Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God give me the patience and the strength...2

i don't think i am in fear any longer. i no longer am afraid i might say or do the wrong thing. whatever happens at this point,happens. i just wish for piece in my life. Of course I still do not want the divorce but if that is what's to be then at least maybe I'll find peace. If I could file I would, but I can't just yet.

i have a lawyers appt. tues. I drew up an agreement between H and I for the farm opperation. I went over what it said on the phone. He agreed to sign it. We were supposed to meet this morning to sit down and talk about the financial issues etc. well with what happened we didn't.

I did act this morning. I got his truck pulled here to home so that it would not be impounded. $$$ for the most reason. I then talked to him on the phone to tell him I was doing that and he was screaming out in pain. IT'S ME who I am, I had to go to him. I tried to get him to go to the hospitol to get checked out. Of course he wouldn't go. I didn't want to leave him alone so I didn't. I didn't ask any question, I didn't talk to him, I didn't ask for permission to stay. I just sat in the chair and watched tv. We were there a couple of hours. Long enough for him to sleep awhile. Then we came out to the farm. I helped him get tire aired up on the truck, hay the cows, and stood watch over him while he checked for new calves.

He didn't ask me to do any of this. He did say a couple of times, "I'm fine, or I can get it" I just said I know just let me help. and he did. When we were done. He dropped me off here at home and told me thank you 3 times before leaving. I told him I didn't think he should be alone. He said to call him later or he'd call me. I asked him to promise to call if he would turn for the worse.

He didn't call. I knew he wouldn't. and I never called him either. Heard through the grapevine he was okay. That's all that really matters so I left it at that.

Some say maybe this will wake him up...um...I pray that they are right...um...I doubt it.

an2m,

he is still hurt. I was only there for a couple of hours. just to try and get him to the doctor mainly. he wouldn't go, still won't so i have left him alone.

there is no way he'd have OW there to help him. she is still in hiding (from who, I have no idea).

i'd like to think i walked proudly to him. and hope that he knows that I am still there for him no matter what happens between us.

toh: you should have left him to deal with his own mess. patti is right, you bailed him out and he knows you will do it most everytime. he is a big boy so let him deal with his messes now.

you asked how to let go of the anger--this is something God helped me to do--it was my faith in Him that helped me let go.

Well today was eventful...

this morning i got auto and farm insurance changed so that it is cheaper. got an appointment to get my hair totally redone. went for an interview and got a part time job cleaning offices etc, in local factory. I work full time now but this will give me extra money that is needed. I will add another apprx 12 hrs a week, it will be a handful but i think i can do it.

i start tomorrow night, so we'll see. at least then H can't say I'm not pulling my weight. He has been spewing to me the last couple of months that i need to get another job as he is bringing in 3/4 the money. Well i won't be making as much money but most of my time will be spent working. And NO before you all jump on me. I didn't get this job because of H!! I got it to give ME more money, and to get me off the couch, out of the pain, and out of this house and away from thoughts of him.

Tomorrow I have a L appt. Going to buy me some tanning sessions. And start my new job!! Finally some GOOD things going on!

talked to the L today. I think that if/when I file. This is who I will use. He is very to the point and I think will be very good. Now to decided if/when...

didn't get my tanning sessions bought but will...

started the second job today. I think that I will like it but it's alot of hard work and don't know if I'll be able to keep up with both. we'll see...

talked to H this morning about bills and stuff for almost a 1/2 an hour. very easy going and friendly conversation.

had 3 calls on the camper we bought last spring H had to buy to live in. we now are trying to sell it as we can't afford it. so hopefully we'll get it sold...

all and all a good day

well the bad gets worse and the sh*t gets deeper...

H called @ 3 am this morning. I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. Well I laid there thinking "what if he is in a ditch somewhere?" so I called him back

he was nice. said he forgot why he called me (he was of course drunk) i said well if you think of it, call me

few minutes later he calls back.

the whole conversation was MLC CRAP!!! or drunken crap or a*shole crap whatever you want to call it.
he wanted to know how to get an ATM card. wanted to know where all the money is going. says i am playing him. says i'm screwing him over. says this is HIS farm. i didn't earn any of it. he paid for everything. says i am lying to him. says that if he loses HIS farm he'll see to it that i disappear. says that only money i ever made was enough to put cigerettes in my mouth, gas in my car, a little entertainment and that's it. said HE made all the money. HE paid for everything. I didn't make sh*t. I have nothing. said he was out here today and thought "this is MY farm, why am i letting her live here." says he's LET me live here for a year and it's time he took it back.

i listened. i kept my cool. did try to defend myself some. i said I'm sorry you believe i would screw you. I'm sorry you feel that way. I understand. I did argue some as I couldn't help myself. But for the most part I let him spew. I told him to go file. Get it over with.

Finally his phone died. And I thought. Why did I listen to that? Why didn't I just say "It's 3 am and I'm not going to listen to this" and hang up?

And I'm thinking...if he gets an ATM card how am I going to track that? More money going out that we don't have. What's next? After all that I did to help him last weekend...this is the thanks I get?

...should I just give this up and go file for the D?...

anyone?....

is this just another part of it or is my H too far gone and my M too far wrecked to ever be saved???

what do you think?...

i need some insight and advice

anyone....????

MLC VOMIT...HANG UP NEXT TIME LET OW BE THE RECIEPIENT