It's hard to constantly pretend like your life is okay when it's not. I feel so fake all the time.
Amen. Yes, IT IS. You’ve been doing pretty well with your GAL, we all have days when we feel down and hopeless.
You seem to be having a lot of contact with H. Although it seems to be going well, should you back off? Since you’re in contact with him everyday, why not back off for a couple of days? Go semi-dark on him?
In the R talk with him, did he admit that what he was doing was wrong? He doesn’t want to hurt OW, but does he realize how much this is hurting you or that you don’t know how much longer you can wait for him? Make sure you get a word or two in during those R talks, too!
I just read the latest on the thread "I think W wants us both... HELP!" by Dazed and Confused. He's in a similar sitch as you. He pulled what I guess is a LRT on his LBS. I think you'll be able to relate...
Joie I totally hear what your saying about backing off but here is what I think....We do usually talk once a day but not always. I gave him a TON of space by going out of town for 2 months and there were times when we wouldnt talk for up to a week. H told me the other night he is afraid of being alone. He has also mentioned before when we were going to marriage counseling that he is NEEDY. That he needs alot of attention and affection and wasent getting that at home after our son was born. (he is correct about that) So I'm wondering if that's what I need to do. THat would I think be a 180 for me. Calling him more, wanting to be around him and trying to do fun things. I did try that last week and it worked well but then he told me he had stayed at OW house and I lost all hope. I realize I need to try for more than a week it's just very hard.
Thank you so much for responding to me all the time. I cant even tell you how much I appreciate your support and thoughts!! I will check out that other stich
The other thing is I dont want to go overboard with it and I dont want to set my self up for any more disappoint so i'm not sure where to draw the line. For the first time in probably 3 months I gave him a kiss on the cheeck when he left sunday and he thanked me about 4 times for that. Is that going to far???? I have found myself wanting to say ILY lately but I have stopped myself several times before it came out.
I was about to head off to bed and saw your post and thought, I have to respond! Why? Because I pretty much did what you're thinking of. I did give my H space, but he thought I didn't "want him" anymore so I showed him that I did. It didn't make sense to me to GAL too much by myself. I did some, but I spent lots of time with my H.
I also gave him lots of love and affection. Yes, it was hard because at the time, he was still involved with OW, like your H is. There were times when the last thing I wanted to do was be all lovey-duvey, 'how was your day honey' -- so on those days I backed off (for my own PMA). But all that love and affection was good for me, too. It really helped us to reconnect.
So, I can TOTALLY relate to where you're coming from. One huge difference between your sitch and mine is that my H was still home. We never separated. We talked about it but I told him I didn't want him to leave (I decided it was better to have him here). I tried not to think about OW -- detached, detached, detached!
You definitely know your H so why not continue to give your H the attention and -- you will need to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride -- which you've been on already! Just remember baby steps. I think the kiss on the check was good!
Thank you so much for writing me back. I cant even tell you how glad I am to hear back from you. I will definately give this a shot for awhile and see where we go. I really think speding time and showing him some affections is what he needs from me. he talks alot about not wanting any more distance and wanting to hang out with me more, his job prevents this from happening alot. I know he is "cake eating" right now but maybe this will help. I have tried giving space and that didnt seem to work. In fact in the beginning of this whole mess H told me that was what he needed SPACE. H is no longer saying that. I read the other stich you sent me to and your right sounds just like mine. I have told H numerous times I am willing to work on our M or go to MC but OW has to go. He definately knows where I stand on that but maybe I havent been firm. I'm going to try the later and see. THANK YOU so much it seems like most of the stuff I read says to give space and that's not working for us.
How do you detach and stop thinking about OW or always thinking they are together??? Any suggestions? Just keep busy??
Did showing your H more affection work for you??? This is totally a personal question and dont feel like you have to answer me I would understand..but I'm wondering when your H was still seeing OW and living at home did you guys still sleep in the same bed or did he move to the couch? I'm not comfortable allowing my H to lay next to me right now but he says he wont stay at the house if he has to sleep on the couch. He's not being mean about he just says he wont stay the night here until he is welcome back in his own bed. I really have mixed feeling about this.
H has sounded different since our talk on sunday. More upbeat when we talk, engages in converstation more and has been calling more. H talked to my best friend yesterday and made it sound like he is really trying to break things off with OW. Only problem he has tried before and failed. I guess time will tell. WEll should see him this weekend and i'm looking forward to trying something new, hanging out and hopefully having fun together and laughing again!
Yesterday you asked how do you detach and stop thinking about OW, if they're together, etc ... IT'S HARD! When I knew they probably were together it was all I could do to concentrate on even the simplest things. I tried to keep busy. I have a young teenage daughter and she keeps me busy.
I have a couple of friends who have gone through either PA/EA affairs and I talked with them a lot, and went out with them, too. Got together with my family, etc. The only thing you can is keep busy and don't obsess. And, remember his A isn't about you. And, that OW ain't worth getting upset over. You just worry about your PMA.
I don't mind answering your questions about the affection. We did sleep together, in the same bed. However, I thought the physical part of the A ended when I found out about it (I would not have touched him if I had known that it wasn't).
So, we stayed together, and just a few weeks after the bomb, we were intimate again. After I found out he was with her a couple more times, he offered again to move out of the bedroom, but it never came to that. We have a king-size bed so if I wanted my distance, it wasn't too hard! He knew when I was pissed and when to keep his distance. But over time, it really helped us connect. I found myself needing to cuddle up with him at night. Even if I was mad at him, I found that just being next to him at night soothed me. I needed it.
Over the months, OW became very anti-DB ... she pursued ... she called and called and called ... she got angry and belligerent. I was happy, smiling, hugging, loving, etc ... very pro-DB. That helped me a lot. But if we had not reconnected intimately, physically and emotionally, I think my H may have left. He asked me many times if I was only doing these things because I was afraid or embarrassed to get a D. It took me months to prove to him that I really did love and want him. I was very consistent (and still am, I am happy to say).
I completely understand your mixed feelings about letting your H back in your bed. I was a complete fool and trusted my H when he said the PA was over! I totally believed him. But in the end, things turned out ok so I don't think about it. I'm looking to the future and not fretting over the past.
It really sounds like your H is coming out of his fog, it really does. If what you've been doing is working, keep it up!! I hope you're thinking up some plans for the weekend. The more he has with you, the more time he'll spend with you ... less time with OW
(Also, what do you know about OW? In this day and age you have to think about STDs! I got checked out by my doc.)
I will definately give this a shot for awhile and see where we go. I really think speding time and showing him some affections is what he needs from me. he talks alot about not wanting any more distance and wanting to hang out with me more
If your H has complained in the past about you 'neglecting' him or not showing him affection, then I totally agree with you trying this. It would be a 180 for you!! I know my H has calmed down SO much ever since I started listening, really listening to him. He was craving this from me.
You have to draw your own boundaries with H if you feel he is cake eating. Only you will know when too much is too much. I didn't know til it happened to me.
The last couple of days I was feeling really good then today back to the rollercoaster. H and I decided to sell his car. He got a new job in Jan. and was given a work car so hasent driven his in 3 months. I told him I would go and get it cleaned out and around so I can put it up for sale tomorrow. As I'm cleaning the car I found some items in there from OW son. Toys, stickers, crayons and m&m's. I realize that it was at least three months ago but still VERY hurtful. H hasent been around his own child much so it's hard to think of the three of them "playing family". I was proud of myself that I didnt say anything to H.
H says he is coming over in the am for a few hours before he has to work. Trying to think of something to go and do. When we sit around the house for too long things seem to go bad. End up talking about R crap or arguing....we both need a distraction to keep us focused on having fun.
H has told several of our friends he is afraid to come back to the marriage and have things not work and then to be left alone. States that is why he wont leave OW. That is so frustrating and unfair I want to smack him!!!! Hopefully showing him a little affection and having a good time together will change his mind soon.
I hear you on the STD's have definately thought of that as I work in the medical field. All I know about OW is she is 24, divorced and has a 5 year old son. Sounds like she is a bar whore from what I hear.....I know I need to be careful!
Again thank you so much for continued help, listening and suggestion's. It really has helped me more than you know!!!!
It sucked, but I went to my OB and with a smile asked for the "Infidelity Test Panel". Then I almost started crying. I was terrified, but it felt great to walk out with a clean bill of health. H's OW has had several A's, and even though H said they were safe (only had actual sex one time, whatever...), I wasn't taking any chances.
GOOD JOB on not saying anything to H about his car contents. Triggers like that hurt. And yes, get out of the house this time, be distracted!
thanks LWB. I havent had sex with my H since he started sleeping with OW. WEll that's what he said I guess I have no reason to believe that!!!! IF we start working things out I want H to get tested!!!! That will be a long time from now but I will definately keep it in mind.
