Thanks so much for the link. I will read through it again when I have some more time. I browsed quickly and didn't see the 'special act as if' part but will find it.
I am trying to back way off and him filing is making it actually easier to see him now as the person I never wanted him to be hence making it easier for me to see him as the person I can no longer trust or be with or even desire to be with right now.
At some point he and I will be able to be friend again. That much I do know because of our 19 year history.
My plans/goals for when I get home: Get A Life which will include dating Do what is needed to provide for my kids at all costs without hurting H Pack up my home and prepare to list it
Will update later. H just sent text asking me to call him.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Please be careful with the dating part of your GAL plan. You don't want to make things more complicated, even if it feels good in the short run. Trust me on this one-smile
me 41 H 37 married 11 S10 S6 Bomb 11-21-07 he moved out 12-09-07
Good plan to speak to a lawyer but don't rush into anything like selling everything or running away.. I find when our emotions are ruling us our decisions are not the wisest.
You are not ready emotionally to date anyone right now. The first guy that says nice things to you or scratches an itch just right will sway you into a relationship that you probably should not go into. Also, if you have any hopes of your H coming back, dating sends the wrong message. He may date while you are separated, but that does not mean you should also. Two wrongs dont make a right.
I see from your age and years together/married that it is very unlikely that you have experienced adult life on your own. For at least a year, work on yourself without the intention of finding and getting settled down in another R. Trust me - I went from the age 18 to 35 without ever having a girlfriend. I had a fabulous life by doing things with male friends and mostly by myself. I was a free man able to do as I wished. You need to get the thought out of your mind that you need someone else.
Work on yourself and be happy with your kids for a while.
This time I am gonna say it loud and clear so you can hear it.
Wake The F Up. I told you your actions/reactions are exactly the same as they were when you were failing at the marriage. EXACTLY!!
I will say it again IT'S NOT WORKING!! I know it is hard to break out of it. It seems impossible. Trust me no matter what happens you are going to be better from all this. You needed to walk thru this for some reason. Call it gods plan, call it fate, call it dumb luck.
I will call it Full on 110% DAM! With Queen B leading the way.
Right now. Lemme say that again RIGHT NOW... Is your time to shine. You have to pull a 180% and stick to it like glue. Or at least some soggy fly paper. You still have time. You are going to screw it up. I assure you you will.
#1... NO DATING!!! For the slow people in class when I say NO DATING I mean NO/NONE/NOTA/NOTHING. Am I making myself clear? Can you hear me. Say it with me "I will not date" This rule applies all the time. You have 1 year from the day he filed the paper to strictly adhere to this rule. I will not tolerate and slip up's here. Trust me when I say "You will thank me for that advise"! Any questions? I expect the answer to be no!!
#2.. Stop the contact. Right now.. Stop it. You talk about nothing other than the kids. No policy discussion.. AT ALL. The kids, how they are doing, what they are doing. You do so in a upbeat manner. The kids are all you want to talk about. You are happy about talking about the kids. Kids come first in everything you do. The only time they don't come first is NO DATING.
#3.. The day you get the papers I want you to QUIETLY!! talk to a lawyer. A lawyer I am not. If the lawyer wants to attack.. Go see another one. Do not fall prey to the vicious attack. If they listen to your story and start talking about PI's and nailing to the wall. Stand up and walk out. You will prefer a woman lawyer here. NOT a divorced one! Remember no attack! Attack=bad. You are to not let on that you have even spoke to a lawyer until you and said lawyer have a plan of response. Notice no attack!
Ok so lets recap..
NO DATING <<<<< You see that right?!?
Kids First/Talk only about Kids.
See a lawyer.... QUIETLY!!!!
I am trusting you here. Your past record sucks. Its OK. I knew you would do it. Show me you can follow this plan. I can't guarantee that I can fix it all. I can guarantee that I will make you a better person that he would be a fool to leave.
As crazy as you are right now I know he would be a fool to walk away.
People only listen when they want to.
You ready yet?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I must tell you both that I am not dating but have fallen prey to the right man came along at the right time and said the right things and I fell into a full on sexual affair. I am outing it now to you both and anyone else reading.
Oh and don't smack me yet...here comes another...are you ready?
I told H about it this morning. Oh yeah I sure did. OK let me now recap the day's events.
H texted me this a.m. asking me to call him when I had the chance so I did as I was putting on my make up and we had a very good talk. For the first time since he left we spoke like we were friends again. Maybe this paperwork is all it took?!?! Anyway, I fessed up to the f*** buddy friendship I have developed with a much younger man and H seemed very OK with it. He admitted that he had met a couple females but hasn't done anything. I explained to him that I was trusting him not to use this against me and ruin me with it and he promised he wouldn't just as I did to him when he starts to date or have sex with someone else.
So he proceeds to text me literally almost all day long today which as you know is not typical of him since he left. He has been very quiet and treated me plague like remember. He wanted full graphic details which I gave and professed that if he finds out this man hurts me he will kill him. He also made me promise that I was using protection and being careful which I am. He also asked questions like how it was, what I feel emotionally when in the act, etc... You see he and I are all each other knows sexually since we have been together since 16. We have always had open talks about fantasies and he has questioned in the past how do we really know we are as GOOD as we say we are when we have no one to compare to. I think he is shocked that I am but also very curious about what it is like being with someone else.
OK so anyway, details...he is a friend and we have the benefit of fulfilling each others sexual needs...period end of story...I am not IN LOVE nor am I looking for long term or committment. He knows that and I know that. We are adults having fun right now and sure I am vulnerable but I make HIM remind me all the time what we are doing and that WE are NOT an item, just friends with benefits.
OK Kerry and FG I know I will get the riot act from you both and am fully prepared so lay it on me. I am a vulnerable woman doing something I am not ready for right now and made a HUGE mistake telling H right? I set myself up to be run over by the legal divorce train?
I will be honest with you all however...the texting and 2, count them 2, phone calls with H today felt so amazing and so true and real. I honestly believe today was a MAJOR turning point for us. He even told me how deeply he cares for me still and how he doesn't want to see me get hurt by this trist and how he can't wait to start hugging me again when he comes to see the kids and how nice it will be. He also said that WE will be OK, to which I am sure he is referring to our seperation and coming through it fine in the end.
OK everyone's opinions, even the non supportive ones are appreciated.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Do you still want to work on your marriage? Do you see yourself and your H together in the future? Your actions are that of someone who has given up any chance of hope, so I was just wondering...
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
My actions...well yes they seem like someone who doesn't want her marriage back but I would love to have it back but also realize finally that it may not happen.
The lonliness got to me and the rejection destroyed me and my values. I will have to answer for that. I take full responsibility for the wrong of it. If my H told me next month he wanted to come back then we would build a new stronger marriage because the one we had won't be the one we HAVE ever again.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
