"Once this line is crossed, it seems to me that it takes a herculean effort to ensure that you would not cross it again".
Frank said:
Quote:
"Most 'affair' books I've read talk about each situation being different. It's common for the LBS to have to have some kind of atonement from the WAS because they have been severely HURT and betrayed. It's not a punishment where they have to 'beg for forgiveness'. It's them having enough empathy to understand what they put you through and if they love you enough, they will want to heal that wound any way they can."
It doesn't take "effort" not to cheat if what Frank said is what is truly felt by the offending spouse. That it wouldn't be done again, due to the depth of understanding and feeling - which is an incredibly painful depth to reach - goes without saying for the person who once cheated. That said, not everyone wants to feel that pain they caused their spouse and family on such a deep level, and personally, I'd suggest to them that NOT try to understand on too profound a level because I begged for that understanding and I wish to God I hadn't. It is too heavy a weight to carry and after two years of it, I am unraveling at breakneck speed. Once you add to that the unforgiveness of the spouse, that unbearable weight WILL eventually manifest itself no matter how much that person tries to comprehend that God has forgiven them.
In the world, unforgiveness by the victim can prevent the cheater from being able to really forgive him/herself. Granted, unforgiveness is a prison of the cheaters own making but it can and will hold both parties hostage and worldly justice, I suppose, is the fact that in the end, it is the victim that holds the keys...
What I find most difficult are the nights when she goes to a get together at her friends house. One of her gripes was that we didn't go out and mingle with other couples, or if we did I didn't hang around her enough. Of course, SHE didn't get involved socially with anybody until after she was 'done' with me.
So, she's going to a surprise birthday party at a friends house tonight and if we WERE a couple we'd have fun together and maybe her 'needs' would actually be fulfilled. So why is it that she doesn't do anything socially when we're together, complains about it, then does it NOW? Why is it she is unhappy about her weight, her body, complains about it, blames me for bringing home junk food, but now she's losing weight and getting healthy NOW?
I got to live with her when she was not happy. But I don't get to live live with her when she is doing what she needs to 'be happier'.
She's not happy. Happiness is the illusion she's trying to chase. To fill that empty hole she feels inside. You did it for her for a while, but you can't fill that void. Neither will what she is doing now. She seems happy because it's something new - Like getting a new car. Looks great till you get used to it and see that your neighbor got next years' model. It will wear off, then she'll try the next thing, and the next thing.
I've heard it likened unto someone running on a treadmill. They watch TV, listen to an Ipod, or look out the window to distract themselves from the fact that they're really going nowhere. Until she 'wakes up' and takes a good look around, she won't realize that all her efforts are just a distraction and what she really needs to do is step off the treadmill. You and I can see it because we're watching her. Make sure you're not on the treadmill beside her trying to figure her out. Step off and use your efforts to get you somewhere.
Infidelity ALONE is an issue that takes ENORMOUS effort for most marriages to overcome. Put infidelity together with a situation like most of us have been in, where daily we were more worried about the state of a possible reconciliation, and it's easy to see how we can allow a CLEARLY significant issue to be minimized in our efforts to restore the "marriage."
Frank...I can vouch for that. I stayed through 3, let's say, indiscretions during which time I was working as best I can to achieve that brass ring here. I was repaid heavily with repetitive infidelity. Again, does one believe in statistics? If recidivism is high, is it worth the risk?
Originally Posted By: frank_d
It's not a punishment where they have to 'beg for forgiveness'. It's them having enough empathy to understand what they put you through and if they love you enough, they will want to heal that wound any way they can.
...and I agree with this frank. I read a similar book. It is not a matter of torturing them forever...punishing them for their transgressions...demanding a bounty. It's about their ability to see what they did was WRONG while married..it's about their ability to WANT you AND the trust back and THAT is where THEY must do the work. I'm not sure what book you read, but, most of the one's I've read say that if the person who committed the infidelity is not willing to put the work in, most M's end up in D.
Quote:
Forgiveness can be given honestly and sincerely, and trust can still remain destroyed.
And that, Frank...THAT...will be the epitaph on the tombstone of my marriage. Text messages that say sorry and 'unsubstantiated claims' that they want the marriage back...mean nothing without their desire to gain back trust. Trust frank...trust...is the foundation on which love rests. Without it......................................................................................
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It will wear off, then she'll try the next thing, and the next thing.
Yeah..new car, then new clothes, then naval ring, then tattoo, then new body...then OM. She's still unhappy. That's the path and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, now that your W is starting the gym workouts....... FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
She's not happy. Happiness is the illusion she's trying to chase. To fill that empty hole she feels inside. You did it for her for a while, but you can't fill that void. Neither will what she is doing now. She seems happy because it's something new - Like getting a new car. Looks great till you get used to it and see that your neighbor got next years' model. It will wear off, then she'll try the next thing, and the next thing.
Maybe that's true. Either way I'm sure to her _anything_ is better than being in the relationship we had, with me in the emotional state I was in. That's what is so sad about this. That instead of seeing me as a person she loves with 'possibilities', instead of remembering how I stood for our marriage 2 years ago while she was crashing, or even realizing what a toll that took on me, she saw me as a person she couldn't 'fix' when I was falling down, and who couldn't fix himself.
It was uncomfortable, and unhappy, and her final choice was to give up on me.
And every day she sees me be either neutral or sad as I try my best to get out of the hole I've been in - without her help - and in her mind that helps her to reinforce her belief that I'll 'never be a happy person'.
That's so unfair. Life is unfair but if you decide to love someone you should mean it.
One thing that bothers me is how 'easy' it is for her to shut off feelings for me, and turn on feelings for other men. I guess I'll never understand that.
It was uncomfortable, and unhappy, and her final choice was to give up on me.
That's so unfair. Life is unfair but if you decide to love someone you should mean it.
"Let it Die" by Three Days Grace
We had fire in our eyes, in the beginning. I never felt so alive, in the beginning. You, you blame me but,
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try. I just don't want to hear it anymore.
I swear, I never meant to let it die, I just don't care about you anymore. It's not fair when you say that I didn't try. I just don't care about you anymore.
We had time on our side, in the beginning. We, we had nothing to hide, in the beginning. You, you blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try, I just don't want to hear it anymore.
I swear, I never meant to let it die, I just don't care about you anymore. It's not fair when you say that I didn't try. I just don't care about you anymore.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
