Hey Jeff...I just wanted to say (and whack me with a 4X4 if needs be - ouch, thats a car in this country!) I have noticed you saying that alot, or on alot of threads "still thinking", or "I need to think about this some more"... do you think that might be something you could do a 180 on !?? I wonder if you are a little stuck, or stuck in yuor ways, or more of a thinker than a dooer (maybe the W shouting is her expressing frustration at you? Bad reaction though I agree!). You have been doing alot of thinking, but can you just take some action?? You change one thing in life, it changes everything. She wont change (or hasnt). What can you DO !? I guess you might be in a rut with it? I think Lisa mentioned 180s to you before, but I cant remember if you came up with any in your thread recently (sorry if I missed that!)
With the yelling, maybe straight walking off isnt going to work. Do you ever say calmly, I dont like this behaviour from you, it upsets me when you shout at me. I'd love to talk to you about X but that isnt possible when you shout - um, or something like that!? (you probably have and then some...)
Lastly, you havent mentioned your test results yet, but I'm thinking of you,
Ali xxx ____________ Me: 37 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Ali))))) You have a point! You analyse, I think! Between us, we'd never actually DO anything! I have gotten caught in a bit of a rut, and then I feel down, and don't feel like doing anything anyway. Hmmmmmm, now I am thinking again.:) Yes, Lisa, and Michelle, I think, have mentioned 180s, I am at a bit of a loss there, I have become very much a creature of habit. I think I might need to do something fairly drastic to break out.
The yelling has really been less of an issue lately. I would like to think that was a good thing, but I think she realized that it really wasn't working. Because I don't really care if she yells at me anymore. It bothers her a lot more than it bothers me, at this point.
The test results will be in Thursday or Friday, if the latest information was correct!
By the way, we only use 2x4's whack with! A 4x4 is really heavy, and hard to control!
You being detached from her yelling might be some DBing in and of itself. I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing. Getting her to actually ask for what she wants might be a lot harder...and you are right that her not yelling doesn't mean she feels better.
My fingers and toes are crossed on your test results.
The easiest way to think of 180s is to think of your daily routine, then think of the opposite. The point is not to come up with normal, reasonable routine reactions! So don't worry if they sound silly or whatever. Just make us a list and then we'll sort through them.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Brainstorm, man! Storm that brain! You are so creative with solving other people's problems. I know it is harder to use that creativity to solve your own (I have the same experience) BUT it is SO worth it!
If you can't come up with a list of 180s, then HOW ABOUT THIS. Tell us your basic daily routine. And WE will come up with 180s for you for every step of your day. It can be like multiple choice!
Forgive me if you've already talked about this, but are you exercising regularly and going to individual counseling? If you feel stuck those two things are SO HELPFUL. You can work on making your insides and outsides even more handsome! I am not sure what kind of exercise you are up for while waiting for your diagnosis but can you go for a short jog? For me 10 minutes on the treadmill makes me feel like a completely different person. Can you start doing yoga? Or just stretching? Can you go for a long walk? Can you play ping pong with your sons? Or basketball? Or squash? Or badminton? anything, get yourself moving! exercise = PMA. I forget this all the time, and then when I work out, I feel so amazing, and I know it's not just me!
Also, one thing that has helped me a lot, since I am in NC right now, is to work on myself and my own issues in individual counseling and examine how I contributed to my R crisis and practice with other people (not my SO) how to respond differently in similar situations. Cause it's not just the R ... it's me!! My mantra is: if the other person doesn't want to work on the R right now, work on YOURSELF. Are you REALLY doing that? I ask myself this all the time.
Finally... what are your strengths? It is easy to get lost in working on what we percieve as our weaknesses/faults.
Most of all... what has worked in your R in the past? This is SO IMPORTANT. When I read your thread, you say a lot, "she's always been like this." I can't believe that. You wouldn't have gotten married. There HAS to be a time, even if it was before you married, when things were different. There HAS to be a time when things were WORKING, otherwise you guys could not have been able to conceive four boys, right?!! SO... WHAT were you doing DIFFERENTLY when things were working??????
And also maybe try and think about the 5 most common arguments/issues you have with your W. We will be happy to help you come up with 180s for dealing with her/them.
It's always easier to be creative with someone else's stitch, and we're here for you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
((((((transformer)))))) OK, you have hit on the 180 that I think would be the most significant, good for me, and useful! I need to exercise. I don't do much at all. I think the best possibility is bike riding, I have a knee that I tore up years ago, running is a bad plan (I even asked a bone doctor that one). I could play horse, but actually playing basketball is out. I do like to golf, and plan to do more of that, but I play when it is 100 out, so walking is pretty much out, I use a cart. Many days I give the dog a mile walk, but that is pretty slow, not really great exercise. The other possibility would be a gym. I need to see if there is one convenient that I am not thinking of, otherwise it is an hour of travel (round trip) to do anything.
I am not seeing a C. I should consider that, I guess. I will look into the EAP at work, and see what the options there are.
As far as the "she's always been like this".... well, maybe not always, but it has been a long time. There really have been issues for a long time. I need to try to put together a time line, and see what pops out. I'll get back to you on that!
OK, I will be back later and post my routine, and my strengths and weaknesses!
Thanks...
