Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives FLTC: FROM IRAQ PART IV

Good points, one and all. Thanks for weighing in. I'll change the emial, but I want it to be said that she is SO concerned about finances, but we have 150K for D17's therapeautic school 10K in flight bills, 15K in travel to SE Asia, 3K to redo basement, a new driver and a brand new Jeep, college tuition for D17 AND TADAHHHHH A DIVORCE!

WTF? She will suffer as well financially. I spent zero of thos dollars.

This may be a bit trickier than you think!

I just tried to remove my ex from our joint account based on the legal divorce settlement. The bank won't remove his name because we have a joint credit card. Ex has not used the card in over 2 years and has no interest in it. Apparently when we applied for the card many many years ago it was based on both our incomes. So, now I have applied for my own credit card (although first one was also in my name and I was primary member on the account). I have to cancel the first credit card. They will not allow me just to remove his name.

Hopefully it will be an easier process for you (although I have a willing H to help me this process; not sure your wife will be that willing!).

That is pretty common.

My H could not just remove my name from our joint account (I had gone back to using my old accounts and he was using the joint as "his") he had to close it and reopen a new one. With credit cards, that means they have to be paid off usually or the balance transferred to the new card.

Thanks MLT and Mattie. I have unceremoniously been "offered one of the two mattresses from the girls' room". Thye'll be getting two new beds, so that D17 can stay in it for 5 months before she goes to school. More expenses.

I have had some time to think about her email to me,once again beating me about not "being involved" with family finances, and the more I think about it, the more absurd her response is, not matter what "her reality, DB-speak" aside is.

Think about it. she ran up 10K in airline bills visiting D17 in Utah at her school, 15K more sending both daughters to SE Asia, 3-5-8K(?) more on renovating the basement. She continues to keep a Chevy Suburban that gets about the same gas mileage as an Abrams tank, plus another car.

She wanted to send S10 back to beach camp again this summer. $4K more. Insurance on Smarmylawyerboss'Jeep that he leased for D17. Certainly 2 times more expensive than her insurance would be on a 4 year old Toyota Corolla.

Then she asks me how will we afford $150K for D17's school plus 40K more per year for college. CHECK IN THE BASEMENT OR IN THE DRIVEWAY!!!! She went skiing on February break, after putting D16 and S10 on a plane to FILs in Florida.

I have (CORRECTION HAD) sent every penny of my total $10,400/ month pay home, worrying that everyone would not be taken care of. I ocassionally bought a book at Amazon.com, or Motrin. Period.

I'm the bad guy because of the "pressure of her doing the finances without my input"? REALLY???

Funny how this works. I just finished writng on this page, and I get this email from W. Any suggestions?



I need some explanation from you regarding our finances. You wrote me to say you are withholding about 40% of your pay leaving me with the rest to cover “reasonable expenses”. First I’d like to know why you made this decision. Second I’d like to know what you consider reasonable expenses. Third, what is your plan for expenses that are not reasonable as you’ve determined them?



This has been and continues to be a year of expenses well beyond what we have ever experienced but I have so far managed to cover all of the bills for the kids. With the exception of some fairly basic personal expenses, all of our money has gone toward the care and well being of our children. I need to know what expenses you will and will not be willing to contribute to for them and items that you own such as the house or your car.

FLTC, you can't change the past!!!! What it sounds like you need to do now is control the future!!!! Being the devils advocate for a moment, your wife has had the money to spend without having to worry about it. Now it's changing and she won't like it. You need to take back control of the money and you have started to do that in baby steps.

FLTC,

The posts about joint credit cards are right on the mark. You can't just take someone's name off. I know laws differ from state-to-state, but my L told me that everything starts the date you file for separation. I was responsible for what he did and he was responsible for what I did even if we lived separately and planned to D until there was something legal filed. Then, what we did was separate.

I had to file because my X was going nuts (sound familiar?). I had to file because he was going to run us both down the drain. You need some legal advice here. And please do not respond rashly to her email about what you plan to contribute. That will be an admission on your part.

Her email to you about what you plan to do for her financially is a fishing expedition. Don't bite! Besides, her offering you something old from the house is an insult. It's as if she owns it all and is offering you something out of the goodness of her heart. You own half of it FL, try to remember that. Maybe you should tell her you want HER bed.

Just get home safely and remember, you can't help what other people do. But you might want to consider talking to a L during your leave about what your options are.

How would something like this work...

"Dear W,

Your suggestion that I take a more active role in the finances was spot on. You're right, I have put too much of the responsibility for that on you and I realize it has caused some stress and confusion. I think it is important for me to to be an active participant in paying our monthly expenses.

In the next three months, I would like you to photocopy/fax/email all of the expenses [note here: most of this kind of thing you can check on line nowadays] to me so that I can keep records and get up to speed. After that I will take over all the financial dealings (mortgage, utilities, credit cards, etc) so you don't have to worry about it."

FLTC: My ex and I were the same and he had no clue how to do any of the finances. But when we split, he simply took it all over. He learned to do it and you will too. I see no reason why this is not a reasonable expectation. My ex paid the mortgage and all the bills for nearly 2 years until we were divorced and now I pay my own stuff, he does his own stuff.

Try to approach it like you are validating her concerns and relieving her of the burden of the bills.

Good Luck!

Althea

p.s. dang, you military guys make some good moolah!

Happy is right...there has to be something legal in place in order to close joint accounts. I just assumed with the money that you were sending your wife that there wouldn't be balances on any accounts. This would make things a whole heck of a lot easier but all debt will have to be satified before the date of divorce anyway. The bad thing is that the longer this goes on the more she can spend making you liable for half. I bought a new car before I was divorced and guess what? Because we were never legally separated he was liable for 50% of the debt.

FLTC,
Here is my two cents worth...I definitely agre with the idea of seeing a lawyer while you are home. I know you only have a few days, but you need to get some things settled. If possible you need to establish a financial agreement to stop the crazy money drain that has been going on. You may need to file something in court to establish a date for separation to stop the siphoning of funds. Good luck