Guys I am so nervous-- I feel like maybe I should get a prescription for beta blockers before I call him on the phone. Or maybe figure out how to make it go straight to voicemail so I won't have to worry about a) having to have an actual conversation and radiating pure panic or b) possibly being "invasive".
Can we go through the options together? Which option is best to invite a response?
* I call him. Possibly scary, but I can communicate a lot of 'warmth' with my tone of voice and show my love without telling it. Possibly "invasive". Definitely surprising... I don't think he would expect it. He probably wouldn't pick up the phone. Essie, what do I do to "get my head together"??? Do I talk to him like he is still my beloved, I mean, with the same tone of voice, not the same words??
* I can leave a message straight to voicemail. less scary, less chance of getting information, less invasive, but still a possibility of showing warmth and love.
* I can send something back that belongs to him: keys. I actually DO have keys to his apartment still but I thought I had misplaced them over the summer and by the time I found them I was already dark. I thought about sending them back before but like Lisa said, I didn't want to send the message I didn't want them. I was hesitant to do it because for me to do it would be a "closing gesture" and I don't want closure, I want reconciliation. However, I think what he did *may* have been an opening gesture, not a closing gesture, within the context.
* I can send underwear back to him, pair by pair. This is kind of making fun of the whole "give me back my stuff now we're broken up thing". It's like a crazy joke version of it. But Lisa is also right, I don't want to show that I don't want them anymore! Also... the underwear is kind of a sexy thing b/c when we would have sleepovers we always used his underwear to clean up the jism!!! So it could be construed as a reminded or the many many happy hours we spent together that way, OR as a weird "take back your underwear" thing. ????
* I could send him something in the mail that is just a Gift of Real Giving. I already have a funny card in hand and a silly beer-making recipe. I have a couple books on hand already too. I could post the whole list and we could pick the best things together. This might be dangerous b/c it is so much bigger of a gesture than what he did sending the key.
* I could do one thing first, then another. Like do a voicemail, then send a package of underwear a couple weeks later. Or, "build up to the phonecall" by starting with underwear mailing.
OH!!! I had a B dream last night. The vibe was really heavy and confused. All the other dreams that I've had were very simple, vibe-wise: straight up anger, or hopefulness, etc. We were interacting and I was thinking, "what I'm doing isn't working, I forgot to bring my DB notes, I forgot my instructions, I forgot my printouts from the BB, I am unprepared, I forgot what to do." And whatever I was doing wasn't working. Then, he was sitting down and I wanted to climb in his lap, cover him with kisses and tell him all my feelings. But I realized in the dream, "I need to do something different." So I sat down a couple feet away, and just put my hand on his knee. And that got his attention. I woke up and thought about the dream for awhile. I think it means I need to "put my hand on his knee"... WHATEVER THAT MEANS!!!
I also realized, another interpretation of the dream I had that he came home to my apt and opened the door with his key and I asked him if he wanted to try again and he said yes. back in july in the middle of our first month long separation (that he asked for), I had a dream that he was in the driver's seat of a car with the window rolled down. I kissed him through the open window and then he drove away. When I woke up I realized what it meant, very clearly at that time, was that he needed to go on a journey by himself, but he still loved me. The realization I had today, is that maybe those two dreams are linked. Maybe the dream I had of him coming home to my apt means that his journey is finished now.
Also, I heard the voice yesterday, I forgot to post about it. It said, "DON"T GIVE UP. DON"T GIVE UP."
P.S. Ali, thank you so much for telling me tomorrow and Fridays are good days to do it!!! I was meaning to ask you for advice in that arena and you completely anticipated my needs!!!
Maybe we could compose the voicemail collaboratively, and then I could just read it??
How about:
Hey B, it's T! How ya doing? I just wanted to let you know I got the key you sent in the mail. Thank you! That was really thoughtful of you and I really appreciate you doing that. Things are going really well here in Atlanta. And I hope you are doing really well too! I hope all is well with you. It was great to hear from you. Take care!
I was nervous like this when I was about to see H last night. I was so freaked out that I was going to say the wrong thing or look at him the wrong way. You just have to relax and let your true self shine through. No drama, just be your best person. You will know what to say when it comes. I promise.
SLAP!! (lovingly!) Pull yourself together girl!! Ha ha!!
Pick up the phone, dial his number and see how you go. The more you think about it the more tense you will be.
Just do it baby!
Its totally normal for you to be catching up now after 5 months. You are just calling as a friend, and you want to hear the very basic outline of what he has been doing.
Seriously just put on your bright fiendly voice and pick up the phone and say hi! He wont be scared or pressured, cause you are just thanking him for returning the key (dont gush about this too much though - mention it once and move on).
If it goes to voicemail then leave a message, but it is SO much better to have a little friendly conversation. Let him do most of the talking and eave it on a positive note - like 'good to talk to you', so he feels comfortable to call you another time.
This is your big chance to put your knowledge into practise. And I know you know what to do. You will be great! He will be happy to hear how happy you are!!!
(Forget about the gifts, they are your back up plan for a few months time when you are connecting more frequently)
((((T)))) (He's going to be happy and suprised to hear from you!)
But... what do I do if he says, "I sent you the key b/c I never want to see you again, and I want closure. Do not ever contact me again."? Or, "I hate you, don't phone me," or "I am so over you, I moved on, I am having a baby with another person"????
Basically, these are my fears. How would I respond in those situations??? if I have something prepared for that, then maybe I can go ahead and make the call.
My fears too!! So normal! Its highly unlikely though (he wouldnt have sent you the keys or the note in the first place!).
If he did say any of that you would just simply end the conversation "Gee is that the time? I've got to rush - take care bye". Absolute worst case is him having a baby with someone else. And you would just listen and say "oh that's nice I'm really happy for you, you will make a great dad!... its so funny because I'm really enjoying being single and not committed to anyone or anything" and then get off the phone so you can dissolve in tears. You can do that (and I promise promise promise that he is not going to be telling you that!)
He might tell you that he has met someone he's interested in - just be calm and friendly and happy for him. That's attractive! Remember you are just building the first tiny bridge.
I'm 99.95% certain he is going to be secretly hoping that you would call after he sent the key cause he's been wondering what you've been up to for the last 5 months. He will be happy to hear from you.
And remember you are fantastic he is the one missing out on you. His worst fear is that you have forgotten all about him, you never think about him, you hate his guts, and you've moved on with some hunky, rich, romantic man who wants to marry you and be the father of your children!
Essie, you are wonderful. I might have to print this out and have it on hand so my responses are prepared. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to my fears and assuaging them. You are so reassuring!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I am feeling some peace just the past hour or two... some real strength and clarity. The vision of a new relationship that builds on my new strengths.
