...at least I think that's right. I'm a little email confused in this place. Give it a try.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I went back a bit through your past thread to pull out the things that you wrote that remind me of MYSELF:
Your wife wants to be persued. She wants you to make all the first moves. (me too. I have always been scared to make the first moves, esp in a sitch like this. Very scared of rejection, and I don't know why. I mean, this IS my husband for Christ's sake. Why am I afraid he'll reject me? I guess I've been there with him and been hurt?)
Your wife seems to not be the type to fully open up and put her heart out on the table. I won't do that either. She NEEDS to know that it's safe. Do you try to control or even "fix" everything when she opens up to you? If she comes to you with a problem, do you offer suggestions and then persist that she does what you suggested? (all I want is to vent sometimes, most times, but h HATES for me to vent without allowing him to tell me how to make it better. I often don't take his suggestions, and he gets angry.)
Your wife often takes everything you say and makes it the worst possible, negative way. (BIG TIME ME!! I totally relate to her feeling as if you told her she was fat and ugly because you asked her about going to the gym. In fact, I did exactly that. My h asked me for a long time to go to the gym with him. I resisted because I HATE gyms, but always took it that he thinks I need to lose weight. Now, he uses the PD gym so I can't go and I'm OK. But, I do read DEEPLY into EVERYTHING he says and try to see the worst. He even said exactly what you did about me "inventing my own reality" more than once.)
He also told me that I have a "victim mentality" more than once. Is that cop lingo?? Because, I've NEVER heard that term before the both of you used it. Please elaborate on "victim mentality"
I also thought my husband was always angry and he always said he's not angry, he's frustrated...I think you made a similar reference.
And, I'd DIE if my husband ever did the laundry.
There are some distinct differences. Your wife and I have VERY different love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. WAY at the bottom are quality time and acts of service. I also do NOT think I'm a different person than when we got married. I DO think my husband is and that makes things VERY hard, because I want the old him back.
Oh, and I funny side note... I LOVE Jack Johnson and "sitting, wishing, waiting" is my most played song on my i-pod. Kinda funny.
Anyways, your wifes not a bad person. She's a hurt, passive-aggresive player. I hope I can help you.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
thank you. when i tell people she had a victim mentality it means to me that she is playing a marter. she has protraid a person whio takes enjoyment out of certin actions, and now says she was just doing them to make me happy even ewhen she didnt want to. EVERYTHING she feels was aimed to make her feel like less of a person. never mind the pain anyone else is feeling now SHE is the one who has felt the most. my W is a sweet wonderfull person and it was always kind of a running gag on how geat she was to my unrealised screwups. a " o Brian what am i going to do with you" attitue was there i guess.
the problem is my W is aslo daddy's little girl. she IS wonderfull and i love her deeply. but as a self realised man with a lot of things to work on, and a H who addmitts his wife is his best friend,when i did tell my W she was wrong she didnt know how to take it. my friends had no idea of her passive agressivness, only seen her wonderfulness. so now im told from all fronts " Brian you have screwed up a lot sometimes, but you never meant to and now you are takeing full responsibility. but my W says she is workingh on the marrage, but is more going through a MLC then trying to make any efforts, and when she does she zaps me.
take the upcomming weekend I'm so scared about i told her honestly that i wanted to not drink to much so things wouldn't happen that would't if we were sober. but she bulldozed right through me. im not even worth listening to anymore.
and when i say she is creating her own reality its just me basicly saying that the only side she cares about is her. take the gym. her side says I'm ripping on her, while mine says i was inocently saying use something we are paying for. but in her state of mind there is no room for doubt shes right. since I'm the villin then i MUST be tying to hurt her. LAdey B I'm trying my damndest not to do anything wrong but i keep slipping further and furthwer into dispair.
well here we go. im going to MC today and giving my W a list of things to do that dont involve drinking. If you guys got any date idead let me know. this numbness setting in is kind of bothering me realy bad. i hope this weekend helps me shake it.
I went back a bit through your past thread to pull out the things that you wrote that remind me of MYSELF:
Your wife wants to be persued. She wants you to make all the first moves. (me too. I have always been scared to make the first moves, esp in a sitch like this. Very scared of rejection, and I don't know why. I mean, this IS my husband for Christ's sake. Why am I afraid he'll reject me? I guess I've been there with him and been hurt?)
Your wife seems to not be the type to fully open up and put her heart out on the table. I won't do that either. She NEEDS to know that it's safe. Do you try to control or even "fix" everything when she opens up to you? If she comes to you with a problem, do you offer suggestions and then persist that she does what you suggested? (all I want is to vent sometimes, most times, but h HATES for me to vent without allowing him to tell me how to make it better. I often don't take his suggestions, and he gets angry.)
Your wife often takes everything you say and makes it the worst possible, negative way. (BIG TIME ME!! I totally relate to her feeling as if you told her she was fat and ugly because you asked her about going to the gym. In fact, I did exactly that. My h asked me for a long time to go to the gym with him. I resisted because I HATE gyms, but always took it that he thinks I need to lose weight. Now, he uses the PD gym so I can't go and I'm OK. But, I do read DEEPLY into EVERYTHING he says and try to see the worst. He even said exactly what you did about me "inventing my own reality" more than once.)
He also told me that I have a "victim mentality" more than once. Is that cop lingo?? Because, I've NEVER heard that term before the both of you used it. Please elaborate on "victim mentality"
I also thought my husband was always angry and he always said he's not angry, he's frustrated...I think you made a similar reference.
And, I'd DIE if my husband ever did the laundry.
There are some distinct differences. Your wife and I have VERY different love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. WAY at the bottom are quality time and acts of service. I also do NOT think I'm a different person than when we got married. I DO think my husband is and that makes things VERY hard, because I want the old him back.
Oh, and I funny side note... I LOVE Jack Johnson and "sitting, wishing, waiting" is my most played song on my i-pod. Kinda funny.
Anyways, your wifes not a bad person. She's a hurt, passive-aggresive player. I hope I can help you.
Thanks for sharing that about yourself MSLB. Given the qualities about yourself that you describe, if you were a WAW...would LRT work since you need to be persued and need to know it is safe? Thanks.
Nate
Me: 32 X Fiancee: 34 Bomb: 2/5/08 Separated: 2/6/08
Time together is my big issue also. Even when we do have time there is a lot of friction. I don't know how we can work on things when time together is not there. PROBLEM!
To answer Nate's question. No way. LRT would in no way work for me. However, a lot of persuing and persuading would also irritate me. I think small gestures in my love language, would do it. Then, when things settled down, the persuing could get stronger. I like groveling, but not in a way that makes my man look weak. I never realized until these last couple posts how complicated I really am. Kinda sucks. I thought I was your typical girl, now I'm not sure I like myself.
BT, we too have lots of friction when we're together that REALLY makes this difficult. How are we supposed to fix things when we can't even be in the same room without an argument?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
well it was a good day. w and i spent the whole C session makeing plans for the weekend. we then went to a coffe shop and talked for a hour. she even called me after on the way home to tell me about a life house song that reminded her of me and the work im doing i kind of backslide there but didnt mean to. as i was about to hang up i automaticly said i love you. i quick kind of panic and said "oh im sorry i mean ill talk to ya later" realy fast and hung up. man im a weeny
I think saying ILY, then quickly retracting it was a good "quick on your feet" move! It shows you are still in the game, but respecting her request for space. It's OK to make mistakes.
