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Hi Jay, I think I referred to you having girls, but I see they are boys. Well, if you are going to have to raise them, maybe that is best that they are. I wish I could be encouraging to you Jay. You are so hurt and angry right now and you have every right to be. We all respond to these crisis in our lives differently. But, I do want to reply to one statement you made.



I can see how that would seem to a LBS....especially a man that is usually a "fixer" and wants it fixed "right now"! The real strength comes in sticking it our Jay. Sure it hurts to leave a M, but to turn your back on her now and leave the M (I know she was the one that walked away...but it is still your choice to leave the M.) is easier than to stay and really work at healing and peicing it back together.

I don't know, but sometimes I think that it would have been easier for me to start an entire new life with another person than to try to heal what I had here. But then I look back over the many years we've been together and our family and I can't do it. I can't walk away from what I know is right in my heart....even if it is tough. It is far from laying down and doing nothing Jay. It is work.....hard work. But, you have to have the right frame of mind to do it. And.....somewhere in your wedding vows you feel that you didn't sign up for this part of what happens in M sometimes. I am not critisizing you......just rephasing what you said and how a lot of people feel about it. That is why it has to be a personal choice. If you know that you are not going to hang in here for the long haul, then that has to be your decision. If the shoe was on the other foot, would she stick it out for you? Just curious.

I know I hurt my H and family. I disappointed them terribly...even though I did not walk away. I was so totally reversed from who I really was and always had been. Nobody ever trusted another person as much as my H and I trusted each other. Then I destroyed that. That is my punishment that I will have to live with. Even though he is showing me that he trusts me again, I still feel that he wonders from time to time if I will backslide again and in a moment of weakness, have another EA. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, just rambling.....sorry. It takes a lot of healing and a lot of work. Nobody gets by with the wrong that has been done.....everyone hurts b/c of it. And, Jay, nobody gets to lay down while the other continues to do what ever they want.....not if the M is going to survive.

Best wishes to you and your family. I pray for you all b/c I know the pain is so horrible. Please let us know what you decide to do.

Sandi

Thanks for your reply Sandi. Some good stuff in there for sure. I really do not know what I will do or how this will work out. While I am angry with my wife for walking out on her kids, I am glad that she did not take them with her. I have to keep reminding myself that if nothing else, in the situation at least I have my boys and I know that I can give them the love and support that she can't. I don't know what she is doing, but God does. I want to try because I don't believe in divorce, or at least I did not before this happened. I don't want my kids to have to deal with divorce because they are the ones who become the victims. This has only been two months but all the things she said she would do have not happened. She said she would be by to see them every day...more like once or twice a week if lucky. The same with phone calls. She said she would support them by buying food and paying for child care....not happening. I can afford to care for my kids and they are making out ok without her, but I wonder if that is god or bad for her future relationship with them. I am just shocked that this woman who was the most doting and caring mother can just walk away. I would be equally surprised if she just walked away from me with no kids involved because of the kind of relationship we had but I am an adult and I can deal with it. But when I think of the kids it just blows my mind.

Either she has totally lost her self and maybe her mind or she is dealing with some serious guilt.


In case any of you that are not familiar with my sit, her mother did the same thing to her and her brother when she was young. She has had no contact with her mother since. Scary huh.....

Yes it is kind of scary. History repeating itself! Wow! I've heard that happens quite often, but I'm sure it would take a professional to explain why.

I've said this before to somebody else, but I wish couples would try for a longer separation before getting D. Now-a-days they just jump right into a D so quickly. Sometimes a S can help a lot. You get away from that person until they can work out whatever it is going on with them and they find themselves again. The only problem is that often times the LBS is ready to move ahead in their lives without them. Again, it is the individual's decision.

You have a right to be angry. She has caused a lot of hurt and who knows how much damage to the boys. I am so glad you are there for them. They may need somebody they can talk to that isn't related to them......a Pastor, counselor, or somebody. Kids sometimes will talk about their true feelings to others before they will to the ones they love. They probably don't want to say anything to hurt or upset you more, so they may not be saying anything and keeping it all inside. That's not good for them. You might want to think about somebody you trust to guide them through some of this bad stuff they are experiencing.

God bless. I sure hope things get better soon.

Sandi

Thanks Sandi, my little one is only 5 and he is OK. The only thing I worry about with him is that he used to be so attached to my wife and now he barely speaks of her at all. He does not say he missed mommy or ask when she is coming over anymore. When she is here she has little interaction with them and I fear he is detaching in his own little way. My oldest is the one I would like to have someone else talk to. He tries to act strong with me but I know he feels the rejection. He was off of school this entire week and he text her the other day and she did not respond to him. The strangest thing is that she is friendly and nice to me but is still kinda cold with them. Maybe it is her guilt, I don't know. I did call my oldest son's school and asked that a counselor speak with him. I met with his teachers and let them know what is going on as well. I am trying to do the best in this sit. I am really starting to think that it would be better if she just had no contact with them until she can give them the love and affection they deserve when she is here but I wont dare suggest that to her. She would get angry and think I was trying to come between her and her kids. I just don't want them to be hurt.

I also want to make it known that although I am not happy in my sit, I am thankful for what I have because I know it could be so much worse for me.

Thanks again for the time and words of wisdom and encouragement.

Again, I suppose only a professional could explain why she would be more friendly toward you than her children, expecially the youngest. I'm glad you spoke to the school counselor and I hope your son will open up. He probably will be the one to be the most resentful toward her. The five year old is more easily to adjust and to forgive.