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W has been talking to our agent, looks like switching to another mortgage provider will save us around 1% over our current one... sounds good. Also that transferring the property over to just me can only happen once we have the divorce papers done. The better news is that there is no real capital value increase, so no payout needed for that. Last of the car payments was this month too, so will make things a little less financially stressed.

Today W again is saying she wants to buy a new single bed etc so she can move into the study/extra room, apparently sleeping in the same bed is "confusing". Don't know if its supposed to be confusing me or her, or if it just bothers her to be sleeping in the same bed as me while having her affairs?

Won't be seeing much of W this w/e, she is off to the movies tonight so I don't expect she will be back until really late/early and tomorrow she is visiting her friend and staying over... I don't think I'm too paranoid when I think she is off with one of her boyfriends, hence the current push to be apart.

Still looks like we'll be living together until August though, will be a long and bumpy ride until then. Feel sorry for S5 who will have mommy move out just before his birthday. Also going to have W getting all ratty about starting work and how hard it is again... Part of me wants to shake her and make her understand that it is NORMAL to be tired and have no time if you work a full time job!!!

Hard day today, weekend should be quiet though without W around. Not looking forward to monday and the mediator.

Oh well, the mediator visit got cancelled... apparently our mediator called in sick yesterday. Worked out ok though, S8 was sick at home too, so I was at home to take care of him.

W was off to take S5 to school and to Ikea to get herself that single bed she so desperately needs. I got the pleasure of rearranging the whole study and putting her bed together, and still got a shouty W in the evening. And her new spin on the moving into the study was that its because we have been sleeping badly...

Also got the "I've removed our relationship status from Facebook" line because she doesn't want her new co-workers to ask her why it is listed as "its complicated", also took down her old blog (again!) because one post from years ago critisized her new employer.

Evening was mostly calm, W went to gym just after supper. Came home, showered, moaned about how the laundry has piled up, did 15 minutes of ironing (yes, I'm a caveman, I can't iron) making a point of not ironing my shirts again. W then was tired and was going to go to sleep at 10pm but was chatting online until 11pm instead. I sat and watched some tv until just after that and went to bed.

Strange how W complained of not being able to sleep last night, she thinks its the nerves/stress of starting the new job. I'm thinking that part of it is that its another step out the door, even though she is the one that wants to leave I think it scares her. I didn't sleep too well either, pretty sure it was the various stress points of the day. W was so tired this morning that she was asking if the sleeping tabs my sister gave me have any "lag" effect the next day... guess the "no tablets" junta is weakening there. Also W complains that she doesn't want to go to the gym every time she goes now, motivation is failing even though she has muscled up and dropped so much weight doing it.

Anyway, W is looking for a mediator closer to home now, postponed until the end of the month... was even talking about using an online divorce site (hmm, not keen on those, too many things can go wrong and invalidate the divorce). Good part? W is still saying that she wants a simple divorce, no contest, no fighting for everything, so I might make it out the other side with at least some of my finances in tact.

Tired, a bit down, but smiling anyway!

Your W sounds pretty unhappy. It seems to me when I read about your W and other WAS that most seem to be unhappy. My H is going through guilt now. You would think they might realize: Hey, maybe this unhappiness, guilt, and sleeplessness might mean maybe we our making the wrong choices in our marriage??? Do you think she might realize that she is happier with you than being at least mentally separated from you like it sounds she is now? Karen

Hi Karen,

Unfortunately no, W has found the love of her life, a great new job etc etc, so W is going around saying how great life is. Everything is falling into place for W while I'm back to slowly falling apart.

Have the mediator tonight, the joy of paying someone a lot of money to tell you how you are getting divorced etc. So tired and down, S5 has been sick and coughing over the last week, disturbed sleep added to already poor sleep...

Stress levels have been rising, crisis at work, money, home... Even with W going off on one of her overnight visits to her friend (ie. visiting her OM) on friday and me going to a movie with a friend of mine on saturday didn't seem to help me rest.

Looks like W will be moving out end of June to look after a friend's place and then to another place in August... Looks like she wants to move out ASAP now that she is in love. Going to be nice and stable for the kids, having their mother move out and then move again after a month and again after another six months...

Also haven't been enjoying W's jabs about if I'll manage the co-parenting, from someone who is out every night and most of the weekend with her OM, "friends" or the gym. I'll admit I'm not the most organised or together person and that W (when she puts the effort into it) is, but I'm there for the kids a lot more than W is these days.

With W starting her new job she doesn't want to take any personal days, so I'm getting to take over the doctor/clinic visits too, at a time when my job is under fire... And getting to wake up earlier so that W can go to gym in the morning before work isn't going to be fun either. Wish it was as simple as going to bed earlier, insomnia and stress are not a good combination...

Feel like I have a hangover today, even though the only time I have had a drink in the past few days was two beers at our bi-monthly company drinks on friday. I can remember having this hungover feeling a lot over the last few years, and back then I wasn't drinking at all...

All feeling like its too much for me right now, need to get back to a more relaxed and calm place.

Brad

The alien was out last night... W was floating the plan of me moving out of the apartment during the week and her moving out on the weekend, so we can share parenting with the kids staying in the same place. Er... so I should pay to stay in two places and not see my kids? W is the one that is going out all the time, leaving each weekend to visit her "friend"!

To make it even more surreal, she then accuses me of only thinking about it in terms of money and how the kids must be missing her and asking questions about her being gone every weekend. Tried to, gently, explain that the kids miss her, but they are ok with the explanation that she is visiting her friends. I think its more her realising that she is not spending any time with the kids, she is out a lot of evenings, out on the weekend most of the time. Wake-up call anyone? I have been looking after the kids while she has been socialising the past few months and she only notices now that we're getting the divorce moving?

The big punchline? W is going away tonight until sunday morning! So she is so worried about spending time with the kids that she is going to go away for almost 3 days! W is also saying how its terrible being at home because of the situation... Um? How has it changed so vastly that she has to run off every weekend? Noticed that W won't kiss me on the lips to say goodbye anymore, get a very definite peck on the cheek you-are-just-an-aquaintaince thing going on now...

Should be a relaxed friday and saturday, tonight too. The boys & I love spending the time together. Am I a bad parent because I love playing computer games with them and watching tv? Will try make sure to get out of the house for more than just the grocery run, haven't been doing much with the bad weather and kids alternating cough & colds.

Wishing everyone a peaceful easter/spring festival
Brad

Your W sounds almost as self-absorbed as my H! He has always been a little selfish, but now with the affair he is even more self-absorbed. He looks at things primarily on how it will affect him & his life, even with issues regarding the kids. I am hoping at some point he will get more involved again with the kids. I was telling my C today, my H has always been a little distant, but now it's like he is on another planet. I think my H is going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe your W is as well (although she seems young for that)? So I am hoping H will improve if he ever completes his MLC, and maybe your W will as well if that is what she is going through now.

Happy Easter to you! I hope you and your kids have a great holiday! And you sound like a great dad, I don't think it's what you do with them that matters, just that you spend the time with them and they know they are a priority in your life and you love them! Karen

Karen, yep, they do seem to think the world revolves around their navel... I find it quite ironic that through the marriage I have been the distant and angry one, and now the roles are reversed, with W being more distant and angry than I was, and I've become more handy around the household and spending more time with the kids...

Surprisingly had a good easter long weekend, W was gone from Thursday until Sunday morning. The kids & I had a relatively quiet time, did some grocery shopping, got some photos done of S8 for his visa application (he has a South African passport, need a visa for him to go to the USA to visit my sister). The rest of the weekend we pretty much stayed inside since it was either snowing or raining and sub zero outside.

Sunday morning I got an early panicy phonecall from W who was on her way home and thought daylight savings had kicked in... but here it only is happening on the 30th... gaah, getting woken up by the phone 40 minutes earlier than you planned to wake up sucks! Called her back after I got my wits together (and checked for my own sanity) and told her that it was only on the 30th. Went back to bed to try get a little more rest before my planned wake up time.

No problems getting the kids up, myself showered and cleaned up (I trimmed my beard/mustache the day before and shaved) so I would look good in the photos *8) Got to the Hard Rock a few minutes before the Egg Hunt event started, so everything was pretty perfect, bloody cold waiting outside for it to open though!

I thought the whole event was quite pleasant, breakfast was a bit greasy, but that is hard to avoid with bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs, hash browns etc as the buffet... Kids ate their food, drank their juice, we took pictures and then the egg hunt started. S8 managed to get the most of the small eggs I think, I helped S5 with his hunting (and purposefully didn't point out all the eggs, left some for others to find). Neither of them found any of the special large eggs, but they didn't seem to mind too much with their haul of mini choc eggs *8)

Both of them then took some time to paint a few boiled eggs, we made a choice not to take them home though... wet painted eggs are not something easily transported at the best of times. Wasn't much complaining or whining on the way home either, so as close to a perfect outing as most parents could expect.

In the afternoon we went to watch Horton Hears a Who, was really amusing, the kids & I enjoyed it a lot, W spent long spans of the movie asleep in her seat. I definitely recommend the movie to all parents, good fun for all ages *8)

Monday I got to sleep in (yay!) and W took the kids outside after breakfast because it had snowed quite a bit during the night. Once I got up I got myself together and went outside to join in the snow games. W was already back upstairs talking to a neighbour, so I had the kids to myself, one of their friends was also out in the snow.

Since it was all boys there was an abundance of snowballs being thrown around. I pelted those rugrats with those soft powdery snowballs as often as possible and got the same treatment back... snowball to the ear is COLD dammit! S5 and I rolled up some HUGE snowballs and made a snowman too. Actually S5 was my ammo man, he would roll up big snowballs and hand them to me so I could pelt his brother & friend regularly *8)

All went inside after we got too cold, spent the rest of the day playing computer games and a board game or two. Quiet, relaxed and fun in my book.

After the kids were in bed W let rip with one of her "you let them play games too much" speeches, along with the "you are trying to play favourites" and, when I wouldn't retaliate to her anger got the "this is why we could never stay married" as well. Sure, I let them play too much over the weekend, but they have so little time outside of sport, school and daycare that it just seems cruel to deny them tv and games when they do have the opportunity? And of course I know that they shouldn't spend so much time in front of a screen of any description. Ended W's repetition by telling her that I wasn't going to have a conversation where her only objective is to attack me, I told her that I understand what she is saying and I agree with most of her points too. W told me it was "very adult" (with enough sarcasm to kill a horse) to end the conversation like that.

Found out that W is doing me a favour by going away every weekend... its so I can get used to the way things will be when she finally moves out... er... I didn't point out that she has all but moved out already. The kids asked her if she was going to be home in the week at all, her reply was that she'd be there monday night. Tuesday was parent-teacher conference & gym, today is dinner, tomorrow is a different event with her social club, friday and saturday she is away again... Yep, she is doing me a favour by showing the kids that she is more interested in being out than at home.

Why does she think the kids don't ask much where she is? Its simple, she isn't THERE much, every chance she gets she is away. And all the kids see is that their mom would rather be somewhere else than at home with them (even if its more of her just wanting to be somewhere else than at home with me). I don't understand how she can think I am trying to do the favorite thing, I'm competing against an absent person, its a no-contest situation!

I do have to get off my butt and make sure that S8 & S5 get to their sports on saturday, its good for them and I also need to get back into going to the gym. All of us had bouts of coughs and colds over the last few weeks but we are all back to normal now so there is no excuse. Got "you should have gotten your license" thrown at me again in the conversation as well... yes, I should have one, no, I don't have one. I have severe panic attacks about driving and have avoided it since trying to get my license a few years ago. And a bit of a moot point since W takes the car on her weekend jaunts, so I couldn't take the car anyway. No, I will not buy a second car! They're expensive here in Europe.

Ok, I have a meeting coming up, got to go. Hope you all had a Happy Easter!

I did mostly. Your W sounds like my H; he also was gone much of the time he said to get me & the kids used to him moving out. The funny thing is that now that he's moved out he is spending way more time here--to the point after H being here Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday that I was so ready for him to leave actually. He was yelling a lot Sunday (at me and the kids), and my C says I need to ask him to stop that. I have been so used to getting yelled at by H that I didn't even think of that!!!

My H's latest theory is that the kids didn't care he moved out b/c I have been poisoning them by talking about him and his girlfriend or something like that (which of course I wouldn't do to the poor kids)! But H has always blamed me for stuff, so I guess now that he's realized his kids don't care as much as they should about him he won't look at the fact that he was gone much of the time with OW, or texting her when he was home, or yelling at us, which of course has made it a relief I think for the kids and definitely for me now that he has moved out. I am wondering if your W will do the same when she realizes her relationship is not very good with your kids!!!

I have phobias too, I think I got them from my dad who was phobic of water & lightning (he was actually struck by lightning when he was 12). I am talking to my C about that, and have you considered that? I was scared of heights and have been painting on ladders and gradually am getting over them. I've decided not to let my fears stop me from doing anything I want to (like painting in slightly high places). It feels good to conquer the phobias (I still have the lightning one but hopefully I'll get over that one too!). You might want to do it, just as a self esteem thing. It has made me feel stronger and better about myself to work on it. Karen

Just caught up with your sitch, Brad, and I have a theory about your WAW .... immigration does strange things to some people. It's like the army ... it either breaks you or makes you stronger. Could it be, that now she is out of the sitch in Africa, and sees a whole different world, that it's gone to her head? I have heard of a few going somewhat wacko here. Could also be early MLC ... does happen, and might have been kickstarted with the move. Now, I am making huge assumptions, and do so with very little evidence, except you mentioned Zimbabwe and South Africa, and I am from the latter, and went through the whole stressful thing.

Anyway, if I am right, then you will understand when I say 'vasbyt'. You seem to be doing all the right things ... just hang in there, and try and protect yourself financially, and emotionally, and make sure you get some fun time for yourself too, even if only to go for a coffee alone or with a friend. Also, make sure your boys understand that none of this is their fault in any way.

Take care.

Karen, I have a severe vertigo problem... and I live in a 6th floor appartment *8O I have been much better in cars of late, at its worst I was even having panic attacks just being a passenger...

BeingMe, yes, the moving various times did push an already damaged marriage off the cliff, ZW -> ZA -> UK -> NL, we moved a bit... And when we moved here we moved with a newborn (4 weeks old!), no friends and, for my wife, a language that she could barely understand and not speak. En ja, ek verstaan wat jy bedoel met vasbyt, meer nu dat ek in Nederland woon. *8)

And the bomb for the day, W finally admitted to me that she has found someone else and that it has gotten serious enough that she thinks it is going to be long term -> permanent relationship. I already knew she had been dating (she didn't say anything about that) and that she had been seeing someone for a while, she just didn't want to say anything until it became a relationship. Doesn't soften the blow much though, will take me a few hours to recover from this I think.

Head spinning, time to go home... *sigh*