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Thanks Snodderly:

I know there is only a 50/50 chance..and right now I feel like there is little to no chance of h waking up. I just wonder why he tries to suck me back into his world if he wants to be rid of me.

When I came home from work yesterday he calls asking if he could pick d13 up from softball. I told him fine...since he won't see her until sunday (she has stuff going on after school....so won't be around). In through the door comes d13...2 minutes later in comes h.

I busied myself in the kitchen. I was making dinner, lunch for the kids for the next day,etc. He sat at the kitchen table..watching, making small talk. I don't know why. Perhaps he is waiting for the real estate papers I haven't signed yet.

Anyway, he was in the kitchen while i did my thing and then I left to put laundry away. I didn't cater to him. Didn't sit with him ....just did my own thing. I mentioned that I was going to work on fixing the grill sunday....and of course he chimes in that he will do it. UGH!!

I turned around a little while later and he was gone and I had a tm from him stating "I hope you had a good night. Sorry I was in the way." I ignored it.

Today....already 2 calls.

My H has some serious issues. I really don't know if he will ever heal. He is harboring such inner loathing and has projected so much onto me it is beginning to look like he will never return.

In the meantime, I will enjoy my children. D13 has 6 softball games in the next 4 days, bingo night for a fundraiser and her swim banquet on Sunday (which H will be going to ....and I don't want to sit with him, but....??) and s16 starts teaching swim lessons to little kids next week....so there is plenty to do without worrying about H.

I think pulling back is a good thing for me....going dimmer. Who knows what it will bring...but it will be a lot easier than the rollercoaster. Let's pray I can keep it up and that God will be working on H while I do.

losing hope...bust still standing
A

A,
Here's what I see going on--the dance is in progress. The more you pull away, the more he communicates w/you, the more he comes around. The more he expresses himself in a "poor me" mode. He looks to you as a child does to his mother--he wants reassurance from you about him being there, calling and what he's doing. If he doesn't hear from you, he panics. He knows that one toss of the dice and you could say enough and actually shut him out. As long as the dance continues, he will continue to come back again and again and suck you in. There will be times when you ignore his comments and others when you'll need to respond. Choose your battles when it comes to such things. I think ignoring his comment last night was good. It gives him something to think about.

As for fixing the grill, why not ask your son about helping you w/it? It's time that your h see some action around your home and come to realize that he may be cutting his nose off to spite is face by staying away and wanting the house sold.

Your h may take a very long time to deal w/his issues and then again, he could face them and return to normal. None of us knows just what type of issues he's trying to resolve and that's the sad part of all of this--we are the ones having to face the fallout of what transpired so long ago.

You sound so much stronger and more in control of things these days. I'm very happy to see that you and your family have plenty of activities to keep you busy. Time will go by quickly and you won't have much time to think about your h and his issues unless...he continues to contact you late at night. Time to cut the ringer off and just let them all go to voice mail.

Take care and try to enjoy the rest of your week. You are getting the hang of going "dimmer". It takes time, but before you know it, you'll be doing it and not even thinking about it.

Thanks Snodderly:

Journaling: Been quite a busy week. Between work and d13's softball schedule, there was very little time to think of H.

I didn't hear from him much until friday. He sent a tm to me asking if d lost her phone. I answered back no....she has just been to tired to text him at night after softball...sorry.

Her game was cancelled on friday and I called H to tell him she would be home after school if he wanted to see her. D13 said that H told her I was mad at him and hated him. Nice. I told her that I didn't and left it at that. She knows what a drama king he is.

D13 had a tournament today...about 45 minutes away. H tm'd ealy this morning asking the time. It was pushed back because of weather so I wasn't sure he would make because of work...but he showed up.

He didn't come over to me...and part of me thought just ignore him, but I did go over to his car and say hello and let him know the schedules of the game. He was tming when i aproached the car (probably MOW) and I apologized and offered to come back, but he said he was done. I sat with him for a few minutes and we drove for coffee.

He was very quiet and so was I. I just didn't know how to act or what to say. It was very cold out and he stayed in the car to watch the game and I stayed outside with the other parents. Some who had not seen him in a while and I think were shocked (although they didn't say anything).

Tomorrow is d13's swim banquest. I hate to say this but I am dreading it. H is coming and I truly don't know if I should sit with him. In a way I want my space...but I also don't want to upset her. I guess I will let the chips fall and see what happens when i get there.

Dimmer is good Snodderly. I find myself not analizing too much and freeing up a lot of my energy. I still have not signed the real estate papers. I am sure he wants to ask about them....but is afraid to get into it.

The calls in the middle of the night have stopped for now. Who knows if they will start again......

Snodderly, I don't think my H will ever deal with his issues. It is too easy for him to run and blame. I just feel so sad for my children...there father is missing out on so much and he is also making so many bad choices that are affecting them. It is such a shame.

Thanks for letting me vent.
A

A,
Well, your h is doing the "put the guilt on mom" deal w/your daughter. Notice how he said that you were mad at him and hated him? Well...that isn't the most adult conversation to have w/your child. He's fishing and hoped that your daughter would tell him where you are at. He should be ashamed of himself for putting your child in the middle of his mess. But, like a teenager, he runs to someone else to see how "mom" feels about things. Well..he made this mess, now he really does need to clean it up. Drama king doesn't describe him at all. He's over the top when it comes to "me, me, me".

If you are not ready to sign the real estate papers, then don't. It's time he became a man and broached the subject w/you. Do not even mention those papers. Let's see how long it takes him to raise the issue.

Oh, he'll get back to those late night calls again very soon. Right now, he's laying low because he thinks you are angry w/him about the papers. If he starts to see you letting your guard down a bit, those calls when start up once again. If you go back and visit your old threads, you'll see the pattern.

Unfortunately, you can't do a thing about helping him face his issues. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children. Your h has a lot going on in his head and until he can focus on those issues, face them head on, accept them for what they are and come to an understanding that they are things that were and are out of his control, he's going to continue to spiral out of control. It's very sad when you think about everything he's lost out on in the last couple of years. The kids need their father, but he's not in the best of shape to be one and right now, at their ages, they need him home and rational. You've done a great job of trying to hold it together, but it's going to take a long time, if ever, for him to wake up from this. That's why it is very important to keep moving forward and prepare yourself for the fact that he might not return. I'm not saying he won't, but I'm also not say he will. It's better to prepare yourself for the worse and hope for the best.

Dimmer is definitely better for you. I do hope and pray he'll grow up, want to return home, and be the best father, husband and friend that he can be to all of you.

Thanks Snodderly:

This going dim thing is hard. I find myself trying to not get sucked in as H sits and is quiet around me or says he is in the way.

When I got back from running errands yesterday, d13 told me she tm'd h to come over. Fine. I was taking s16 out for a driving lesson. H came in and sat in the kitchen doing a crossword puzzle. S16 and I were watching the game.

We left...and when we got back he was still quiet. I didn't say a word. We got ready for d13's swim banquet. I asked if he was coming in my car and his reply....I don't want to be in the way. I will take my own. No problem.

Anyway, he did sit with me at the banquet. I made sure the table was full of people who didn't know us well so they wouldn't be uncomfortable. I think a lot of people who haven't seen much of H were suprised of his appearance. The long curly afro....the same as when he was in high school.

Anyway, we did make some small talk, but he was still quiet. I could see him get a bit emotional, but let it go. Today he is going to d13's softball game. It is almost an hour away so I won't be going. I need to be here for s16. H said he would have to rearrange his Counseling appt. I pray he rescheduled...he really needs it.

He did call a couple of times today regarding directions. I helped him as best i could. He rushed me off the phone. My C says he tries to parrot me at times. I thinks this is one of them. The quick calls....dim.

I miss my H....I don't like the wall between us, but perhaps this change in strategy will help. D13 once again said to me this morning that "dad thinks you are mad at him." Whatever!!
He was the one who told me that he wanted to move on with his life....so I am letting him know how it will be without me. Hope he is enjoying it.

As far as the papers, Snodderly, that is exactly what I am doing Holding still until he says something. How one person's actions can destroy so much....I pray to God that he helps him soon, before it is too late.

A

Thanks Snodderly:

I think I failed dim101 yesterday. H called me on his way to work last night. He had stomach pains (which he has had for years....stress/seasonal brings it on). He was out of his meds and the dr. had called in a prescription. It needed to be picked up and of course who does he call.....me.

I have to say, in my mind I thought...why aren't you asking MOW, your mom, anyone....but me. You want to go are seperate ways, yet this. In my heart, I told him I would get it....so I did. I know how much pain he is in when he gets this. He told me he would call if he needed it brought to him. He never did. He did send me a few tm's in the early evening ....apologizing for being a bother.

When he called today he sounded terrible. He said he was uncomfortable all night. I told him I felt bad....I would have brought him the meds if he told me. Whatever.

Anyway, I have failed dim101. I just don't know why I didn't tell him no. I have shown him once again that I am here for him..........and he can cake eat! UGH..


A

It's okay. Stop beating yourself up for being worried. He really does need to get himself checked out thoroughly by his physician. His pain doesn't sound good at all.

You now can go dimmer again. You can't help but be worried when you know that they are telling the truth about such pain. You are a very kind and loving person and he knows that he can rely on you to be there. This once again proves, he doesn't know what he wants. You know the drill, so step back just a little bit now and see what transpires.

Thanks Snodderly:

Just Journaling...trying the dim thing again.

H came by yesteday. Earlier than usual. He said he had to be to work early. I went about my business and left d13 and him in the living room to hang. I was not mean. I was not cold. I just did my thing.

After I was finishing up chores, I sat out back. It was gorgeous out. I was out there for a bit...and then d13 came out...then H followed. He was Mr. Happy yesterday. I really didn't have much to say. I just sat and enjoyed the warm air. H left....and as he was leaving he said "you're awful quiet today." Whatever.

I took a long walk yesterday and did some thinking. I asked myself if my whole life with H was a lie. Here is a man who can so easily walk away from me and our family, I have to wonder if he ever cared.

Anyway, s16 told me yesterday that he saw H's best friend at the pool with his son. S16 told me that H's best friend said he had not spoken to H in almost 2 years. S16 told me that friend was very concerned about us and knows everything that's happened (including the house) ...since he golf's with h's bil.
It is amazing to me how they can cut their families out....and he has also let his friendship go. How sad.

Got up early today. My phone was in the kitchen all nigh. Saw a missed call from a restricted # at 3:40 am. UGH.

Anyway, H called early today. He has to work this afternoon. He asked if he could come by to see d13. I told him fine. He showed up shortly after. I was busy doing laundry and then I did sit with them...but I didn't say much. I could tell this bothered H. He seemed agrivated when he left.

I am trying not to come off as angry and bitter....but I sort of feel like dim is coming across that way. I just am tired. I am tired of my feelings not mattering. I am tired of being lied to and blamed. I am tired of H thinking we can be best buddies after he destroys our family.

Once again, still standing....but it's hard.

A

A,
They all distance themselves from friends and family during the crisis. It's interesting to see that he's not be around his friend for two years.

As for being dimmer than usual, it's your call. However, I do find it very interesting that a man who wants a divorce and sell a home is spending a lot of time at his house and with his family. The phone calls at all hours will have to stop if you split up unless you want that contact. I don't think he realizes that things will be very different once the house sells and/or you split up permanently. I suspect he thinks that you will always be there for him no matter what he's done. A, something to think about--if you happen to split up permanently, are you going to continue to allow him to disrupt your sleep at night and drop in whenever he wants?

I do think he enjoys seeing his children, but I also think he uses your daughter as an excuse to come over. He wants you to act as if nothing is wrong w/his behavior and he would dearly love to see life back to the way it use to be. His actions tells a different story than his words do. This is what makes the crisis so crazy for all of us. Unfortunately, we don't know how any of our stories will end until the crisis is over for our spouses.

All you can do is live your life to the fullest and if that means being nice to him, and yet distance yourself, then you'll have to do it. Maybe it's time for you to sit him down and just tell him how you feel about all of this. Have you tried this? Sometimes doing a 180, trying something different, will help them to move along a bit. I know you are tired of the limbo and when that happens, you get down.

I do hope that you and your children are doing some fun things together. Please take care of yourself.

Aj,
Remember--when it's words or actions, always look at the actions, not the words.

Definitely the phone calls have to stop.