Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Baby steps in the right direction (thread 3)

Wow klm, I really can relate to what you are saying. I feel right now like I am mourning the loss of a child I never had. H and I were supposed to start trying this month (as per the conversation we had back in October after my last gyno appointment). H always wanted to have kids, but I kept putting it off for reasons. But I was ready and now H acts like neither one of us ever wanted kids. It hurts, doesn't it?

If I was just dating my H and not married, this R would have been long done with. He isn't the man I married at all. He is far from it. Sometimes I see the "old" him sneak into my life now and then. Most of the time he isn't there. He is a depressed and bitter person who is extremely lazy. Not the highly motivated and compassionate man I met 7 years ago.

I wish I had some great words to tell you...but I don't. Just keep working at it. I don't think you should give up because I believe the man you married is still in there somewhere.

Sara

Yeah, it is strange how it hurts that H acts like neither one of us ever wanted kids. It is really weird that he feels that way now. I mean he is strongly against it...makes me wonder what changed in such a short period of time. Even if everything was perfect I would still want to wait a few years....but I would like to have the option!

I was just thinking this last night. If we weren't married, this would have been over about 8 months ago!

I see this to from time to time...it is the only think that makes we want to keep trying. Although, as those times are fewer and farther between...I question if the "old" him will ever be back for good. I don't like this new person at all.

You both have changed over the last year. I think part of the problem is you have come a long way, and he is trying to catch up.

As always, the perpetual mantra is patience. Your wonderful H is in there somewhere, and in the long run it can be well worth the pain and frustration.

If you really are getting to a point where you are seriously, consistently thinking that you may want D after all, I think you owe it to him to talk to him about what would need to change to make the R/M work.

Michelle's right. You know it, too. Remember when you saw him not too long ago? Remember seeing your best friend?

He's still there.

(((((((klm)))))))

Thanks Michelle and GF.

Yes, we have both changed in the past year. ...But I guess my problem right now is...what if he never catches up? What if this is him now? People change and it is not always for the better. I know he is in there somewhere, I guess now it depends on how patient I can be.

I just can't help but wonder if the only reason he is being as nice as he is right now is because I am helping him with his bills. He can't really afford to lose me right now...otherwise he would be living at his parents and would have nothing to drive. I just wonder if he didn't need me right now if I would hear from him at all.

I don't WANT a D...but I AM contemplating it. I would definitely talk to him before I did anything drastic. I don't know, maybe I just need some space for a little while.

I just had another thought. I think my H is cake eating a little. He gets to live alone...have me help with his bills...go out with me when he wants. It is like he has the relationship with no responsibility in it.

He doesn't have to worry about the house we haven't sold. He doesn't have to worry about the upkeep of it (bills, lawn, etc.). He has the good part of married life minus the stresses. Why would he want this arrangement to change?

Should I pull the plug on all the help I am giving him? Should I tell him that unless HE can make the car payment on his own he has to sell the car? Am I making it to easy on him?

I guess I thought at first that I was showing him how much I care about him by helping him. I think it was working like that at first as he really showed his gratitude and I didn't mind helping. Now it seems he is taking me for granted. He goes out to eat almost every day, he has drinks, and just spends the money he has on fun things. It isn't outrageous spending or anything...but if I couldn't pay my rent or car payment...there would be no eating out or drinks(BTW, he couldn't even pay his electricity bill this month)...I would probably be a hermit and would be eating ramon noodles. Am I doing more harm than good by helping him?

Klm,

We are in the exact same boat here. I am doing ALL of the work around the house. Cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills. H just sits around and watches TV, works on his paintings and listens to his music. I know the main reason he is living here with me is because he would be living on the streets otherwise. He doesn't make enough money to live on his own (or so he says). So in the meantime, I pay his car payment, buy him toothpaste and things, and pay all the bills. He has to pay for his cell phone and student loan. I notice that his student loan bill hasn't been paid in 2 months.

In a way I don't mind doing these things for him. And he does take notice and thank me for cleaning and stuff. But I dont' know if it is any help to him.

So if you figure out what to do about it, please pass the info on to me.

Sara

H does thank me and I don't have an ulterior motive when I help him. ...Well, maybe I did at first, I think at first I was willing to do anything to get him to move here and away from OW. I have just started wondering if I am making things too easy for him. At this point I don't know why he would want things to change.

Ok...venting here: His cell phone is in OW's name...which drives me insane. His bill is double mine. It is in her name because we used to have cingular...his last bill with them was over $500! This was because he was talking to OW so much...so he didn't pay it, canceled his service ($175 termination fee), and got a phone with sprint (which is what OW has...that way they had M2M minutes). Because he didn't pay his cingular bill he couldn't even qualify for the cell phone so OW put it in her name. I refuse to pay anything on that bill...but I guess he is able to pay it since I am helping with other things.

Sara, I'll let you know if I figure out what to do about this...but I don't imagine I'll have it figured out anytime soon.

Perhaps it is time to have a talk with him - tell him that since he is working two jobs and paying off old debts, he needs to start paying his own way. Obviously in a nicer way. Perhaps even turn it into a hardship for you - I'm having trouble keeping up with our house plus my own bills plus yours and I'd appreciate it if you would start paying more and more of your stuff each month.

I totally appreciate your generosity and willingness to help him out. But if he really needs to be independent and feel like a competent adult as part of his growth, he needs to take care of his own finances.

Well, I called H on my lunch break...for two reasons. First my mother's washer is broken and I need to wash clothes in a bad way so I thought I would ask if I could use H's. Second, when H moved here he didn't bring the lawnmower or the weedeater with him. Someone I used to work with wanted to buy them so I was calling to see if he left them in the garage or the storage building.

On the lawnmower/weedeater...he had to fess up that he gave them to OW when he left. I suspected this, it just irritates me that he told me they were at the house...he could have said when I asked about them that he gave them away and left it at that...but whatever I guess no reason to dwell on that now.

So, when I asked about using his washer he said very excitedly..."Of course you can use my washer!! Just call me when you get of work." Followed by "...I need to ask you a favor too." He sounded really sad when he said that. He said "I have no groceries...I feel horrible asking you this, but do you mind if we go get some groceries today? I only had money to buy a bag of chips at lunch today." Hmmmm....maybe he shouldn't have bought that beer last weekend.

So anyway, he hasn't gotten a paycheck for the job he just started...he said hopefully he will get one Friday. Plus he hasn't been able to work both jobs because the times don't work out...but he is scheduled to work at the restaurant on both of his off days this week. SO, since he hasn't been at the restaurant and hasn't gotten a paycheck since he started (about 2 weeks)...I can understand why he has no money. I will give him the benefit of the doubt until he starts getting that paycheck.

Next month he should be able to pay all his bills himself. If he can't pay the car payment on his salary then he will have to sell it. Plain and simple. I will give him until he starts getting his paycheck...then there is no more help. You are right Michelle, if he needs to be independent then taking care of his own finances is part of it. I really feel like I am dealing with a child here.