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Hey fig,

I actually thought of posting the same question to you as I did to RMG, but you beat me to it with your response.

I know you are in a R and have been for a while. I remember the debate on the board.

Thanks for chiming in, I'm simply seeking input. Where it leads me.....

Steve

RMG,

Thanks for the input. I'll put it under my hat and hopefully absorb something!

Steve

I agree with Fig, and I wonder how long others - Barb for instance - think a person should wait.

One big thing I have learned from posting on the bb - both giving and receiving advice - is that we can only advise based on our own experience. Since we grow to care about each other here, we do not want to see our friends get hurt, so we try to "save" them. However, we cannot assume that their situation is identical to what we've been through, or that they will go through the healing process the same way.

There are people here who have healed, yet do not want to get into another R. Does this mean that they are not really healed? If not, then why is it that someone who is healed and wants to get into a R is considered "not ready"? How many years is a person supposed to wait?

I, for one, am happy on my own, but I still want to be in a R - with the right person. I am not jumping into anything. However, there seems to be an assumption of many people on the bb that if a person even wants a R, they are not ready for one.

I wonder if at least some of this isn't based on the fact that many of us had our Ss leave for someone else, and we don't want to accept the fact that they may well be very happy in their new Rs. We want to convince ourselves that they made a bad choice, so we tell anyone who doesn't wait "long enough" that they are making a choice. I say this b/c I know that I was quite upset when people from the BB got together at first, but I see now that - in my case - this was really due to an element of jealousy and a wish to prove, somehow, that my ex was wrong in his decision and could never be happy with his new gf.

I also take issue with the notion of "when you're not looking, it will happen." Personally, I don't think it will happen unless you are looking at least in the sense that you are open to it. If you are not open to it, you will not pick up on the possibilities.

I know I may have offended some people here, but again, we can only post based on our own experience, and this is mine.

~ Nicola

Amen, Nicola.... Amen!

We each are our own masters. Only we can choose our paths and how we adapt to each road we travel. We can be pro-active and reactive from this point forward. I believe we all forgot the pro-active part long ago and have re-discovered it's purpose.

Thanks for your perspective. It always enlightens me!

Steve

Excellent Nicola!

I think people who say you're not ready are often functioning from a place of fear. They cannot imagine it and so they project that onto you.

Of course there is a chance you will get hurt again. In fact, chances are you will get hurt again, a little. But it is all for the greater good and that is to find the person with whom you can share a great and meaningful love with.

Good luck to all of us in finding our kindred spirit. I too am ready and long for it to happen.

Love,
A

Who wants some one who leaves their spouse, screws around, THEN decides he/she wants to come back to the M? It is like... Honey, you are much better than OW... But, I had to "test drive" her a few times..... That is NASTY in so many ways....




Please, be PROACTIVE in seeking whatever you want in life.... If you want a new R, look ACTIVELY.... I looked everywhere I could for the EXACT woman I wanted... My exW hooked up with the first clown at her work.... Many people spend more time researching and buying a new car than they do a partner.... They just take whatever comes their way.... It is very sad......

RMG

Fig- no truer words!! you are smart girl, are you a teacher or sumfin? lol

I agree w/ Fig- when I first started dating- I looked at each of the men thinking of them as potential partners, I had a good friend here from the boards to tell me STOP, to just enjoy their company, think of it as maybe meeting a new friend.

I realzied after 6 months of dating I was not ready- I just wanted someone at that time to make the pain go away, make me feel like I was of worth after what ex did.

I stopped dating for 2 yrs, found a job, met a whole new set of great friends and really reallllly liked being single again! S was off at college, I could do what i wanted, when i wanted!

Then when I decided to just date casually, like my friend had said, lo and behold I met the most wonderful man- and i LOVE being w/ him, more then I love doing anything, he wasnt someone to hang with if my gf were w/ their hubbys, I really wanted to spend all my time w/ him, he had become my best friend, my ally in this sometimes scary world! He is everything I wanted in a partner and thats what we both want, to be partners. No rush, as our children are all grown and no new ones on the horizon lol
but I do know with him I have what I sadly didnt have, looking back w/ my ex. ( maybe getting married at 24 wasnt a good idea afer all)

Anyway, just my 2 cents, I know some think I am crazy, just a few scant 6 yrs after my ex left, but like fig said ,,everyone has their own time line, no one NO one can tell you when, or why you will be ready

I do know I wish everyone here who wants to stay single and those who would like to be in a R one day everything they want, cause we all deserve it!

OH this too!
so very true

I use to think if it was my opinon , it had to be right!! lol my ex was right about me in that
regard , how annoyign i must of been lol

Everyone acts ont thier own life experiences, who are we to say whats right or wrong for them? Yes, we can advice, we can nag, scold, but in the end, its their lives and what may be not right for you, dosnt mean it isnt for them. NO matter even what the polls say, we know they are not always right either.

I need to work on this better myself. New goal.

Happy Sunday everyone!

Just thought i would bump this to the top to see if there were any other views on the subject.

Steve

I had to review this thread to make sure I hadn't already responded (at least under my other name). I didn't see any comments from me, so forgive me if I wrote and this is repetitious.

Obviously everyone is different; in how long the process takes, and how they choose to deal with future relationships. Maybe it's just my impression, but women seem to be a little more willing to open themselves up again then men are. Correct me if I'm wrong ladies.

For me, and from other guys I've known as well that have gone through this, trying again is more of a "thinking thang" I don't think there is giddy fireworks the next time around....it's enjoyable, the love grows, but it isn't the silly, "gotta see you all the time to the exclusion of all else" type of love. I was initially very scared of being hurt again. I was afraid to commit my whole heart for fear that it would get stomped on. At the first sign of trouble, I was ready to bolt. If dumped, I'd just accept it and plan to move forward. I can honestly say now that those things were a major detriment to my next relationship. It's something that your next partner can sense. After losing my second wife, and going through this, I do know that it was the fear of loss, and keeping a little bit of myself back, that killed things. With her back, I still get that fear sometimes, but I'm much more open to the chance that I'll get hurt again, because I know that you have to love big to win big.

Gotta go, I guess I'll do it later.