Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy They're Going Out of Town this Weekend

My wife and I have been married 11 years and have 3 children. I found out three weeks ago that she is having an affair. I've had my suspicions dating back 5 months ever since her "I love you but I don't love you anymore" speech. For five months, the things she was telling me didn't add up. She's a full-time student but she spent way too much time out studying with her friend Debbie. Of course, I trusted her. But I had my suspicions. When I look back, all the signs were there. I finally found out about the affair after a couple of days of her pushing for separation. The reasons she wanted it so badly didn't seem to justify something drastic as that. Finally, I said "I will not blow up. I will not do anything drastic. Just let me know the truth." She first admitted to an affair a year ago with a coworker. I felt relieved for some reason. I wasn't crazy! But somehow I knew that wasn't the whole story. So I pushed again to know the full truth. Then she dropped the bomb. She's been having a full-blown affair with her classmate. The first affair she says made it so much easier to get into the second one.

So far from three weeks until now, her mind hasn't changed. She wants to be separated and she plans to continue seeing the other guy.

We've gone to counseling after the first week of her admission. That was the first and only time together. I've gone alone the last two sessions. I granted her her freedom during the first week I found out but I've been having a tough time dealing with the whole thing. I'm lousy at "detaching." It's been a wild roller-coaster ride. Emotionally it's been draining. She has been brazen about coming home late from the other guy's house. She has been honest about where she goes and there's a certain openness with her activities but it's tough to take. The kids look for her all the time. I just tell them she's out studying.

We still live under the same roof. We sometimes share the same bed. Other times, I sleep on the couch or in a sleeping bag on the floor of the kids' room. My wife and I sometimes have moments of tenderness. We sometimes get intimate (with protection) but have not been lately. Yes, she's been having her cake and eat it too.

So far I feel she hasn't felt any repercussions or consequences from her affair. I have maintained civility for the sake of the kids and for sanity in our lives. Yes, she's been experiencing difficulty with school but that's a result of her being preoccupied with extracurricular activities. She says that since the other guy found out that I know, he wants to be just friends and they're not intimate anymore, which I'm having a hard time believing since she's there almost every night, "studying." He's seeing another girl who lives with her boyfriend and won't leave him for him. So the guys' relationship with my wife is basically giving to each other what they don't get from their primary relationships. When I said I could give her all those things, she said she doesn't doubt it but she's just in too deep with this guy. She's not ready to give him up.

She's clarified, however, that if it doesn't work out with this guy, she wouldn't want to get back with me and would like to continue dating.

This spring break, which is this coming weekend, she plans to go on a trip with the other guy. I don't know how to handle it when the time comes. What do I do?

I still love her and would like very much for her to come to her senses and realize the gravity of her wrongdoing, get right with God, and hopefully come back to me, and get on with the healing our marriage.

I realize I may have neglected her the past few years of our marriage but part of it was I picked up the slack and devoted time to raising the kids while she went to school full-time. That was our agreement. Oh if I could only turn back the hands of time.

You need to focus on you and the kids right now. There is very little you can do to change you fogged out wife's mind right now. The only thing you can do (IMHO) is to try to bust up the affair. Exposure is the tool I used, and has worked for many people. This doesn't work for everyone, but you have a choice here. Let your wife continue to cake eat, or try to fight to get her back. Your marriage will not survive with a 3rd person in it.

By the way, I wouldn't put much stock in what she says about you and your marriage to her. She is completely under the influence of an addictive substance... the affair.

I agree with Doing. I know there are many here who don't support exposing the affair to people who can influence your W, but like Doing, I exposed my W's affair to the OMW and certain close friends.

If you choose that route, do not expose for the purpose of punishing her, it is only to break up the affair. And if you do it, expect her to be ANGRY! She will say things you won't believe. She was going to give you a chance, but not now, not if you were the last person on earth, etc. It WILL be ugly and you can't react to her anger.

Exposing MAY also end your marriage for good, so if you choose to do it, be prepared that it may end your marriage. I only exposed after I got to the point where my W had checked out of the marriage and was going away every other weekend to see OM. The other week OM was coming to our town to see her. I was ready for my marriage to either be over or for the exposure to work to end the affair. And for me, it seemed to work. In my sitch, I knew OM was a player, suspected he was a serial cheater and was just using my W. And sure as heck, as soon as OMW found out, OM cut tail and ran back to his wife. It's taken a while (exposure was 11/13) and my W finally seems to be responding to me and giving some indications that we'll work out (the point of that is that it will still take a while for your wife to come out of the affair fog/addiction to OM), but again, you have to be prepared that exposure may end your marriage.

Some people here call exposure controlling. I don't feel that way. I call exposure shining light on an immoral act. Sometimes that light will make the affair partners come out of their fantasy/addiction. Sometimes not. If she's cake eating (which it seems she is), exposure just might do the trick.

Like Doing says, your marriage will not survive with a 3rd person in it, and you shouldn't have to sit by while your wife trashes everything you believe in. With exposure you must be prepared to go on with your life, with or without her.

Just my $.02

I exposed big time. I don't think you can ever call exposing an A controlling - infact the one thing you lose totally is control - the chips could fall anyways.

People tend to have fairly strong views on whether to expose or not. All I would say to you is that you know your S and we don't. In my sitch the A had been going on so long by the time I found out that the first flush of the addiction had weakened and I believe that timing was everything.

Only you can know what you can live with and what you are willing to put up with. OM doesn't sound much of a catch does he - involved with another woman as well - he must really rate your W. You may find that if you just bide your time and look after yourself and your kids, your W will eventually see the light and realise that you are the one for her. Don't try and convince her though - live your life for you and your kids - have fun and if she misses out on that because she is involved elsewhere then that is HER problem not yours.

Exposure worked for me and was definitely the easier option in the long run but it does not work for all. Whatever you do , do not threaten to take action you are not willing to follow through - that way you just lose face. And if you do decide to expose the A you WILL have a rough ride for a while - maybe not nearly as bad as playing the waiting game, but I assure you it will not be pleasant.

BTW, how are your kids about all this? Mine were old enough to realise what was happening and they actually played quite a large hand in it all. My second D , unbeknownst to me, contacted the OW and told her EXACTLY what she thought of her and that did rather throw the OW off a bit.

I agree with the others.

It's not "controlling," as only your wife can decide what she wants to do. You are merely laying out your OWN boundaries, and the conditions by which you are willing to remain in the marriage. It's completely up to her how she reacts to that, but then you need to let HER know that YOU will be making YOUR decisions based on what she decides.

That's not "controlling"; it's called "consequences for one's behavior."

Affairs thrive on secrecy; it is the "fuel" of the adultery. Remove the secrecy, and fight for your wife, IF that's what you feel your own integrity says to do.

It worked for me.

You also need to determine what other personal boundaries you are going to draw. For me, it was "no texting or phoning OM from our home or in front of the kids," for example. It may be "if you're going to be out past midnight, please don't bother coming home." When my wife came back late one night, I had all of the inside and outside lights turned off and the house alarm on (she could disarm it after entering). Message received.

How old are your children?

One thing I would say about puppy's advice is that they can thrive without secrecy too.

My H's whole Co. knew he was having an A and because he was the CEO they didn't say anything. Whilst they were uncomfortable about it they did nothing to try and prevent it. A's can survive without secrecy, and then the LBS is left feeling like a complete fool when they find out just how many people knew and did nothing about it. It hurts - let me tell you - you don't know who you can trust in the future. I am still undergoing therapy two years on.

Dan, one other thing:

You should ABSOLUTELY not give up the marital bed. If someone is to sleep on the couch, or on the floor in another room, it should be the one who's having the affair. You'll have to decide what your personal boundary is on the sex issue (I'd advise against it), but please do use protection!!!

I completely agree with puppy - why should you give up the marital bed????????

You shouldn't be doing anything that compromises yourself. Giving up the bed is a great example. You shouldn't sacrifice just because she is the cheater. Also, how is she going out of town this weekend? Is she using marital money? You should be refusing to pay for ANYTHING that is enabling the affair.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses.

My kids are 11, 7 and 4. All boys. They do not know anything but do ask for her when she's away. They all love her dearly. I suspect the eldest senses something is wrong. He caught me crying in my room one time. He's been having nightmares as well.

I suppose I do have to make a choice, don't I? Exposure does have its risks. This upcoming weekend trip seems to be the perfect time for exposure. I thought about telling her father and siblings who all live nearby. I don't know the effect it will have on her. I did tell her before that we will have to let our families know about her A soon and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Okay."

My counsellor advises against exposure to her family as it may drive my spouse away. Additionally, especially knowing about her past, the counsellor said that letting the people know who were largely responsible for her environment growing up may not be a good idea. Showing her how much of a grounded, respectful, and compassionate husband I am is my main priority right now. And not to ask questions about her affair (which I did do a lot and made me depressed).

My pastor from the beginning advised that I should let her family know. He thinks they may be able to reach out to her. And, they can't blame me later on for not letting them know early on when they could've done something to help. My pastor did acknowledge that since blood is thicker than water, it may also be risky.

I've told my older sisters and their husbands and they are very supportive. They offered their homes to me and the boys, if the going gets tough.

I was thinking of exposing both of them to their classmates. I have met a few of them and have access to their email. I think the ostracism they may receive could prove too much to bear. But I could see how that could push her away as well. Both of them may be at risk of getting suspended and/or expelled, I'm not sure.