Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Piecing...gosh this is hard ll

Men are visual, saying provocative things is not he same as seeing you looking HOT and you not approaching him just staying just out of his reach. JMO, I so understand your frustration and disappointment. Are you going to counseling? Maybe you both just need a safe place to talk about your fears. I remember he wanted to go, didn't he?

As for him hanging at his friends. It could really be just that he can relax there. There is no pressure on him at his friend's place. I know that it looks bad and I would be worried, too. But we do have to look for other explanations, too.

I was never lucky enough to have my H return but I really feel red flags here.
Seems to me a new 2moro you have to be ready to ask him outright whats going on and risk the consequences of him leaving or you ignor his behaviour and his daily visits to his lady friend and continue getting a life as if your h is just a lodger and not your spouse.
Anything in between will drive you crazy and can't be good for your health.
I may have missed this but how long was he actually having an A for? is the length of time relevant to him getting over her and how long it will take.
Did your H go this long before he left without physical contact ie sex.
I really wish you all the best with this. I remember a certain poster saying how easy H coming home was but she was the only person I ever read post that.
It must be so so hard and you seem to be doing all you can but don't neglect you and your feelings/needs.
Take care.

AN2M,
Has anyone mentioned that typing in all caps is like screaming on a message board? : ) I read your posts and I'm like wow...she is highstrung.

Piecing...sucks alot doesn't it?
Rebuilding trust, exposing yourself to being hurt to someone who has proven they can and have in the past.

When you started piecing, did you establish boundaries for yourself? Did you say ok, lets do this but here are the things you need to do so that I feel comfortable?

Or were you so excited that he wanted to reconnect that you didn't set up any protection for yourself?

Going to his friends in the same complex as the OW...You need to talk to him about that.

Let him know that you want to trust him, but trust without verification, well he would be naive to expect you not to wonder, and he should be ok with you verifying it. Like stopping by with a 6 pack for him and Warren, one night unexpectedly, maybe even pizza.

Let him know that you want to trust him, and that if he wants you to trust him that you will chek out his story, we are human after all, trust has been broken.

I've left this alone an2m because some would accuse me of being biased since I am already divorced.

I remember last January when steelerfans husband came home. Things were not right. He would call and talk to OW on his cell phone IN the house. I told her that was wrong and that she needed to insist that he stop or leave. Some at the time felt my suggestion was too firm, but he did in fact leave again. He was not ready.

I was very happy for you when your husband turned the corner and expressed a desire to come home. But, honestly, aside from verbally expressing to you that he loves you and wants to be at home, what OTHER progress has he made?

Yes, they have trouble giving up the other person. My feeling is that if their "trouble" with that involves still being with them, they need to go.

When my ex was not yet my ex, I established a boundary with her. As long as she was actively involved with one of her OM, there would be NO contact between us. It helped me stay sane. You WELL know the feelings that course through your veins when you even suspect contact with the other person. It is NO way to live. Everyone that reads your post can feel the anquish in your words each day.

This visiting with Warren from 4:30 till after 7:00 each day, which conveniently takes place in the same complex as his other woman, should be your final straw. THIS is the line in the sand that I believe you are right to draw.

He continued his affair after moving home.
He doesn't want to do things with you out of the house.
He refuses any intimacy.

At the very least, I would ask him outright if he has been visiting with the other woman during his after work visits. And I would let him know that, because of trust issues, you will feel the need to verify his answer with Warren.

Too much hurt on you already.

And yes, if he needs to leave again, it will hurt again.

But what kind of life are you living right now?


Sometimes they just are not done. I'm not sure that is the case with your husband, but it's time for him to offer more than just words.


Just my opinion.

Blessings,

Bill

It took my W awhile to get over him.

As hard as it is too say... it was a relationship. It needed to end in a way that she felt good about it ending. Within my boundaries. So at times I turned a blind eye, to some small things, she wasn't crossing those boundaries if she didn't think I knew about it.

The big boundaries she didn't cross, and I wouldn't have turned a blind eye too.

As for it ending good for OM...don't care.

IM AT WORK! ITS ALL IN CAPS...NOT SCREAMING....THO MAYBE I FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES

IM A CSR FOR SADDLERY CO...OUR ORDERS AND SYSTEM IS ALL BASED IN CAPS. IF I UNDO CAP LOCK AND THEN GOT TYPE IN SOMETHING WHEN I GET A CALL...NOTHING WORKS SINCE I HOP ON BETWEEN CALLS.

AN2M, I think you should take Bworl's words to heart...


Time to have another heart to heart....


Sorry sweets but there it is...


Hugs!
Vali

(((((((Patty))))))))

Can we talk about those boundaries again?

I think it is time to set some.

There is a great book by Dr.Cloud called Boundaries in Marriage.