Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life 5

I'm trying to minimize it because the guy is large, old enough to be her father, not attractive, and basically a nice enough guy who has been part of the 'spiritual group' she hangs around with because he is basically lonely and hurt since his W dies last year. I would be hard pressed to think there is anything beyond that 'friend' thing because I've met the guy and he's incredibly dull. Seriously, we're talking OLD and big and dull. Even her 'God light' friend has difficulty dealing with him sometimes.

She came home early, instead of maybe going out for 'coffee or something' and that's about it. In MY mind I'd like to think of it as meaningless, she's so bored that this is the best she can do? An old guy who is a lonely friend on a Saturday night?

Instead I get people trying to tell me she's all over him, implying he's going to be the next 'Sugar Daddy', etc, etc..

How do you think that makes me feel? I have enough fears and anxieties as it is.

I went over to visit her Dad and Step Mom last night and they agreed with me when I mentioned this except they added that 'if she's bored why doesn't she find something to do with the kids instead of leaving them home?'

To ME, that is the real issue.

As I was saying, I went over to her Dad's and talked with them for an hour or so. Step Mom (SM) said that when they had dinner with her and the girls the other night she was just taken aback by the complete lack of any sadness or other feelings in W. She was saying that she just couldn't imagine how, after 20 years of being in a relationship that she wouldn't have SOME sadness or grief.

She also thought the 'separate households' Easter brunch story was incredible, saying that she is living in some weird fantasy world that will eventually crash down on her. And they both still say I should get away from her as fast as I can and get healthy, find someone else who is healthy.

When I was questioning what kind of man would be attracted to her who is in her age bracket (40) and is unmarried, SM suggested that a recently divorced or otherwise hurt / lonely guy would find her the be a great match because she is 'soft hearted' and would be able to nurture / rescue someone like that.

As long as they had money or at least no BIG emotional problems.

Anyway, she didn't have her brunch this morning. The girls got up and had their breakfasts on their own. W had their baskets set up and hid some plastic eggs. Nobody bothered to wake me up so I missed the events, not a big deal just kind of rude.

W took of to go hang with her friends at the Spiritual center for todays service on 'new beginnings' as she continues with the destruction she's causing in our family. Of course, the 'friends' have no idea about her destructive activities 2 years ago, her affair, her crash, and all the things I did to hold it all together that eventually destroyed me.

D17 asked me if it was ok for her to go hang with her boyfriend and his family today instead of going somewhere with me and D12, and I said that was fine. She has gotten in with a great group of friends now and it's keeping her happy. D12 and I are going to go on some kind of adventure today after W gets home and I can get the Prius from her.

I think that the neighbor may have got his flight out of town so she can go stay there the rest of the week.

I keep thinking that I want to tell her what she's doing is destructive, and how she's made it worse for us financially by kicking me down into a deeper hole with no support to get out of it. Or tell her 'friends' the real history that she doesn't talk about, thinking that if they had a real perspective that they might actually be 'helpful'.

But instead I realize that it's not going to matter because she won't choose to change herself until staying 'the same' becomes unbearable. and that may never happen because she could always find an enabler to allow her to remain the same forever.

I guess for me, it's hard to look at her and realize that the woman I thought I knew isn't that person at all. In my heart I knew she was troubled and I have always felt like I needed to protect her from the world. But I couldn't do that forever and also protect myself.

When I needed her to support me, she couldn't do it. Now, I can never trust that she will ever be there for me or for the family in any crisis. I have to let her go because she's gone already.

This is so sad for all of us, but Easter is a new beginning, a new life.

Frank,

Sorry, I did not mean to upset you. I don't buy the idea that she will always be able to find an enabler. This enabler will be required to provide financial support. Not everyone is looking for someone with low income to support, even in exchange for love.

Frank,

I too am sorry if I caused you anxiety. That was not my intention. I guess I'm wondering why you shared it with us. Did you think that it showed us a pathetic side of W? That's all she could get was some old Santa-looking dude? It almost seems as if you are making excuses for her...again. And maybe I need to clarify. Your wife's intention may have been altruistic or just an escape from boredom. I don't know. I do think there is at least a slight possibility that Santa may be lonely and vulnerable and have intentions other than friendship. How did he know that your W was house-sitting? She had to have shared that and other details of what is going on in her life or he never would have called her thinking she might "be bored". It's not right to string along this guy just so she won't be bored.

And before anyone points it out, I am very aware that men and women can be "just friends". I have many men friends. I'm just thinking this is not a good time for W to be exploring new friendships with men. Unless of course, she has done other activities with Santa in the past and this is nothing new (as far as the girls would go).

Regardless of intentions on either side, I agree with you and your in-laws that she should be spending time with her girls and not friends. Especially since she is working more and not seeing them very often. I hope your adventure with D went well. That was an awesome idea on your part.

No one here wants to cause you more anxiety. I do believe most people want you to look realistically at your life and situation. Stop trying to sugar coat your W's actions, your marriage, the mess you are in right now. It is what it is. Keep working on you and taking care of those great girls.

Hugs,
Spitfire

No, not that he is 'all she could get', but that the 'fun, happy person' she is supposed to be is only hanging around with needy, older friends she's met at the Spiritual center.

He knows because he's part of her group of about 5-6 friends from the Spiritual Center. He hangs around with the 'Light Guru' and the rest of them so he knows her, just like the others do. Maybe he's 'hopeful' but I doubt it. Besides, it's a stretch to think that. And I really don't WANT to think that right now. He probably sees her as a lonely friend also.
Yes, that is exactly true. He is part of this small 'group' that she hangs out with.

Yep. She should.

We had fun, we went to Griffith Park Observatory in L.A. ans saw the Planetarium show and al lthe new exhibits. She had a lot of fun.

I know nobodys intention was to cause me more anxiety, Sara was trying to be light hearted and you're trying to be realistic. I appreciate the concerns, it just struck a nerve.

Thank you both for caring.

Well, just got home from D12 and I going to the Observatory. I was in a bit of anxiety, I sure wish the drugs would help more.

Anyways, W was home, door was locked and she was in her room. She arranged with D12 to stay over with her at the other house tonight.

Then she asked me what D17's plans were since she isn't home. I said most likely the same as every other night this week. She stays at her boyfriends till 11, I pick her up. The W says "I'll call her and find out". I said that I'd call her to confirm since I'm picking her up. W insists she will call her and leaves the room.

So, I call D17, no answer. No problem she is probably out hiking or something. I tell W I called and no answer and she is huffy ans says that SHE will call her also.

Then she goes to leave and I asked her if she was taking a car to please take the minivan. She says 'Ya Vole!' and leaves in a huff.

It's so difficult. On the one hand I want to be nice and keep things nice, on the other hand she's hurting me, the kids, even the dogs. Even if she really HAS to leave the marriage, she could be a lot more caring about it. I mean, as StepMom said last night, if you've loved someone for 20 years you should at least put forth some effort to be decent towards them.

I'm sooo tired of this hurting every day. And the 'nice when I'm nice, mean when I'm even slightly off of nice'.

Frank,

When all my stuff happened I had a high amount of anxiety. I also had lost a lot of weight and have a thyroid problem which causes hightened anxiety. She put me on Prozac and within 10 days of taking it I almost had a complete breakdown. My neighbor had to take me to dr's office where I cried and vomited in the sink. I hadn't slept more than 2 hours in weeks. They wanted to hospitalize me due to all my vitals being wacky. But I pleaded no. I have to take care of my kids but husband can't. I think it was the prozac that worked wrong for me. I told her I am not depressed i just have anxiety. They changed me to Wellbutrin XL. I am a different person.

I am telling you all this because if the anxiety doesn't ease up please go back and see your dr. There are many drugs out there to try. My dr and the pamphlet that came with the prozac states "depression may worsen, and suicidal thoughts may develop". She said some of the meds don't work right with some peoples chemistry. Good luck finding the right one. The Wellbutrin has worked well for me. It got rid of the shaking torso feeling and I have started eating again. I lost 47 pounds since Jan. Not good!

Thanks so much Sandykay, I'm staying on top of this and luckily I have a DB friend who is a doctor to talk about this with.

Blessings and love to you,

frank

Your welcome, Frank. I see your sleep schedule is much like mine these days.

Love to you too,

Sandycay

Frank, I really wish that woman would get out of your house.

If I say anymore it's going to be ugly so I'll just shut up and keep wishing you well.



Amy