Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H never came back 5

With my H I'd bet serious money on fear and pride. He (like most people lol) doesn't like to have to admit he's wrong.

I'd better start getting ready for the st. patty's day celebrations!

I think pride is a big one. And the one that sometimes can't be overcome. That's why to me it seems that you need to make coming back as painless and comfortable as you can for him, when the time comes. I think that is a big part of the DB approach, trying not to assign guilt and blame.

Absolutely. And even though he hasn't always acted guilty or accepted blame, I'm sure deep in his gut he did feel it on occasion. So, no need for me to rub his nose in it to use another animal analogy lol.

Now I just gotta remember not to spook the horse!

I think pride and guilt are there too. My H doesn't want pple to know we're getting separated. I think he feels like he's failed me.... by not being able to make me happy... otherwise, why wouldn't I have made him feel loved, ... right? I failed him. Like your letter Michelle... I took my lovely wonderful husband for granted.

My therapist made an observation about how our love sometimes can feel like it's sucking the life out of the other person, we make them feel inadequate and unlovable. The book I'm reading Love without Hurt also talks about how unloved and feelings of inadequacy can lead to resentment... and the feelings of I don't love you anymore.

Fear of letting those barriers down again... only to have feelings of feeling guilty or inadequate... gotta find the way to make it easy as possible to "come back" home..... somehow.

Abbey

The resentment thing is a GREAT point. My H definitely had a lot of that. I think that's why DBing is about giving some space because they have to work through all their emotions and realize that you weren't trying to make them feel crappy.

Well, promised H I'd get taxes in the mail today, so had to call him when I realized he hadn't signed them lol. He didn't pick up, but he mentioned he was going to have a pretty crazy day at work today, so I just left him a voicemail.

I'm off to celebrate St. Patrick's Day since I'm not fasting for Holy Week I'm soooo evil.....tehehe

Ooh yeah, and I'm very glad I wore a nice bra yesterday!

Michelle, thanks for the comment on my thread.

sounds like you have lots of good things happening so far! I don't know what you wrote on your letter, but my H had mentioned to me that my letters had helped his decision to come back.

You sound like a very strong woman, I'm sure you will get thru this madness soon!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1372242

The letter is the first post. I cut out the last part about what I see for our future before I sent it. Everything else pretty much stayed the same.

My H had a stereotype of me that I never apologize for things. When we talked yesterday, he even admitted I probably had, but that he couldn't remember any times off the top of his head. So it was a combo 180 and therapy for myself.

No call back from him about the taxes. It's hard not to call him, but I know he's probably freaking out over breaking things off with OW, questioning himself, and generally being anti-social today. So, I'm NOT contacting H! I won't even contact him tomorrow...hopefully lol.

I think now is the hardest time not to contact him. Just remember that what you were doing is working...so keep doing that!! Keep giving him space, keep letting him think.


Hmmm....must have been more than a goodnight kiss!!!!!