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This birthday card, Do you require any explosives

Or, expletives????

The best advice I got in this stage was: "You can never be happy with 50% of 100% ever." Made me realize that neither one of us was going to be happy about any split, so things went a lot quicker.

Just keep things simple with H - just a simple I saw my L yesterday and your L will hear from him. You can't control how quickly your L corresponds with H's L and you need to point this out. Just remember for now he will still be looking for things to pick you up on! First it was have you done something and then it will be why can't you do it quicker - you won't win but it will at least be chaff blowing in the wind from H as you will know that you have done it. Before you knew you hadn't seen L and now you have so you should let it go over your head. There is no more you can do for now. I think that the advice Teddy was given was brilliant. You can also look at it from the point of view of the marriage - who wants half a marriage. I don't know about all of you but it is all or nothing for me and luckily now my H is back he wants it that way too. You are doing great and if your H can't speak civily to you then don't talk to him at all!!

Teddy I like that advice. Thank you.


That is what I was trying to say when I said I emailed him. I didn't get a chance to explain that is what the email was about!


Yes I'm beginning to think that this is what I need to do. I just struggle with it b/c it doesn't make me look very loving does it!

I was always loving when it was needed but gave it straight when it was needed too. There is loving and there is not letting someone make you feel small and insignificant. I have learnt (and I do it even now we are reconciled and v happy)to speak out if I am spoken to sharply or in a manner which is unkind or hurtful. (my H has PTSD so is prone to snapping) It is like removing yourself if a child is screaming or having a tantrum. Always in my mind was the thought that when this was all over (and I thought we were divorcing) I would have my pride intact and would have behaved in a way I would be proud to look back on. Obviously it didn't work all the time. lol As long as you are not rude or shout back I don't see how it can be taken as "unloving". Standing up for yourself is not being unloving. If you are ever reconciled the ground rules you lay now will be the foundations of your new life together.

Thanks for that Ellie it put things in perspective for me.

Ali

I won't be posting on the board anymore but we can catch up by email, phone, text etc. <hugs>

Its Hs birthday today. I haven't dwelled on it too much as I have been in a training course all day. I sent the card I made for him. There has been no acknowledgement but then I didn't expect any.

As far as I know the kids have not wished him happy birthday. I told the younger two that I would give them some money to buy H a present (D17 has a job so is able to buy her own) they just needed to let me know what they wanted to get and how much it was. I pushed this until Sunday and then i have left it alone. They didn't ask for any money and they don't have any of thier own b/c they always spend their pocket money virtually in one go. I'm a bit torn b/c I feel bad for not pushing it further but the decision to wish him well on his birthday had to come from them not me. D12 in particular gets uptight when I talk about H so I try not to anymore.

H has still not replied to the email I sent a week ago about S15s premium bond win. There are two things I can infer from this. Firstly that b/c he wants no communication whatsoever with me he is choosing to ignore my email or secondly that he has taken annual leave from work and hasn't seen the email. S15 spent some of last weekend with him and when I asked him if H had gone away he said he didn't know. Last year they went to Holy Island for Hs birthday. They couldn't afford it then and they certainly can't now from what I hear but I wouldn't put it past them.

Nothing else to report except I had a reflexology session last night and it felt good to treat myself. I had been in the habit of treating myself once a month and for some reason I stopped. I must get back into that. One of the interesting things that came out of the reflexology was that she said the area of my foot that corresponded to the solar plexus in my brain was very swollen and tender. Before she told me this she asked me how my mood had been lately. I told her very low and then she told me about the swollen bit on my foot. I'm piling on weight on the moment and my self esteem has taken a plummet again as a result so I need to do something about this. I can't let myself slip back into the old rise and fall of moods that I exhibited whilst living with H. It was too horrible to want to revisit.

ACJ, I think that doing the reflexology thing is a move in the right direction.

You can't force your kids to wish their dad a happy birthday. and you cannot force them to buy him a present either.

You did good by offering to pay for a present from the younger ones...they are old enough to say : yes, let's buy that for dad!"...but since they haven't...oh well.

I have no idea if he is ignoring you or away on holiday. If he cannot afford it, don't see how he can go, but weirder things have happened.

I know it is hard not to fall back into old cycles but do whatever you can to not fall into them...I too have gained weight and become depressed and/or moody. I am working hard to get out of that cycle by becoming more physically active...not hard to do as the weather is cooperating!!

Praying that you will feel better in the coming days!

Smooch!
Valentine