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I would think a gift or a phone call would be much more in his face than an email.. but sometimes I wonder how logical I am these days.

OK GUYS, this is CRAZY.... here we are talking about how to reach out to my b, and then, I HEARD FROM MY B TODAY. after almost five months. !!!!!!!!!!)#(@*$(#*%)(!$)%&!$)(&%)$!&%)*!$%&)!*!!!

Sorry I am feeling really "raw" and a little crazy and exhausted so excuse me if I am not super organized...

So we don't need to worry about where he is or what his mailing address is, because when I opened up my mailbox this afternoon, there was a small bubble mailer package from him. With his NYC address as the return address. I got really excited, thinking, is this a present?! Or a letter so long and big he needed to put it in a bubble mailer instead of an envelope??

Inside was a plain piece of white paper with the following note:

Transformer,

Here is your key -- I'm sorry I didn't get it to you sooner. I hope you are doing well.

Boyfriend

Carefully taped to the back of the paper is his key to my apartment here in atlanta. Other observations: His handwriting on the envelope looks wobblier and different than usual. There are lots of stamps, it is clearly packaged with care. I can't see the postmark so I don't know exactly when he mailed it.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???????

At first I felt: excited, then disappointed, then angry. I waited to so long to hear from him, and then the note is so short, so hard to "read" what it means. And he was with me for almost 5 years, and then can't even write "Dear Transformer", just "Transformer"? I teared up a little bit and started to get really emotional. I started to feel completely crazy, like I was getting that fight or flight feeling even though I was just reading a note and looking at an envelope. I started to feel totally panicked, crazy, like sliding back into that tunnel I was in oct-nov right around the time of the bombs, where I couldn't really eat or sleep or think straight, and just felt this crazy physical insane energy coursing through my body.

I went back to school and basically announced to a bunch of fellow cellists what had happened and showed them the envelope. Then I met with a new tutoring student, it went well, but I think I gave him some seriously weird vibes, I think i was very "focused and businessy" instead of my normal extremely relaxed math demeanor, but at least I didn't cry or anything, and I think he will become a regular client despite the timing.

Went back to school for a rehearsal, which went really really well. My cello sounds awesome. My ensemble was taking all kinds of risks that we never had before. Because we're communicating and supporting each other, the way we relate to each other is being transformed without having to talk about it. The energy and the feeling is fixing a lot of the "musical problems." Especially encouraging because yesterday was my first day back with my instrument after almost 3 weeks of no playing and I felt like I sucked a$$ but today I am feeling much better about myself.

He did NOT have to send me this key. Why did he send me a key and not, for example, the almost-transparent nightie I kept at his house for sleepovers??? Why did he send this to me now, after almost five months of no contact?

Even though I was initially disappointed, I tried to slow down and Think Like Michele. I remembered the last time he wrote me, he wrote:

Transformer,

Thank you for sending my mail [I sent him a package of mail that had been accidentally forwarded to my house]; I recieved the package. I talked with the post office [about how his mail kept being forwarded to my house] and they promised it wouldn't happen again, for the third time.

--Boyfriend

Even though what he wrote today was NOT like something he would have written when we were *together*, it is very different because in today's note he wrote, "Here is your key--I'm sorry I didn't get it to you sooner" (expression of remorse, for something I never asked him to do). "I hope you are doing well." (expression that he cares about how I am doing, at some basic level).

So maybe, somewhere deep inside that, is a tiny little spec of love somewhere.

One of my goals that would show that he might be "turning" was that he would contact me for some reason. And he did. Baby step?

OK... So I had a big heart to heart with one of my close girlfriends about what this means. She said, she feels like she is very similar to my B in being a somewhat passive communicator. She suggested that he probably agonized over this for a long time before doing it, and then agonized over what exactly to write for a long time. She said, TO HER, it seemed like something SHE would do that would mean, "I haven't heard from you, I don't know where you're at or whether you're happy or whether you hate me, but I miss you and I want to talk to you somehow, I don't know how you will respond, so I will reach out but without exposing myself at all, by writing the most neutral note possible." She said it was like he was throwing a rock at me from within his impenetrable castle walls.

How should I respond???

My friend said half jokingly that I could mail him his underwear (I still have about 20 pairs of man underwear here in my apt from when we would have sleepovers) with a note very similar to what he wrote to me, but slightly varied. But mail the underwear *one pair at a time*, so after the third pair or something, with a simililar kind of note, he might start to get the joke and laugh about it.

He put the ball in my court... what do I do now? How long can I wait before it becomes weird?? you know I like to dELIBERATE before taking action.... I am thinking about mailing him something since he mailed me something. It could be something of his that I have, or something funny to share. I know everyone says "send an email, send an email" but to me it just seems so impersonal. We barely ever emailed each other when we were together, except for a couple times when we were traveling and the phone was not possible, or he wanted to send me a "letter" and wanted it to get to me faster than the mail.

that is the update, ladies and gentlemen. I feel so tired... I can't believe how crazy this can make me feel, I thought I was so over that crazy feeling... Good thing I spent the past 5 months strengthening myself.

((((((HUGS))))))))
T

Wow, what are the chances that your B would contact you when that's all that's been discussed on your new thread! Timing is very cosmic!

Well, now that he mailed you something.. I personally think it wouldn't be out of the question to mail him something in return.. but I have to say I don't really think that an email is necessarily impersonal.. it was a good way to reach out in a non-threatening or non-pressuring way.. But as I said, he has paved the way by way of the postal service..

I thought the underwear idea was very cute/funny.. but I'm kind of a quick wit and a little sarcastic person so I'm not sure that I'm a very good judge on if it's the right choice!

(((T)))
W2G

W2G!!!

Yay!!! I am so happy to hear your thoughts. I was just talking about the underwear idea with a friend on the phone and she laughed really hard and got excited. But then I thought, maybe it doesn't make sense to explain it over the computer. But it made sense to you!! I am so glad we can connect even through computer screens!!!


(((HUGS)))
T

YAY!!!! How crazy is that!! He made contact!!!! YAY!!!

I'm so happy for you cause you have a legit excuse to reach out to him now, he made the first move.

Dont go reading anything into it except he does think about you.

What should you do? I say call him! Call him just to say hi thanks I got the key, that was thoughtful of you and I appreciate that.... ask how he is doing, and let him know your life is great and you are an attractive person. Tell him if he is ever near where you live he should drop by so that you can catch up in person. And really just listen to him and be interested in what he is doing. Just be a good friend!

You can do it! (posting stuff by mail is too long and wishy washy). You are only old friends catching up, you dont have to open yourself up to anything more than that. You are only trying to re-establish some contact. It doesnt have to mean anything more (to either of you!)

Dont wait too long! Get your head together and call him. Actually wait to see what OD and Ali and Kalni say, but apart from that just do it baby!

I'm absolutely thrilled for you that he broke the ice. Most exciting news this week!! YAY!!

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! T this is such great news! I am so happy for you that B made contact! I can't believe the coincidence aswell considering that we've all been talking about contacting him the past few days!

So, I agreee with Essie- I wouldn't wait too long to contact him now that he's made contact with you. What's your gut feeling about how to do it? Having read your thoughts about the e-mail thing, I can see why you might not want to go down that route (although I did think it was interesting that you and B didn't communicate much by e-mail before because of it seeming impersonal- did B think that too? Maybe in the future, using it might be a 180? )

So I love the pants idea- that is funny and clever, but I would probably wait a while to start mailing pants to him. I guess putting myself in his shoes, he might expect to get a gentle contact from you back, perhaps letting him know how you're getting on and that you're thinking about him. Also, sending his pants in the post might send a signal of you not wanting them- let him ask for them from you and you can say something sexy/cheeky in response, like "would he like the ones you've been wearing aswell?". Have you got some of those gifts of real giving at the ready that you could send with a note?

I am thinking a bit out loud here, but if you were to send something in the post, would you be able to send something that would encourage a response? I guess we need to get a dialogue going, so encouraging a response would be good, especially now that he has broken cover. A phone call as Essie suggests would obviously do that pretty well, but maybe it would be nice to work up to that subtly (but not too subtle!). A path of baby steps, I think, would be the way to go. Oh, like a trail of cheese for the doormouse to eat.

OK, my lurgi is affecting my brain. I'd better stop writing now. Congratulations T- I am SO HAPPY for you!

L.xx

I'm actually in shock! Thats astounding T..doesnt the universe work in funny ways??? Just at the very moment that yuo start a new post, finally finally saying, ok, how do I contact him, I am going to...and wham, he writed to you! Its just incredible, you must have been so shocked.

I completely agree with your assesment that his letter is above and beyond the last one and he neednt of bothered and that also, it seems that sending yuo back a key (a sort of deemed important item that you could legitametly return to someone) is perhaps a "way" of contacting you, an excuse. He could have sent it to your Mums address or something (I did this with an ex bf who I didnt want to speak to). I dont know what advice to give on responding as I am literally amazed, gobsmacked and speechless (clearly not, looking at the length of this post!). And now you have his address! Let me think..

um...suppose, try not to get too excited...dont leave it too long to reply, I'd say within a week.. I agree then that email isnt your thing and if yu dont feel comfortable with that dont bother.. dont send the book just yet (its a thoughtful present, save it for his birthday! Even if contact tails off a bit after your response now, yuo still have that up your sleeve for May).

I agree with OneDay..he ASKED yu if you are doing alright. It wasnt exactly phrased as a question, but people dont say these things if they arent subconciously inviting an answer - so tell him, keep it light and cheery and positive and all that (dont go too mad! Yuo dont want him to think you're having the time of your life since he left and embarress him into never contacting you again...he may not be doing so well himself?!)

I'm so thrilled for you. Good things come to those that wait...

Ali xxxx