Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Affair is over and WW is responding

Yes I would, in a car,
Yes I would, in a bar.
I would do it, on a boat,
Wear no undies, 'neath my coat.

I would hurt you,
Yes I would.
I would hurt you,
Cuz I could.

I do not like this thing I am,
I do not like me, Sam-I-am.
But you see, it's hard to stop
My brain's awash,
From bottom to top

I do not like this thing I am,
I do not like me, Sam-I-am.

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I am with you there Hope4us. Affairs are a "one strike and you are out" deal in my book too. I am not going through this again.

I doubt it means anything. She wouldn't be that brazen to just start dressing in that stuff.

It does seems like getting rid of all affair related stuff is in order. Maybe she isn't ready for that now, I don't know. But at some point, all of that stuff has to go.

I don't know DMB, she's been pretty brazen so far. But I agree with you I don't think it means much, it's just because it's "tainted" that it bugs me. That and a year ago when she started wearing the "special undies" to work out of the clear blue and I questioned her it was because it "made her feel good". Yeah, that and it makes you squishy sitting in OM's office flirting with him.

Getting rid of the affair stuff WILL happen if she keeps progressing to a point of wanting to make our marriage work. But right now she's not ready to commit yet and if I made that suggestion now it would not be in line with me acting like I could care less whether she's with me or not, and it would just make her angry. And that's not what I need right now.

Incidentally, the roller coaster continues. Sent WW an email because the exit off of the expressway by our house is closed because of flooding and she'll have to take some back roads home from work and I got a kind of cold response. It was acknowledgement that I sent it and nothing more. I know enough to expect these types of swings in her attitude for a while, but it doesn't make it any easier when for the last 4 days I've seen my real wife. For her to slip back is hard. But I guess it's to be expected. Every day she goes to work where she met OM it's got to be a tough trigger for her.

Anyway, Can't worry about her, only can keep my strong confident self going and if she doesn't want to play, I'll take my toys home from the sandbox (put that in for you guys and your Dr Suess poems, which I loved!).

As a good friend of mine told me, her being in a BAD mood is actually good. You would be worried more if she were really chipper and loving life. The fact that she is in a bad mood means she hasn't had contact, and is probably just having a tough day. It is when they are REALLY nice to you that things seem weird.

Yep. Absolutely. That's a wise friend you got there, TMB.

As a good friend of mine told me, her being in a BAD mood is actually good. You would be worried more if she were really chipper and loving life. The fact that she is in a bad mood means she hasn't had contact, and is probably just having a tough day. It is when they are REALLY nice to you that things seem weird.

I know the bad mood is a good sign while withdrawal is going on. I thought we were through the worst of that withdrawal, but I guess I have to accept that only being 7 weeks into withdrawal is not enough time for her to get past having bad days here and there. Still sucks. I guess I should do like I do monitoring my weight. Only look at it once a week. Maybe I should look at whole weeks to see if we're making progress, and this week we've definitely moved a head.

I talked to my friend Deb this afternoon. Deb is my friend from middle school (her hubby is one of my close friends and Deb and WW became close after we got married). Deb had an affair of her own about 10 years ago and her and hubby got through it and are stronger than ever. Anyway, Deb said that WW is probably feeling down and the "special undies" the last few days are just to make herself feel better. She actually thought WW may be wearing them for me. Not sure I buy that as WW hasn't let me touch her in 5 months (and I mean touch) other than an occasional time she'll let me squeeze her shoulder on the way to bed. Man, I'd KILL for a hug. But, Deb says that with OM rejecting her 7 weeks ago (when the affair ended in WW's mind) and now me GAL and using the LRT that she thinks WW is trying to feel sexy for me. Again, not sure I buy it, but that sure helped the ego. I told Deb the other night the barmaid at a sports bar I was at brushed my hand while taking my credit card and that touch about sent me through the roof! 7 months with no intimacy is a tough thing when we were still intimate 2-3 times a week right up to the bomb. Heck, WW and I went to Fla in June, just the two of us and were intimate 4 out of the 5 nights we were there and that was while she was in the middle of the affair. And she's never loved me. Right.

Thanks guys, you picked me up. This might actually be a good thing. If she's in a bad mood when I get home, maybe DS19 and I will go watch the NCAA's tonight AND tomorrow!

Well, got home last night and WW was still in a kind of pissy mood. Tried talking to her a couple of times and she was pretty short with me, so I went to the basement and watched NCAA's all night. Came upstairs and told the kids goodnight and went to bed without talking to WW.

But while I was in the basement I had a thought that makes so much sense to me about why WW would be in a bad mood the last day and a half. Tell me what you think.

Wed morning, WW was still responding to me, sent me a couple of emails at work that she didn't have to send. I talked to her before she left to go pick up DS19 from school and she was fine with me. Not lovey dovey or anything, but is was a fairly normal conversation. She goes to pick up DS19 and when she gets home, something has changed. She's quiet, won't talk to me other than one word answers, won't look at me when I ask her anything. Thurs more of the same. I sent her the email about the flood and got a very short response, that's it.

So here's my theory. The route we take to pick DS19 up from school is the same route for about 3/4 of the trip that WW would have taken to go see OM once he moved the 250-300 miles away back in August. She would have taken that route the 4 or 5 times she went to spend the weekend with the POS after he moved. I'm guessing that trip to pick up DS19 was a huge trigger for her and she's dealing with that right now.

Big ah ha moment for me. While I've known all along that she's going to have to deal with her own demons going through withdrawal, I always take it personally when she's been down the last 6-7 weeks. Really, through our whole marriage I've been that way. I'm a fixer and I always felt like it had to be something I'd done or if not that, something I could fix. And if there's one thing I've learned through this whole mess, it's I can't make her happy. I just have to be happy and live my life the best I can, and if she wants to tag along, great, if not, it's her loss. I just need to keep up with what I'm doing and let her get through this at her own pace.

Which brings me to a question. What do I do for the next few days while she works her way through this? Do I continue to try and engage her in conversations? I've kind of dropped the LRT method since she's said she's not going anywhere for "at least" the next 2 years and has been responding to me. Kind of felt like it was time to start re-engaging with her. I'm still GAL and all, but do I go back to a LRT type attitude until she starts responding again, or do I continue engaging her to help her see I'm here for her? I almost feel like she needs to hit rock bottom (if she hasn't already) before she will begin to see more clearly than she is, but I also don't want her to think I'm not there for her when she needs me.

I would love to grab her, hold her, tell her I know what she's going through is tough and I'll support her til the cow's come home while she works through this but I just don't think she's ready for that yet.

Thanks in advance for any advise you might have.

It's a great question.

I would simply give her a big hug, tell her "I'm sorry that you're in pain," hug her for a moment more, and then break the hug.

Do something similar every few days, and beef up the Acts of Service -- no "ILYs."

Be tender, but lovingly detached.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I appreciate the advise. I'm still not sure if what you suggest is the right thing in this situation.

If I grab her and hug her and tell her I'm sorry she's in pain, one of two things could happen. She could feel anger towards me as one of her issues with me is "you're always right". If I acknowledge she's in pain she'll know I know she's in withdrawal from OM it could be me reinforcing the "I'm always right" notion she has of me. The other is she could act like she doesn't know what I'm talking about her being in pain, but internally like that I did it.

Even though I'm not an engineer, that's the kind of mind I have. I always think things through to their logical conclusion before talking about or making decisions on anything. WW is more of an emotional thinking type person. She "feels" her way through things. This is something we'll really have to work on to make our marriage work. I look at our marriage and know that love is a "choice" and WW looks at our marriage and thinks she's not in love with me because "she's 'never' felt for me what she felt for OM". You know those brain chemicals that hit when a relationship is new. She thinks that's what love is and without it you're not in love. She can't remember ever feeling that for me. Heck yes, we've been married for 23 years. If that's the high she's looking for in a relationship, she's never going to be happy as that high will wear off after the honeymoon with each and everyone of any future OM she gets involved with, if we don't make it.

My hope is that once she puts some more distance between herself and the end of the affair that she'll begin to see it for what it was and realize that she's got REAL LOVE staring her right in the face. We'll see what happens.