Happy Moms Day to all the moms...I always feel very sad and weepy on this day..but did go to church today and then to MIL for supper. My d and I went together as she was going to work later, and on the way we talked a little about me wnating to sell the house and find something else..but I said I don't want to mention it to her dad, as I don't know what is going to happen..I told her I wish I had some answer one way or another..she said "have you two tried to work on anything?"I said "no" she said "then how would you expect any kind of answer" That is true..I keep thinking he just has no feelings left for me, but is afraid to tell me. At supper mil said that sil wanted to know if we were back together..she told her no..sil wanted to invite me to bil graduation, but did not know if she should..mil told her we are still m and of course to invite me..sil said good, that she was going to anyway.MIl said even if you two do get a d, I would still be part of family as I am the mother of her grandchildren. So...on the way home wiht h..I was asking him about the ff..if any old timers remember she was part of my problem with h..I asked h if she would help me plant some stuff cause she is pretty good at that..and I had tried to become her friend to better understand her and her problems..well..h said she wouldn't have time as "she is always with new bf".I asked if she evers calls him at midnight drunk like she did here..he said no, because she is always with bf. Then I said how nice it was that his family was not just dis-owning me..like my family has done with him....and that I wondered if h brother and sil would invite me to their d wedding in Oct...he said why wouldn't they..I said "your mother talks as if we are getting a d..and while that is a possibility it is not etched in stone is it"? He said simply"nothing is ever etched in stone". We were then at home and I thanked him for the ice cream cone we had gone to get, and got out. I think he is not ready for any more of a r talk..I gave him a chance to say something..anything. It was a big step for me to say what I did...I am not sure how to take his response about the etched in stone thing. I so want to be positive, but I really wanted him to grab me and hold me and say "I am still working on me...and I want to be with in the future but I need more time...just ANYTHING to show his feelings towards me.The negative feelings start to creep out and I feel rejected all over again.
I really think that was a great interaction. Nothing is etched in stone. Keep doing what you are doing. He is working on himself. Funny I came to terms with my petty jealousy this week and I feel so much better.
Don't pressure yourself. As you said , you are part of the family and FF has bf so that's good.
Thank guys...I just need to hear encouragement from time to time....I am taking this week off for some r & r...gardening..painting..shopping and soul searching...also going to try and get off cafffeine and start to try and lose some more weight...I woke up and said this is the first day of the rest of my life..I keep telling myself I'll be ok with or without h..but why is it so hard to really accept it may be without him??? Enough of the pitty party for Sue..I am going to enjoy the beautiful sunshine of the day.
Sue I just needed to vent and see it in writing!!!!
Had a great day..mowed mil lawn and then she asked me to lunch..I was not sure if I should go, as she and I don't always agree on things..but I went..she went on and on about bil ex and how awful she is(bil is a bag of lies, but I bit my tongue)..I tried to steer conversation to my h..her youngest son, and I said maybe I did too much around the house..maybe I should have asked him to mow the yard..she said "He doesn't like to do yard work"..she actually did not defend him like she does the other son. MIl"s are blind, as my h has always been there for her and yet the other is her favorite..go figure. As I was backing out of driveway last night to run up to work and get a few things for a project I am working on at home, h came up the street..my first thought was to pull back in and stay because he was here...but I did not..told him I had bonded with his mother..he just smiled. He was bringing over a little sander that he had told me he would get so I can work on the hallway steps and try and get the 50 year old varnish off the wood. He told me amonth ago he would get it..and of course impatient me was sure he never would, I almost went out and got one..whew..am I glad I didn't.So..I just said bye and went on my way.
Am going to enjoy another sunny day off of work!!!
You sound like you are doing pretty good inspite of being weepy. This isn't easy for anyone and I know that I have my ups and downs. It is so easy to read into whatever they say and whatever they do and I'm starting to understand more and more about getting on with your life.
I understand that I don't have to give up my marriage, but in order to not sit down and keep feeling sorry for myself because of my situation, I need to get out there and live. I now see that what attracted my H to me in the first place was the life that I had when we first met.
Now that all of this has been dumped on my shoulders along wtih taking care of a family, I'm no longer any fun because I'm constantly trying to fix everything.
Boy, trying to encourage you and having a light finally go off in my head. No wonder they keep telling you to come to the boards and write.
Keep doing the things that you are doing, and before you know it you are going to be right where you are supposed to be and you are going to be stronger then ever!
Thanks for checking in Laurie..glad that your post here helped you also!!! It does help to write..
You are right about getting on with life..it is far too short to wallow in self pitty...I know alot of sitch's are much more complicated and painful then mine..but to each of us it feels the same. I don't want to carry around pain and anger the rest of my life..and I don't. I guess if h was nasty and lieing and cheating on me I might feel different. I have really begun, with the help of our new pastors and reading, to put my life in God's hands and guide me to what his plans are for me. I have not turned religious freaky or anyhthing, but have come to understand what role He plays in our lives.
Had lunch with h and sil today after church..when he brought me home I was telling him about the mouse problem in our kitchen..and he knows I almost get physically sick thinking about mice..I set the trap myself and heard it snap last night and our s was not here..so I inched my way out to the kitchen and saw it still moving..finnly it stopped..then I knew I had to get rid of it.. my heart was just pounding and I almost had a panic attack of sorts picking it up with tongs and putting in garbage..told h I almost called him..he just kinda laughed his old familiar laugh...a few months ago he would have just had a disgusted look..he never would have put me down for having the fear..but the smile brought back the relaxed h I married.
So ..tomorrow is a new week..and I have to go back to work after the week off..it has been a most relaxing week of gardening..reading..just gathering thoughts.
I have been quiet..cause nothing to say??!! I feel like I don't belong here..I don't have the daily problems that others are facing..when I see or talk to h it is friendly,fun..just nothing as far as our r .I don't know where to go from here..we seem to be content for now..is it enough..or just easier..I want more..am I too impatient??who knows all these answers..
We are going to mil on Monday to help do some yardwork and a cook out... I say I don't belong here, but I would be lieing if I said I did not need all the support I get..my sitch is at a place where there isn't much to say..maybe one day I will be begging for help..because of really really bad thing developing or really great things..it has to go one way or another.
Take care..enjoy the weekend..Illinois weather is going to be great.
