Frank, I really wish that woman would get out of your house.
If I say anymore it's going to be ugly so I'll just shut up and keep wishing you well.
I always like to hear your 'ugly' comments as well as your 'pretty' ones.
Last night she came back to get her toothbrush and other stuff she forgot. She was all pleasant and nice. This morning she came home to shower up and get herself breakfast. Nobody got up while she was here so she was alone.
Me, I'm sitting here feeling hopeless about life. Financially it looks bleak. I think I will lose the house unless a miracle happens. It isn't that money cannot be earned, it's that I am so overwhelmed emotionally that it's so hard to focus. Anxiety eats me up a lot of the day. The Lexapro seems to be slowly helping but it's tough.
What was she thinking? That if she just said "I'm done, I want to be happy!" everything would magically change? I guess she didn't think that I was 'really' in a depression. Or that doing what she's doing would knock me down when I was trying to get up again.
I try to be pleasant but I just want to UNLOAD on her, tell her what a selfish, irresponsible, stupid a-hole she is. But really, would that help? Nope, she'd just get her friends to validate how 'sick' Frank is, how he's 'lashing out' or some other stupidity.
'F' her. I hate this, I hate that I hurt all the time and it interferes with my focus. It's been going on for so long I don't know what it feels like to have peace in my life.
GOD DAMN HER SHE REALLY F'KED ME WHEN I WAS DOWN. She "Doesn't want to be a wife any more?" WHEN was she going to START?
Do you know that anger at her suggests you are finally starting to give more of a damn about yourself and TRULY STARTING TO BE OFFENDED (this is RIGHTEOUS anger if you keep it reigned in) by the way she treats you and your girls.
Whether feels like it or not, you are starting to turn a corner.
I try to be pleasant but I just want to UNLOAD on her, tell her what a selfish, irresponsible, stupid a-hole she is. But really, would that help? Nope, she'd just get her friends to validate how 'sick' Frank is, how he's 'lashing out' or some other stupidity.
'F' her. I hate this, I hate that I hurt all the time and it interferes with my focus. It's been going on for so long I don't know what it feels like to have peace in my life.
GOD DAMN HER SHE REALLY F'KED ME WHEN I WAS DOWN. She "Doesn't want to be a wife any more?" WHEN was she going to START?
I don't deserve this. I don't.
use your anger to drive yourself focusing on you. don't allow yourself to wallow in it focusing on her.
a little bit of anger doesn't hurt anyone, it cleans your system out....
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Do you know that anger at her suggests you are finally starting to give more of a damn about yourself and TRULY STARTING TO BE OFFENDED (this is RIGHTEOUS anger if you keep it reigned in) by the way she treats you and your girls.
You have been more caring and concerned for HER than you have yourself, even through her BS. Normally, to be self-sacrificing is a good thing - in a HEALTHY relationship where both parties are each other's priority and it balances out - in this case, it has been to your detriment. And severely so. You ought to be getting angry and anger can be productive and it can also be the first sign towards healing. In your case, while there is certainly a long, long way to go - the anger suggests to me that you are pulling out of the nosedive. That's not to say this isn't still going to hurt and be hard as hell, it just says I have been very worried for you and while I'm still reserved, I see the light at the end of your tunnel even if you don't.
ok, I guess 'righteous' is the point of confusion. I think I hear what you are saying now. Thanks.
I know that I made a lot of mistakes, but I also know now that I wasn't in any position to deal with everything I was dealing with back then. And I can see that she just simply does not get it, does not see where I am at, or where I WAS at. She just sees me as the source of her unhappiness, and she has no responsibility for me whatsoever. Only for herself, and to some extent the kids.
Frank - You weren't able to deal with things. SHE'S not able to deal with things. She's no more or less screwed up than you were/are.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Let go of this resentment, let go of HER,and just start paddling for yourself, okay, hon?
Perseverating on how she let you down is NOT helping you. Focusing on what she is or isn't doing is not helping you. You can't change the past, but you CAN create a better future for yourself.
First of all I offer huge apologies for not keeping up and available lately. Last week was spring break, with Deb and the kids coming in town for an extended visit. We haven't seen each other for some time, so we've really enjoyed getting to be together, and the kids are enjoying each others company.
As for you, I'm sorry the lexapro isn't quite doing the whole job just yet, but hopefully it will improve. Surely if you go another week or so without the level of effectiveness you are hoping for, your doctor would be willing to try something else. I'm glad you're willing to use it just to get your feet firmly planted under you again.
I've told you before my take on your wife's current state. She has spent some time convincing herself internally that it is right and ok to leave you and abandon the marriage. If she has anything even close to normal sensibilities about this in the past, it took her some time to get this all rationalized out in her mind. She also has gravitated towards people who are similarly touchy feely SELF people, people who will be quick to applaud her positive steps toward realizing her own personal happiness, conveniently bypassing any thought or consideration of how others attached to the family are affected.
They all, as I believe AmyC first pointed out to you, are living deceptions of happiness. In my mind, this is all nothing more than a house of cards that will never hold up to the reality of life alone. And hey, these same people who applaud her now are also among the most shallow individuals around, and they will NOT be the ones reaching out to her when she eventually begins to sink.
So yes, right now she appears all together, seems to have a great support network, seems to know just what she wants and doesn't want, and seems perfectly at peace with it. I see her and her friends as not at all unlike those who must have laughed their asses off at Noah and his family while they were doing the whole ark building, animal gathering thing. For some reason the question "How long can you tread water?" keeps coming to mind.
Now for you. I guess I too am glad to see you being a bit indignant at how your wife has carried (or not carried) her load in this marriage. At the same time, I'm wishing a whole lot that you could find a way to somehow relegate her to the BACK of your mind so that you could get on with the business of Frank and his kids. Maybe that's where I agree with Amy that there was someway, anyway to get her out of the house and out of your line of site. I'll say it again, this woman is TOXIC to you and does nothing but impede any progress you might otherwise be able to make.
It's funny. The MLC board is full of these little snippets posted by our moderators these days that tell us how we SHOULD be advising people. I think most of us on your thread are violating about all of them. Either we're totally screwed up, or they're totally clueless of what the MLC mess is all about.
Never advise a person to get rid of their spouse? Hmmm....
Well, you know me and my thoughts Frank. I've never ruled out a positive outcome AT SOME POINT DOWN THE LINE, but for now? You NEED this woman out of your life and out of your mind. The most important order of business for FRANK right now is to find your way to some peace of heart and mind. She only makes this more difficult, if not darned near impossible.
Less focus on her. She is a roommate. And actually, the kind of roommate that you DON'T plan on signing a new lease with next time.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
