Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Still Confused - Just not as fresh

Neecy,

I don't think it's so much that you can't TALK to him at all, as it is you need to:

- not initiate the talks

- not engage in R talks, even if HE initiates. DON'T DO IT!!

- not be so responsive when he texts or calls you; be UNAVAILABLE more often;

- DON'T MEET ANY OF HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN THE CONVOS

You can be civil; even cordial. Be what a decent friend or roommate would be. But don't be what a WIFE should be, or even what a BEST friend would be. Because as long as he's getting those emotional needs filled by you, and some others filled by OW, he will continue to waffle back and forth between both pieces of cake.

At least, that's what worked for me. It was my FRIENDSHIP that my wife said she missed the most.

Puppy

I am not purposely not talking to him, but if I do not initiate phone calls or even talking the talking may be few and far between. At first when i tried this as a 180 back in January I saw positive results, but I have actually come to the conclusion that this was prior to my contact with OW and H got concerned about what I was "up to" whenever I was out of contact with him for awhile. Now he doesn't really seem to care.

Question was your wife clear that this is what you were doing because at the point when my H is initiating contact after we have not spoken most of the evening it is very hard to not have a relationship talk or just go with the flow.

Neecy,

I'm not entirely understanding your question, but my wife did know very clearly that I wasn't going to meet any of her physical or emotional needs as long as she was having an affair. I told her, and I stuck to it. There were days when it was very easy, because she was being b#tchy or I knew she had been with OM, but then there were other days when it killed me to see her in such pain.

But I stuck with it.

I would occasionally give her an AOS (like cover her up with the blanket when she had fallen asleep on the couch), or give her a nice, linger-for-just-a-second kiss on her forehead, or a hug initiated by me and broken by me, but these were just often enough (1x/week maybe?) to show her that I still loved her, and hoped she made the "right" decision.

I did NOT say any "ILYs."

Because I have stunk so bad at setting my boundaries no one else believes them either so the no contact boundary is not taken seriously, so my H will still try to initiate contact constantly. This has to either end in R talk or submission.

Neecy, let me know if you got the e-mail I sent you. My computer's acting a little funny.

Neecy,

Perhaps if you could give us an example of how a recent conversation with your H went, where you inadvertently swerved either into R talk or "submission," we could give you an alternative way to handle it?

Puppy

I don't think anyone wants me to get into too much detail but it is not a conversation it is H actively pursuing intimacy(not with words). When(if) I decline there will have to be a reason provided which will result in an argument and R talk.

I didn't make it through the night last night without R talk. And it wasn't because of the reasons listed above. It was more just H and general pushing. His favourite recent passtime is to try to get me mad by saying really stupid things and just keeping at it. He used to be like this but it is not funny now that everything else has happened. I said a number of times I do not think this is funny and I don't want to talk about this but eventually I snapped and it R talk came up. Then his reponse was I don't know why you always have to bring this up.

Neecy,

You most certainly don't have to engage in R talk if you don't want to. If he says "stupid things," say "Now you're just being stupid. Goodnight." and roll over and go to sleep. If he says HURTFUL things, say "You're being hurtful -- please stop it. Goodnight," and roll over and go to sleep.

You cannot engage someone who won't engage.

If he tries to initiate intimacy, you can refuse him, and you don't need to give a reason. He doesn't deserve one. "Because I don't want to," or "Because I choose not to" should suffice, but you could always add "Because I cannot be intimate with someone who is being intimate with someone outside of my marriage, that's why, and I can't believe you would even have to question that. Goodnight."

I know this is hard, but until you refuse all R talks, and end being intimate with him, you're allowing him to cake-eat, and only adding to your own frustration.

Puppy

Neecy,

Puppy is too right. You don't have to give him and explanation for not wanting to be intimate, no means no...period. The other stuff, walk away if you have to or you can always tell him, "We can try and talk later, when you feel better." Its the little victories that help us build to bigger ones.

I am just as guilty of the same things and its nice to have so many people to give you feedback and help. You can do this. If you weren't in love with your H, and he were a stranger, would you let him lead you into a discussion that you did not want? Its really hard, but sometimes, looking at it as if he was someone you didn't know so well helps me detach and focus on what "I" need to do, and not be lead into a situation that will not be beneficial to me or the goal I am trying to accomplish.