That is really good advice...."I just want a great family," I'm going to try saying more stuff like that and stay away from the marriage talk!!
H came over this morning to see son. I was really surprised that he actually showed up. WE had a great morning. Had fun together for the first time in a while..or at least I did. We joked around, went into town and let our son run around for a while then went and got lunch together. H was crappy when he left but I think it was just because he had to go to work.
H made several comments to me today about "our house, or our car" things like that, lots of marriage comments. I joked with him and corrected him "my car and my house" we laughed about it at least so that was good. H made comments about us being married and not looking at other guys, blah blah said something about me needing to follow the rules. I said in a laughing voice "you dont follow them so why do I have to". So we said stuff like that back and forth today but it was good to sort of kid around about it too. He always talks about us being together and how he is working on things but I'm not sure exactly what that means and I'm not going to ask at this point either.
It sounds like you had a great morning with your H! If he was crappy when he left, perhaps it was because he had to go to work, but it also means he was enjoying himself with you and your son!
Do you guys think it's wrong to plan something fun to do with H??? I'm not sure what is going on with him and OW because I dont ask. Last I heard he was "starting to break things off". I guess I just dont want to set myself up for any disappointment and make too much out of anything. AT the same time I think it would be good for us to hang out and just have fun. NOt sure what to do.
H sent me a text this afternoon thanking me for having fun this morning and how he had a good time. I really hope things are starting to turn around
How are you? Saw you stopped by my thread. My sitch is pretty convoluted so if you read it, settle in with a cup of tea or a glass of wine first!
I don't think it's wrong to plan something fun with your H. It's all what you feel is right, do what feels good for you. You've been keeping your distance and have been fairly detached from him. If your goal is to R your M, my opinion is that it's good to not go totally dark. Have fun with him. Keep it light. Let him see what he will be missing. You certainly had fun with him the other day.
Just make it casual. Don't set yourself up for a fall. If you're just started walking, you don't want to run yet!
Well maybe should have read what Joie wrote sooner!!
H came over yesterday and it was a disaster!!! MAJOR SETBACK. H came over in a bad mood to begin with, could tell he really didnt want to be here. Anyway I was looking forward to the night..totally set myself up for a fall. Made dinner for us, then H mentioned oh by the way I wont be here tomorrow to watch our son I am going to the casino instead. I blew!! I'm tired of being told one thing and him doing another. I'm tired of being the only one who is responsible for our son. I was mad that all week long he said he was coming over in fact up until 7pm last night. I'm tired of hearing him say that his son is so important to him and how much he misses him but then he choses to do other things. He really only see's him on the weekends as it is!! So I left, got out of the house for a while and came back much happier. H called twice and sent me several text messages appologizing and wanting to talk. I cam home about 3 hours later and we did talk.
Same crap I want to be with you and be hear more than anything BUT i'm still living at OW house. Claims not as much though "I am starting to distance myself" we talked about that not being acceptable but he says he cant walk away yet it's too much stress and he cant handle it. Says "it will put me over the edge"
I'm SO sick of him thinking he can have us both!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!! I am so frustrated and dont know what I should do
Hurtmom, So sorry you went from such a good day to a bad one. That's the roller coaster ride with these WAS! The one thing that struck me is statement that breaking up with OW "will put ME over the edge." That and the fact he's pretty much doing what he wants, when he wants to do it ... he's thinking all about himself. He's being pretty selfish. What does he think this is doing to you?
You keep going down those cheeseless tunnels with him. Think about what you've done in the past few months that has helped and what has not. Is there anything you can do differently?
I dont know I'm so frustrated I feel like I cant see things any differently right now. The things that have worked have been real recent...just making sure I am happy, keeping busy and not telling him who I am with, and changing my apperance some. It's just very difficult to keep that up and then hear he left my house and went to OW. I know I should be doing those things for myself and not to get him back but I have a hard time drawing the line. Your right I totally keep going down the cheeseless tunnels I just dont know what else to do.
He has been so extremly selfish these past few months. He only thinks of himself and what he wants with no regard to his son or myself. That's not the person I met and fell in love with. He continues to tell me he wants back home but dosent know where to start, how to fix this or how to leave OW. Maybe it's what I want to believe but I do think he wants his "old life back". I'm just not sure how to make that happen or what to do. He says he is trying or he is working on things but he's really not doing a damn thing to change. Part of me thinks I need to do something to "push him off the fence" to show him it's not okay to have a wife and a girlfriend. Then I think it dosent matter what I do he only does what he wants to anyway.
Tomorrow i'm going to dinner at his parents house. H will be there so I'm really not looking forward to that. His family has been SO supportive of me though I feel like I owe them. I do enjoy hanging out with H and want to spend time with him BUT then I convince myself things are getting better only to be disappointed yet again......
The other question I guess I have is i'm not being needy and we talk once a day. Is that too much???? I wonder if I should make him feel like I need him to some extent so he dosent give up but at the same time I know I will be okay without him. I dont want to do anything to push him any farther away than he is. It's been 3 months and there is so much distance between us
I don't know. I have been talking to my H every day also in person or email. I haven't read any rules about how much is too much, but I have read here others suggest you should try not to be available 100% of the time. Like don't return every email or answer every phone call like you are waiting for their call or something. Plus if you are together you should try to be the first one to leave which is one I am working on doing more. I think at least in my case my H has taken me for granted for the past few years (or longer?) and it is good for him to realize that maybe he shouldn't! Karen
I guess today went well I have just been very emotional this weekend. H came over, went to IL for dinner and that all went well. We did have a small R talk, brought up by husband. I'm just not ever sure how to act around him. I want to hang out and have fun but then I feel as though I set myself up for disappointment knowing he is going back to OW. I am not a patient person to begin with and these last 3 months seems like 3 years. He continues to tell me the same (he wants to work things out) but STILL does not take any action. I miss him so much, I miss hanging out I miss the affection, telling him I love him and hearing it back. It's so hard and so frustrating. I was doing so well these past 2 weeks and had seen some small changes and I feel like I completly ruined that this weekend. It's hard to constantly pretend like your life is okay when it's not. I feel so fake all the time. I hate being alone. Although I have been getting out and doing more it still stinks. I dont know how anyone does this for any length of time. I'm tired of the situation but NOT ready to give up just yet. I just know i need and deserve better than the way he has been treating me. How could anyone do this to someone they love and then just continue doing it when they admit it's wrong??????
Karen