Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis CONTACT

Let's ignore, for a moment, the issue of email addresses in the text of posts.

If it's such a disastrous hazard to provide contact information in general -- as you seem to be implying, opening posters up to being stalked and harassed by other posters, possibly disgruntled spouses, etc -- then why on earth was there *ever* an enabled field for that in member profiles???? Not to mention, up until this week, guidance regarding the acceptability of using same in the FAQs?

Why has that option just been taken away from us? Were the administrators under-protecting us then, or are they over-protecting us now?

Or might there be another agenda entirely?

JamesJohn,

No disrespect intended, but your post is patently NOT true based on my experience here since November of 2006.

I was ALLOWED to put my email address on my signature line. There was no warning message about it. As I recall, there was no rule against it.

You've still not presented a reason for BANNING email addresses all together.

You all are DB counselors. It would be nice to think YOU, of all people, would know the importance of honesty and openness in communication.


Bill

Jamesjohn,

With all due respect, please don't treat us like idiots. If you have some rationale for the new policy, just say so -- it's your board, and you can do with it what you wish. I honestly don't think anyone begrudges that; it's the dishonesty and patronizing that is offensive to many.

Puppy

I am realitively new to these discussions, but here is my thoughts. Take them or leave them.

I actually set up a new email account to access this board to avoid the 'traceability'. It's pretty easy to do with yahoo and all the other service providers out there.

One of the biggest issues in codependency (and I admit to being codependent) is that it causes people to continually reduce their social circles and outlets. Boards like this help us explore moving out of that isolation. That is also part of DBing if I understand it correctly.

When I signed on up on this board, I didn't include my email because I was waiting to see what type of people were here. (I am an adult and responsible for my own behaviors.) Even that recently, it was an option in the personal profiles, so the argument that it has always been a policy is in fact the exact opposite of the truth, therefore a lie. It may have been a policy for actual discussions, but not the personal profile.

If someone came to a CoDA group and behaved and talked like this, the first thing most of us would think was - how controlling and codependent. The excuses given seem to really be rationalizations as a reason to control others. If there are business reasons, be honest. That is what relationship and taking responsibility for personal actions is all about. You people pay to run this board, so make the decisions. Just please think about the impact that you are having by your communications style. And also think about the example it sets. If we take the example, it will mean that half truth is acceptable in DBing. Is that the example that you want to be giving?

I understand limiting the content of replies of abusive people. But building social circles is a necessity of recovery and also of becoming healthy people, which is (as I understand it) a DB principle.


My 12 step group has a phone list with a policy, put your name on it only if you are willing to take calls. It is how recovery and programs work. Do people abuse it, sometimes. Does that mean that we should stop it, NO. It is essential to the process. One of our group who is also a recovering addict was on travel last week and it was these contact lists that help keep him from falling of the wagon.

If these boards are really for support in recovering relationships, the Google argument is actually a perfect one for allowing, not removing, private contacts. There is a limit to what I will post on a public discussion about my situation for exactly that reason. A private contact would allow me to explain better to those who might really help.

toubled husband

Thank you for your thots, Troubled Husband, because that's exactly what I was thinking myself. I am responsible for me. If I choose to let people know my address that is my responsibility and no one else's. It is vital to have a lifeline you can trust.

The private message in the profile were a welcome addition from the beginning. If you don't want them you have the choice of having an administrator shut yours down.

I like the way you put it into words........far better than what I would have said.

If you are in dire straits in the middle of the night and crying out for help - and you know you have a life line you can call to get you thru - THAT WON'T COST YOU SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLARS - why would you keep people from doing that.

I would venture to say that everyone who has come to these boards has bought themselves at least 1 copy of Michele's books if not all of them. Not only that - but they have recommended the book and the website to many.

And now we're being told what to say and how to say it and that we can not allow information about ourselves to the lifelines we've been talking to for days, months, weeks and YEARS.

And at the risk of being deleted.........I find it very "cultish" to have this kind of control over people. This is what gets many programs in trouble - and I've seen it happen over and over again in my life time.........where the powers that be established this power reign that left it's followers to be nothing more than zombies..........and worse yet......dead.

Our spouses who left us behind do the same thing......it's a matter of control with them....which often times becomes a very dangerous situation.

I don't usually speak up about anything.......but this is very bothersome what is going on here. You may be weeding all of us "troublemakers" out of here........and that's ok........but the newbies will become nothing but little stepford wives/husbands with their mantras of get a life, get a life etc. But when they're falling apart and need a real friend....they are denied.

I often wondered, over the years I've been here, why Michele never stopped by this board to offer some wisdom. We all asked it on many occasions. Maybe something at the top of the page that she had some fresh thots on. This is the most interaction from the "higher ups" that we've had in the 2 plus years that i've been here.

this board once had a terrific impact on many, many people. It's like the courtroom...........the law is always on the side of the guilty............not the victim. We've lost our spouses, our homes are disrupted.......our children torn.......and we, who need the help, are denied the chance to speak for ourselves.

brue

Policies can be changed.

Bad polices can be changed bad rules can be changed as well.

It seems like there is some thinking that these are set in stone.

JJ - Not saying this to sound bitter. Just bringing this up as an example. I know of 2 cases where the original poster hit the Notify button to have their post removed and nothing happened, I was one of them.

The LBS with a MLC spouse WAS or otherwise...

We are cunning, we are suspisious, and we have learned to stick up for ourselves and each other. We have learned not to take anything at face value, because we have learned that trust can be misused and used against us.

The sudden enforcement, on the sly might I add, and it is sudden, since there has been NO enforcement of it in the last 2 - 2.5 years here. None. Coincides with a new a book coming out. New book, more people here. National Televison more people here. More people here, more DB Coach phone calls.

I have yet to see anyone on the board NOT RECOMMEND either buying the BOOKS or CALLING a DB COACH.

The Policy su-cks.
It should be readdressed at the very least.

The timing of the restablishing of the "no contact information" of it, is very suspect.

LBS's stop believing in coincidence very early in MLC.

The internet isn't a big scary place full of wolves, monsters and boogeymen, so thanks for the arm floats in the kiddie pool.

I would have to agree on the suspicious part. After 18 years of being controlled, anything close to controlling behavior sets off red flags in me.

If the concern is really for privacy, enabling the Private Messaging function would take care of that. Each individual would have complete contol over who did or didn't have their email address. But somehow that is evil, too. I can't think of another board where even email addresses in profiles are not allowed. My mind is boggled.

I don't know the motivation, it doesn't make sense to me. I know that the first thing said to almost any poster is "buy the book". And calling a coach is often recommended.

I will live by the rule as long as I can stand it, because of all of the wonderful people I have met here. But, I fear that at some point, I will be gone, probably of my own choice. Which makes me sad.

Change the policy.

Allow PM's.

I think "Taiwan" has pretty much already been set up off the coast of the Motherland, gang. Too bad it had to come to this.