RTL, It is so sad your W is being so vindictive, you are on Spring Break and she could have been with a loving parent rather than Day Care.Why have her in daycare when a parent is home? I don't know where to read your whole sitch, but why is W so angry with you? Isn't she the one who had an OM? Or is she saying you caused her to do this?
I think she is so angry right now b/c she is supressing her guilt and shame. It really feels like a lot of projection to me. I'm doing my best to stay calm and view her as someone who is broken and needs repair. However, with her attitude like this, I don't see how I can ever get her to be nice to me, let alone think of loving me again.
I too think this is odd, Bizarre. She's the one w/ the OM, but yet EVERYTHING is my fault. She will not take accountability for ANYTHING. ZIP. Supposedly this 500 question true/false test we both have to take is excellent at picking up dishonesty and denial, so I'm curious to see how W scores, b/c owning up to things right now is not something she subscribes to.
As for my entire sitch, I think I've put links on all my threads. They are in "Newcomers" under Refuse To Lose, so I think you'll find them w/ a search of Refuse to Lose. If you can't get them, I'll figure out the link and put it in an upcoming post.
Anyway, here is our update from tonight. I drove across the entire valley to get D around 4:20. She showed me around the daycare facility and they do a very imprssive job, so I'm happy w/ the choice W made. It is stronger than the one she has been at, so again, I'm very pleased.
D was hungry and there was a McDonald's right there, so that ended up being her dinner. She ate like a horse - 4 nuggets, a cheeseburger, fries and her milk. Put it all away and she's still so rail thin. I'm jealous.
The interesting conversation came on the way home. Here it is:
I told D that I had her room almost put back together so she could sleep in her big girl bed again. She said she wanted to sleep w/ me b/c she was scared and I talked w/ her about these fears then said "you sleep in your big girl bed at your house w/ Mommy, so you need to do that same thing at your house w/ Daddy."
D replied: I've only done it a few times. I said, "you slept in your own big girl bed last night" and Grace replied, "no, I slept w/ Mommy last night."
Thus, W is berating me for sleeping w/ D when she is still doing it herself. Hypocrite.
D then asked me (unsolicited by me): "Daddy, if I get hot at night, can I take my clothes off?" I said, "Absolutely not. You always sleep w/ clothes on. You can get out of the covers, but you need to keep your clothes on."
D's response: "Mommy takes off my clothes if I'm hot." Me: "Well, that isn't what you do at Daddy's. If you are hot, you can sleep outside of the covers, but you always wear clothes in bed. Mommy and Daddy wear clothes to bed, so you need to as well."
I'm taking this as Good Cop/Bad Cop stuff and not putting much, if any, stock into it. However, W used this same exact conversation w/ D to try and paint me as a deviant. Unbelievable.
I don't see a method to her madness, so maybe that will end up working in my favor. Who really knows? All I know is that I'd pass any lie detector test b/c I tell the truth. What do I gain by being dishonest, even when I'm at fault? Nothing. I'm not sure the same truthfulness can be expected from my W.
Well, tomorrow we have a busy day, so I'll try again to post after D konks out. For now, I'm heading off to bed. I'll talk w/ you all later.
You have to do what is right for D and your conversation shows you are realizing you are talking to a 4 year old and reality sometimes gets mixed up with tidbits they hear on TV or adult conversations. Just do the right thing for her, which probably is her sleeping in a "big girl bed". You can't control what W does, just what you do. Maybe you should just drop the whole subject with W and let it blow over. I read in some of your posts that your W likes to drink. That may be part of the reason she comes up with all this stuff.
It took me awhile to find your new thread. Wow--your W has pulled out the big guns. You are handling it perfectly--venting here and following your lawyer's advice. I know that it is distasteful to record your conversations with your W, but if your lawyer advised it, do it. You're not actively doing anything to her, you are just preserving what she does.
I'm not going to bring up the "no clothes" thing w/ W, but I will mention it to the parenting evaluator b/c this isn't the 1st thing she's taken from D4 to be the absolute truth. W has also accused me of telling D4 that she was going to be w/ me exclusively for up to a year. Nothing like that ever came from my lips, but W goes crazy and forgets our D is 4 and confused as to why she can't live w/ both Mommy and Daddy anymore.
Nut - Glad you found me. I hope others will find me again too. Anyway, I know I'm only protecting myself w/ W, so I'll be getting the recording stuff on Monday after D is back w/ W. I don't want to do a thing w/ D around to hear it. I won't confuse her at all.
Ok, I forgot to tell you last night, we saw "Horton Hears a Who!" and D LOVED it. We danced to the music credits then got kicked out by the cleaning crew. D called W on the way home, spoke to her for about 5 minutes and hung up. I didn't speak to her last night.
Once home, we got ready for bed and I let her watch a couple of SpongeBob episodes before putting her to sleep in her bed. I stayed w/ her until she fell asleep - which was instantly - then went to bed myself after posting a bit here and updating my journal. Around 5:30 D woke up and called for me, so I went in w/ her for about an hour until I was so cold I had to get back under my covers. When D woke up again around 8 she was ticked I had returned to my own bed, but that lasted roughly 30 seconds.
We went out to breakfast (D calls herself a "big breakfast girl"), then ran errands and I picked up summer shoes for her to have here w/ me as well as some things the Easter Bunny is going to hide for her tonight.
Now we're home and getting ready to go to an Easter party then possibly ice skating. I'm going to look at scheudles next. I'll post again tonight after D is asleep and let you know what, if anything, W has to say.
Thanks for the support. I'll talk w/ you all later. RTL
Sorry for taking so long to get to you. WOW, I am shocked that a mother would pull this kind of crap regarding her own child and accusing that sweet babies father of such BS. I wish you didn't have to go through this. This does go to prove however that the W you have in her current state is NOT the woman you feel in love with and married. I can see forgiving an affair, forgiving lies about you, forgiving almost everything but when she pulled this 'innapropriate nude daughter daddy touching' BS, well that has to take the cake and I don't know if I were in your shoes that I could move past that one.
More power to you. I personally think your D should be given fully to you at this point as your W sounds like she has gone entirely too far off the deep end.
Just my opinion though!!!!
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well, I'm pretty disappointed w/ W's accusations, but I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to come back after this. I think I'm able to move past anything, but it is and will be irrelevant if W isn't willing to change and learn to accept herself. I can't save my marriage alone, but I can make a better me who is a wonderful father, an excellent husband, and a good man. If I can do my part, then it will be completely up to W to do hers. Ultimately, she'll have to make the choice as to what she wants to do. I wish I could change her mind for her, but that would be controlling as well as impossible.
Well, I just finished hiding all of the Easter Bunny's eggs for D, so I thought I'd post and then try to get a few more hours of sleep before D rips herself out of bed on the egg hunt.
Anyway, D and I had a great day yesterday. We got up around 8 and played w/ her "Littlest Pet Shop" toys in her room off and on until 9 or so when we finally pulled ourselves together and went out for breakfast (fyi - when I asked D if she wanted to go out to breakfast she said "I was hoping you'd ask that."). After breakfast, we ran errands, bought each of us two new pairs of shoes, then hit up Walmart for movies for D to keep here at my house.
We came home, I cleaned up and we went to a friend's house for their annual Easter Party. They have a great house w/ a wonderful yard and ALWAYS put on an excellent party. In any event, D ate well and collected more candy-filled eggs than any child would ever need. D also was spending a great deal of time running around on the grass and playing w/ the other kids, so she was busy and very, very happy.
After the party, I took D ice skating and for her 2nd time out, she did really, really well. She was so eager to leave the "training area" w/ her skating trainer and head around the ice w/ the big people that she simply took off w/ out me and I found myself dashing across the ice to catch up w/ her. She was so focused and determined and she really was much improved.
We skated non-stop for about 45 minutes, then I arranged for us to ride on the Zamboni in between sessions and D loved that. She waved to the people in the rink like she was in a parade and she lauged and giggled the entire time. After the Zamboni experience, D did one lap on the big ice and was done for the night.
I turned in our skates, took her to Peter Piper Pizza's game room where we won tickets for meaningless crap and then home to bed. Once home, she got into her brand new silk-feeling Disney Princess pajamas my mother had sent her and we did the usual couple of SpongeBobs before putting her to sleep in her room.
We did call W at 8 (for the record, I ALWAYS call her when I have D, but she rarely if ever will initiate D's contact w/ me -- frustrating). D and W talked for 2 minutes and D handed me the phone to talk w/ W and W hung up w/out saying a word. It is too bad b/c I was actually going to tell W that our dog (her beloved Peetie) had another small seizure yesterday and the vet said not to worry, but to monitor him. He had had one this summer, or early fall, and she was freaked, so I was going to fill her in, but if she doesn't want to talk w/ me, I'll give her the information when I see her today.
I'm sure she'll send a text message as to where I'm dropping off D today so she can avoid speaking to me, but right now, as Kalni put it, I need to expect EVERYTHING from her. Thus, I'm prepared for every scenerio that I can conjure up and a few more I haven't thought of too.
That is what we did yesterday. It was a great day and we really loved being w/ each other. I'm not sure what is on the agenda for today, but I'm hoping for a few more hours of sleep before she actually rises and lets me know what we're doing.
As I knew it, D came into my room at 5:45, just mere minutes after I finished and had gone back to bed. She "slept" until 6:45 when we tore up the house and yard looking for eggs that crazy bunny left behind.
Since then, we've had a laid back morning. We played w/ Playdough and her little pet shop toys and she "supervised" my taking out of the trash and mowing the lawn. At one point when I couldn't get the mower started, D said "I think I know what is wrong" and she went out to try and pull the cord. It was very cute.
Sadly, when I was working outside, D started to tell me about basic stuff and it came out that she, W and the OM do things together. D says she likes him because he's "handsome" and just hearing about the three of them together as a "family" of sorts breaks my heart. My poor D must be or at least will be soon very, very confused. I didn't push the talk too much b/c I didn't need to know any information and I especially didn't need to shake dowm my D for details. I know enough. I know too much, actually.
Now, she's eating and I'm preparing lunch. I'm going to see if we can jump in a lane at the community pool for a bit and swim. She really wants to go. I'm hoping they'll let us in for a splash.
I have to return D around 4, so I'm not looking forward to that. However, there isn't much I can do about it for now.
