I guess it's interesting to see different views of life in her friends words. Everything has to come from a place of 'spirituality' when she writes stuff. In other words, dramatic, inspiring, uplifting. Not 'thanks so much for supporting me, I appreciate it'.
Anyway, W is back to indifferent and somewhat negative in her interactions with me. This morning I was actually in a decent mood and was clowning around giving her a big toothy smile while being weird. She did the same thing back a few times and then says "what's the matter, have a rough night?" Ouch.
So I just stopped and smiled normally at her. Then walked away.
I don't know why she has to be this way. Avoiding, angry often, stays in our bedroom in the evening and reads or watches TV alone.
I've pretty much gotten to the point where I have no faith that she will ever have a change of heart. As far as she's concerned she 'tried to love me' and it didn't work out, I fell into the pit again and stayed there way too long. There's really no reason for her to change her mind. She seems to dislike being here but she still sleeps with me. Maybe it's to 'prove' to herself she doesn't care about me.
Sure, I'm slowly changing my outlook for myself. It's been hard to get past the depression since I've been in it a long time. Eventually it too will pass.
At least I no longer feel the anger towards her as much, so I can be decent and somewhat caring at times. That's one thing I'll do well in this situation, not be mean and angry.
I accept that this is the way she is and that her core nature will never change. I know that the past years of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed is not my 'core nature' so I know that the 'Frank' who she once loved is who I really am. Perhaps someday there will be someone who will find me to be the person they want to love and who will be able to do so without any fear.
Regardless, I'll be ok eventually. It still hurts.
Continuing on the path of letting go of her, I realize that it doesn't matter that she did or did not do things to help me when I was an emotional mess. The reality is that I was letting my own fears run my life and because of that I lost track of my 'self'.
That was MY responsibility. Sure, everyone can say that a real wife would have her husbands back and actually take action to help him. I can accept that I didn't have a 'real wife'.
I did meet her when she was young and I did protect her, take care of her, love her. She is who she is.
She's so far disconnected from me that there isn't any reason for me to think she'll ever change her view of the situation. Sometimes she's pleasant, sometimes she's not. She's rarely unhappy. Always she's detached. Talking to her is like talking to a roommate. Not even a friend. always a neutral tone.
She's living her own life now, she's let me go. So, I need to do the same thing.
The first order of business for me the past few days has been to continue to look at how I can dig out of the hole I'm in. She has been working more hours and trying to contribute to the financial situation, and when I thanked her for that, she said 'well, I have to because it needs to be done'. I suppose she sees she cannot just move out until she can get past the mess we're in.
Anyway, been hanging on too long to some kind of hope for our marriage where there really is none. There's a lot of hope for my future. just not with her.
Anyway, been hanging on too long to some kind of hope for our marriage where there really is none. There's a lot of hope for my future. just not with her.
...for now.
And that's the way to be thinking anyway.
Don't worry about the future of you TWO. Take care of the future of you and the girls.
Live life. Let what happens happen.
We'll see how things turn out.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Remember the saying "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself"? It's so true, because staying in this angry funk hurts YOU. It's not a good or happy or healthy place to be.
What can you do to redirect your attention to a more positive place?
Ellie (PS - that saying always used to tick me off before I really got it; why should I let H off the hook for hurting me, I thought???).
Her friend 'P' who is the 40 ish never had a relationship best friend who she 'cuddles' with when she visits was here friday / saturday. I'm very uncomfortable when she's around and I'm sure W picks up on that.
She and I had to go to a funeral on Saturday. During the service her phone 'beeped' the text message sound. She had to go to the bathroom soon after that. Nothing like a blatant reminder that she is still in EA with married guy who 'loves his wife'.
W was very difficult to be around Saturday and Sunday. On Sunday she cleaned the house, then decided to move herself into the guest bedroom after 'P' went home. She said she had to 'move forward'. So, the master bedroom is mine again. Just like last time.
I guess I let the reminder of the EA and the moving get to me so I had to leave for a few hours.
I ended up talking with her Dad and Stepmom for a while. They are aware of the situation and once again are not supportive of her choices. They think she needs medication or at the least some real counseling. Their advice to me is let her go and move on because she has been a quitter so many times before and they say "how do you know she won't do it again and again.?" They say that I am as much family as she is, and they respect what I have done and that I have admitted my role in all this and have been capable and willing to get help.
Anyway, they are pretty sad and she doesn't talk to them about this so they know there is nothing they can do until she does, and even then it won't matter.
As her dad said, even if half of what you've told us is true, she's still wrong for leaving you and breaking up the family.
And, he said I deserve to be happy and for whatever reasons I'm not going to get that with his daughter. Her mom was apparently the same way and he told me some stories that were similar to W's actions.
Anyway, they have always liked me and they just want me to be happy, and they truly believe she won't be happy till she deals with her demons and she doesn't appear to be willing to do that.
