Joie, Thank You so much!!!! My H did text me last night and said he will come over this morning and we can try to work on having a REAL friendship. He said is done gambling with our M and that he needs to take care of him self now and to please not think he is being selfish.
I have decided that today I need to be strong and tell him that it is either going to be the Booze or Me. It is up to him to fix his problems, and we can never have a healthy relationship until he is sober.I will let him know that I still love him and will do anything to help. (But I am sure he will just run again & keep on drinking until he hits a rock bottom).
It sounds like he has already changed his mind about trying to work on our M - so what do I have to lose. TIPPER
hang in there Tipper - he's conflicted and unsure how to handle himself. Just be your confident, positive self. My W is also doing the back and forth thing, though I haven't been through it as much as you have.
Well it is allready over with, our third time around at our M lasted for only a week.
He finally called me this afternoon around 1:30 and asked to come by. When he got here he told me he was so drunk on friday night that he didn't even remember our fight we had the next morning until after I had left and that is why he made love to me. He asked if I remembered it.
I said Yes and that I was sorry I got so mad and emotional, but the issues are still a concern. I said that it is not healthy for us to try to reconcile if he is going to be at the bars everynight and drinking as much as he does.
He basically said that he is not willing to change and that I have always know he has been an alcoholic and I am expecting him to be someone he is not. He said he doesnt want to work on our M, and that he would rather live the way he has been living. He said he just want to be friends and that he hopes that we can divorce amicably.
I said that if the bars and booze is what he wants, then to go have it, and that I really wish he wanted to work on our M instead.
He had a childish smirk on his face as he asked me if it would be ok if he takes his beer with him out of the fridge. Then he gave me a hug. When he let go, I had a teardrop down my face but I did pretty well about not crying or getting emotional.
So I guess I am gonna leave my piecing thread behind and go back to the MLC forum for now. I do have hopes that someday I can be back here though. Thank you all for the encouragement and advice while I was here. TIPPER
I just was wondering if anyone can help me understand if I was the reason we couldn't make my H's and my M work out this time or if what I did and said is normal if/when the MLC'er is not quite ready.
My H didn't seem very remorseful, I still felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, and he continuously wanted to drink and go to the bars.
After about a week of that, I think my emotions just blew up. I told him that we can not have a healthy reconnection if he is drinking as much as he is and going to the bars all the time.
He said he likes that lifestyle and won't change it.
I don't know whether to think that he was just not ready to exit the tunnel and wanted to keep his security blanket (me) from moving on too far forward. Or if I just blew the whole piecing situation by letting my own issues with him come to the forfront?
I was only being honest with him, and he didn't want to hear it. I feel so stupid for thinking that we could make it and really hurt that he would rather have the booze/bars over working things out with me. This is hurting so bad all over again. TIPPER
You are not the reason that this didn't work. Your H clearly has problems with alcohol. I can't really give you much insight on the MLC...although my dad did have one about 5 years ago. His lasted around four years. We all walked on eggshells around him for fear of saying the wrong thing. He would usually get mad and then we wouldn't hear from him for days. He has come out of it and is back to the person that he was when I was a kid. I can tell he isn't happy though and is dissappointed in the choices he made during that time.
You can't live your life like that. You can't be afraid that you are going to say or do something that will send him running. I think what you have to decide now is whether or not you want to wait. It may take him a while. YOU deserve to be happy too and until he is ready to face his problems I don't think you will be happy with him. You shouldn't have to just bottle your issues.
You have a right to your feelings too and at some point those would have to be addressed. Don't feel stupid, this has nothing to do with you.
Tipper, My guess would be that he's not ready yet. That is waht happened with my H. The first time my H came home (yes, there were several attempts), he was home only for a week. And he was dringking a lot and by teh end of the week, he became so distant from me. Then off again he went. He said that he thought I was waht he wanted, but now he knows it's not.
Fast forward two years later, H is back home and has been living here again since June. It's been a long, hard road, with lots of ups and downs and back and forths. It took a long time for my H to deal with all the issues that needed to be dealt with. And now we are on the road to building a healthy M.
So, I do beleive your H just isn't ready. Just let him go. Live your life. Your H needs to fix himself. you cannot do it for him.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Sorry for a wee hijack, Tipper, but I just wanted to thank peaceful-spirit. My W just moved out after 2 weeks back and I found peaceful's words supportive.
And Tipper, I'm sorry you find yourself where you're at. Drinking is a problem - I've had to deal with it myself. He's not willing to admit to himself that he has a problem. Peaceful is right, he needs to fix himself. Make sure you detach enough from him to protect your own emotional space. You can do that and still love him and show him that love.
I do believe that he simply isn't ready yet either. I didn't see actions of a true commitment he just tried at first to use words.
Sometimes I still cant believe that he is going through all this, it seems so unreal, he has become the complete opposite of his core personality.
I also can't believe that just about a year ago now was when he first left me and I soon after found this place and michelles books. It gave me so much hope. I remember reading that it could take several years, and at the time I just couldnt accept that and I thought our love was much stronger than that. Soon after (4 months) he actually came running back and very dissapointed in himself and apologetic to me and we pieced for 5 months. I thought things were good, but he left again a week before christmas. Now this last weeks experience, and I feel like my head is spinning.
I have so much healing to do. I finally got out today and worked on an art project with my friend and then we went to a volleyball league and played for the first time. It was good for me, but it still very hard to take my mind off my H and what he's done/doing. Thanks again for the support! TIPPER
