Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Does anyone just let it out ????

Whew, that's a loaded statement. Do they need to know? Do they care how we feel? IMO that is different in each sitch and in each time frame of each sitch.

I am very tired of putting a lid on how I feel, but I also know that the right words and the right timing are much more effective than blowing smoke and steam. I try to think of H's side too, which is hard to do when he keeps so much of his life a secret.

Mostly I am tired today and deflated again from not getting any sleep last night. That's a sign for me to be very careful if I see H on days like this.

I agree. If I yelled and ranted to H about how awful he is . it will do not one ounce of good..for MYSELF.

I would feel awful about myself. I am not like that. I do not like hurting others. But If I say it just matter of fact, I fel good about myself.

My point of this is , I do it for MYSELf. Not Him.I keep my mouth closed for HIM. WI speak up when I am being honest with myself.

See, I think my situation is a little different. I have an H that doesnt just treat me this way but treats D7 that way.

It isn't right. I fee las if I speak up for her too.

But I have learned when It can be out of anger if i do not control it. I had unresolved anger with H also. I found myself unhappy about how I directed it at him over a small thing.

Now everything I said was true..but I said ALOT! I ended up apologizing for it.

See, I can put myself in H's shoes but he has never put himself in mine. That is where the anger comes from.

And then I felt bad..so this is wher I came to for understanding.

{{{Keekers}}}

I'm so sorry sweetie. This is hell.

We've been taught on this board how to keep our mouths SHUT and skirt around huge issues in order to Dbust our marriages. Yes we LOVED what USED to be our husbands. They no longer are ours. They belong to SOMETHING else.

Some of us have become walking doormats, others are afraid to make a move in case it goes against dbusting rules. We let our spouses go have affairs while we patiently wait here for them to emerge. Some do. But what do we have when they do? Lots of mistrust that they will do it again.

How long are we supposed to sit here and take this [censored] hoping they wake the hell up?

I say do what you need to do. For some speaking their minds have had a greater impact than sitting here trying to think of something solution oriented. A true MLC'er wouldn't know a solution if it bit them in the ass.

Cause and effect. Actions and consequences.

These are all pushed neatly under the rug for THEM.

I am all for the using dbing techniqes, they have been very helpful in my job and other stressful situations but for some what has been more helpful is a fu##ing wakeup call.

Hugs sweet sistah! May you prevail!

Jeanette

Hi KIKI
I was wondering where/how you were
glad to see you back
I agree, it would seem like the healthiest response to communicate
I have also kept much in to H
but I have shared my feelings with friends
I dont know whats best but sometimes it just comes out
peace

Hey Jeanette and Peace,



That is very true.



And this is also very true.

Ok so we pretend everything is ok when we are hurting..No wonder I have breakdowns. I am not being honest with myself.

Peace, I too,like to vent to my friends. They sometimes tell me why dont you tell him this.

And why didn't I? I was afraid to tell him anything in case he got MORE upset..well guess what..me keeping my mouth closed hasnt done a thing in this situation.

Last night H and I had a few texts. Basically I have been calling him out on things.

H said that the verbal beating he received was..get this.."Vicious and Hurtful"

I told him it wasnt directed at him and these three years were vicious and hurtful .

I also told him I was being straight forward not trying to hurt him. And , honestly, everything I said was how I felt about everything. Not an attack on him. So it is crazy when I do voice myself it is considered
That word "vicious" stuck by me. If my words are vicious what are his actions then???

I just spoke the truth.

Let the truth set me free..I say!

O

Kiki, we are all human and I think sometimes we have to let some of it out even if it isn't exactly dbing. However, i think it is important not to let it get out of control...you do not want to be guilty of what they are doing because look at how it has affected us?

They are still human, barely. I am sure it hurts them when we say mean ugly things to them.

So, try NOT to do it often. I know it is hard.

You;re not being a doormat although other may have you believe this...you are just not buying in and REACTING to their behavior.

I think one of the main points of DBing is NOT reacting but rather being being PROactive. Does that make sense????

JInkies this just came to me!!!!

Hang in there sweets...one day this will all be just a memory..

Hugs,
Vali

I agree with you Vali. But if I voice how I feel and are not saying mean and ugly things to hurt him how can that be "Vicious"?

Is the truth vicious?

Or is it that I am not sitting here any longer with a smile saying "Ill take anything?"

I do not try to react to H. Ever since this journey , I have learned reactions are not helpful. But in order for me to move forward I have to honestly deal with the emotions I have inside.

Why did I choose NOW to tell H? I wasnt ready. I wasnt ready for any consequence for telling H how i felt. Now , I am.

It just isnt right. I cant tiptoe around the things he has done. Im not voicing how hurt I am for the things he has done to me. I am voicing on how his behavior to D7 isnt right. It just isn't. And I am done pretending it is ok. i have waited for H to make a change towards her on his own.

He hasn't.

Maybe a little guidance will help him.

Kiki, consider the source...

He is in MLC...nothing is as it seems...OF COURSE everything you say (which is the truth btw) is considered 'vicious'...he is using that to explain why he is where he is at...

Not a fair fight...but there it is.

I think they really do need to hear, at some point, what we feel and how they have hurt us. I am not suggesting that you hold it all inside. You are right at being outraged at his behavior towards your daughter. He has to understand there are limitations and boundaries regarding her and his behavior towards her...unfortunately, they put everything in one bucket and treat it virtually the same.

The truth is NOT vicious. It is hurtful. I am not sure though that your venting out stuff on him is gonna change him.

Just my 2 cents.

V

Once again, you are right Val I do not think it will change anything about him but I do think it alleviates some stuff inside of me.

I think that is why I got to this point. It was me realizing ..no matter what I do.. It will not change a thing about this situation. But If I am doing it for myself ..why would I care if I did.

Now, I am done saying my peace. I'm not one to continue doing it. And I do feel better letting H know how I felt for once. It wasnt about him. That felt good.

Kiki, glad you felt good doing it. I completely understand how you feel.

I don't have kids but if I did and was going through this...I am sure I would be spewing all the time! Me and my latin temper!!! I think you are doing great!

I think you are right in creating boundaries regarding your child. He needs to know how this is affects her. Regardless of what happens between you two...he is STILL and always will be her father. Again, I would be really hard-core on that...bad DBing and all...so I think you are doing great!

You have really held it together...they are so lost...I can see that in my H...he is just out there...and my anger is fading and I feel compassion towards him...

You really are an inspiration...

Valentine