting pushed back. It was originally at 10:30, then 12:30 and now 2:00...if it changes one more time i am going to scream.
I do think he is capable of giving more. I am just not sure he wants to. We haven't talked about the R in a while. We didn't talk about it when OW was texting...that was just mainly me getting upset...no real conversation came from it.
I do think expecations have to change as things progress. You are right, 3 months ago my attitude would have been very different after spending a weekend with him. ...It is just that it was boring. I found myself wanting to leave rather than craving more time with him. I found myself thinking "is this it???". I wonder if this is how he felt when he decided he didn't love me anymore.
I need affection from him. I need HIM to initiate. I need him to call me and ask me to do things. I just need him to do some of the work too. I honestly don't think he would respond positively to anything right now. The weird thing is that I don't think he would respond negatively either. I think he is just indifferent. He would get off subject.
Honestly though...it isn't just what he is or isn't doing. My frustration right now is more about the person he has become. He is bitter, cynical, and judgmental....which are traits that are the polar opposite of me and I find it hard to even be around people like that. He is not the man I married...traits of OW have definitely rubbed off on him.
I am just wondering if I really want to keep trying. I am pretty sure that if I told him I was filing for D he would be fine with that. It would let him off the hook. He wouldn't be the bad guy. To his family and friends it would be me that filed..and so once again he would be the victim.
OW in my sitch was very outgoing and had a career, so I'm sure she had lots to talk about whereas I didn't. My days revolved around the kids, their activities, and things that had to be done around the house. Nothing mysterious or intriguing about that! 
Glad to hear you're feeling well.